Money [Serious Critique]

[mrmod]

Is it all about the money?
The less I think about it
The more I need it.
Humanity's lust,
The root of most my evil.

I made this poem as a judgement of my greed. I wouldn't class myself as greedy per se but I maybe take money too seriously. Anyways, enjoy.

[billy]

Is it all about the money?
The less I think about it
The more I need it.
Humanity's lust,
The root of most my evil.

I made this poem as a judgement of my greed. I wouldn't class myself as greedy per se but I maybe take money too seriously. Anyways, enjoy.

it would have benefited with at least one good image, metaphor, or other poetic device

the last line has been used more times than you've had hot dinners (its old/a cliche)

that said it has lots of potential. small poems only need small edits to become great small poems

i really appreciate this poem because it's shows all the slobs in the sewer what can be done. thanks dan

[mrmod]

It was a quick jot down but maybe I need to move it further away from the cliché.

Is it all about the money?
The less I think about it
The more I need it.
Humanity's lust,
The root of most my evil.
The thirst inside me.

C'mon I need some critique and advice because I do intend to improve .

[billy]

It was a quick jot down but maybe I need to move it further away from the cliché.

Is it all about the money?
The less I think about it
The more I need it.
Humanity's lust,
The root of most my evil.
The thirst inside me.

C'mon I need some critique and advice because I do intend to improve .

the easiest way it to show;

money? (no need for fluff, IE, is it all about)
more is less
greed is best
i need a fix

okay, it;s nothing like yours and it's not that good. but it does show how in a small poem less is better when it comes to the small words.

my 2nd and last line is cliche but i was rushing

the idea unless it's a flowery poem etc, is to keep it as tight as you can.

[mrmod]

the easiest way it to show;

money? (no need for fluff, IE, is it all about)
more is less
greed is best
i need a fix

okay, it;s nothing like yours and it's not that good. but it does show how in a small poem less is better when it comes to the small words.

my 2nd and last line is cliche but i was rushing

the idea unless it's a flowery poem etc, is to keep it as tight as you can.

Money?
Thin wallet, Heavy mind.
I have a thirst
To quench.

Ok, I just revamped the poem so it's less cliché'd but tried to keep the essence of what I was saying. How much worse is this one . And thanks for your input btw..

[billy]

the easiest way it to show;

money? (no need for fluff, IE, is it all about)
more is less
greed is best
i need a fix

okay, it;s nothing like yours and it's not that good. but it does show how in a small poem less is better when it comes to the small words.

my 2nd and last line is cliche but i was rushing

the idea unless it's a flowery poem etc, is to keep it as tight as you can.

Money?
Thin wallet, Heavy mind.
I have a thirst
To quench.

Ok, I just revamped the poem so it's less cliché'd but tried to keep the essence of what I was saying. How much worse is this one . And thanks for your input btw..

way better

thirst to quench is another cliche,

so you could be different and say;

i have a thirst
to scratch.

or something else to give it a little twist.

by the way. this is called work-shopping a poem and
the beauty of it is that everyone can join in or take ideas from it for themselves.

[mrmod]

Money?
Thin wallet, Heavy mind.
I have a thirst
To quench.

Ok, I just revamped the poem so it's less cliché'd but tried to keep the essence of what I was saying. How much worse is this one . And thanks for your input btw..

way better

thirst to quench is another cliche,

so you could be different and say;

i have a thirst
to scratch.

or something else to give it a little twist.

by the way. this is called work-shopping a poem and
the beauty of it is that everyone can join in or take ideas from it for themselves.

Well, i'd be eager to have other members suggest. The more, the merrier .

Meanwhile I'll try and change "thirst to quench". Any opinions are open, so don't be shy, everyone.

[srijantje]

what about

money?
thin wallet,heavy mind..
greedy bastard.

[billy]

what about

money?
thin wallet,heavy mind..
greedy bastard.

it works but not in the way dan wanted it too lol (i don't think.)
but it packs a lot for a three liner.