to someone beautiful and tired

[HairyTwink III]

to someone beautiful and tired

The sharpness of your wit untested
by the bluntness of their adoration
the glimmer in your eye detested
by them in their constant trepidation.
You fear their fear and hate their love
-- misplaced, uncalled for, undesired --
still they assail you as up above
in your fragile roost you grow tired.

(now it slips
it's bound to fall
keep your eyes open
and your wings spread)

I think I know some of your pain
a sliver of your truth and the disdain
you hold for those who would misname you.
You look like you could use a friend
on whom you can (for now) depend
to speak your name until the end.

[matsunosuperfan]

to someone beautiful and tired

The sharpness of your wit untested
by the bluntness of their adoration
the glimmer in your eye detested
by them in their constant trepidation.
You fear their fear and hate their love
-- misplaced, uncalled for, undesired --
still they assail you as up above
in your fragile roost you grow tired.

(now it slips
it's bound to fall
keep your eyes open
and your wings spread)

I think I know some of your pain
a sliver of your truth and the disdain
you hold for those who would misname you.
You look like you could use a friend
on whom you can (for now) depend
to speak your name until the end.

Hi and welcome! My first suggestion is don't rhyme. It's quite restrictive and is making you choose words and use funny syntax just so you can rhyme (the glimmer in your eye detested / by them).

My second suggestion is to give us more concrete imagery to motivate the abstract generalizations. Or to make the abstractions more personal and concrete themselves. The poem is written to "someone" but need not be so general as to apply to ANYONE - I think that lessens the emotional impact. Like Mary Oliver didn't just say "you do not have to be good," she said

You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert

Feel me? Thanks for sharing your poem, glad to have you here <3

[wasellajam]

Hi, first I love the title. Some notes:

to someone beautiful and tired

The sharpness of your wit untested
by the bluntness of their adoration
the glimmer in your eye detested
by them in their constant trepidation.
You fear their fear and hate their love
-- misplaced, uncalled for, undesired --
still they assail you as up above
in your fragile roost you grow tired.
I could use a some tweaks for clarity's sake, something like

The sharpness of your wit's untested
by the bluntness of their adoration, or ;
the glimmer in your eye's detested
in their constant trepidation.

The rhyme works well and is interesting until "up above", just no to the double just for form, and the next line is awkward, would normally be said "you grow tired in your fragile roost." It needs reworking.

(now it slips
it's bound to fall
keep your eyes open
and your wings spread)
Sympathetic advice and the loss of rhyme speaks a different more personally involved voice.

I think I know some of your pain
a sliver of your truth and the disdain
you hold for those who would misname you. Nice slant rhyme.
You look like you could use a friend
on whom you can (for now) depend meh, cliche.
to speak your name until the end. This line fails, doesn't say enough for me. And these three rhymes don't live up to the potential of your opening.

I'm not sure why she's up on that throne, the poem might gain from a little more insight into how she got in that position. Looking forward to seeing where you take this. I hope my notes are helpful, thanks for posting.