Loss (edit)

[brynmawr1]

Loss

Imagine the sorrow
to lose those words
gifted by the idle mind
to bring life again
when the shadow fell
over my shoulder, to feel
how willing I was
mistaking the change in light she might have made
for maybe a cloud’s passing or nothing
more than a lapse in the workings
of my hands as I tend the flowers.

I’ve forgotten most of it
except how I wanted you,
the reader, to feel when the shadow fell
over my shoulder, to know my sudden startle
mistaking the change in light she might have made
for maybe a cloud’s passing or nothing
more than a lapse in the workings
of my hands as I tend the flowers.

[etherealidyll]

Loss

I’ve forgotten most of it | First-person declarative statement or 'admission' is engaging. 
except how I wanted you, 
the reader, to feel when the shadow fell | Addressing the reader further engages 
over my shoulder, to know my sudden startle | Nice use of assonance and 'd' and 't' sounds to mark the suddenness
mistaking the change in light she might have made | Are you mistaking a shadow from the sun for her shadow over your shoulder?
for maybe a cloud’s passing or nothing
more than a lapse in the workings
of my hands as I tend the flowers. | Domestic and natural imagery is wonderfully simple yet vivid.

This is a beautiful poem on the theme of loss in everyday and domestic moments, that often compound the most grief and anguish. The images of the quiet changes in the atmosphere caused by the 'she' seeing a cloud in the sky or noticing you pausing tending the flowers, set against the absence of those changes being caused by her, are particularly striking to me and stand out as original and evocative. 

I was a little unsure if you mistook a change in the natural light for her shadow falling over your shoulder - that may be my miscomprehension, though. 

Thank you for posting such a beautiful poem that I am very happy to have read. 

[matsunosuperfan]

Loss

I’ve forgotten most of it
except how I wanted you,
the reader, to feel when the shadow fell
over my shoulder, to know my sudden startle
mistaking the change in light she might have made
for maybe a cloud’s passing or nothing
more than a lapse in the workings
of my hands as I tend the flowers.

The conceit is very compelling. I don't like the fourth-wall break; to me it distracts and makes me think the poem is going to constitute a project that, thankfully, it turns out not to be. 

"To know my sudden startle" I struggle with this syntax, feels poemy every time 

Everything from "mistaking the change in light" to the end is fantastic, I wouldn't change anything 

just need to get there more effectively IMO 
the final image is really affective and poignant without being too too, very well handled

[busker]

Loss

I’ve forgotten most of it
except how I wanted you,
the reader, to feel when the shadow fell
over my shoulder, to know my sudden startle
mistaking the change in light she might have made
for maybe a cloud’s passing or nothing
more than a lapse in the workings
of my hands as I tend the flowers.

The conceit in bold is likeable, but there’s too much preamble.
The last line is a nice finish

[brynmawr1]

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting. I have waited until I had an edit to respond, which I have posted above. Not sure it really addresses the comments, particularly Busker's but at least, I hope, it is more interesting. I do worry it is over written but thought I would post anyway and see what you all thought about it.

As a side note, the poem is based on another poem I read years ago with a similar theme. Unfortunately, I can't remember the author or title of the inspirational poem.

[milo]

Loss

Imagine the sorrow
to lose those words
gifted by the idle mind
to bring life again
when the shadow fell
over my shoulder, to feel
how willing I was
mistaking the change in light she might have made
for maybe a cloud’s passing or nothing
more than a lapse in the workings
of my hands as I tend the flowers.

I’ve forgotten most of it
except how I wanted you,
the reader, to feel when the shadow fell
over my shoulder, to know my sudden startle
mistaking the change in light she might have made
for maybe a cloud’s passing or nothing
more than a lapse in the workings
of my hands as I tend the flowers.

idle mind and shadow fell are both cliche.  Probably lose the words as well

I think the strength of the poem lies in the mourning the loss of words (Duke wrote one recently that is quite good and sidesteps using the cliche)  and the hands tending flowers