Intersection With Unborn Child

[matsunosuperfan]

Intersection With Unborn Child

What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind

the bright unblinking eye
of this fat crow
nursing a heel of bread

I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand

that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people
come over to watch me

watch the windows
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love

they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you

who I can always find
between my ribs
and the stars.

[busker]

I must say I haven’t read such consistently high quality poetry on this site since Mercedes Webb Pullman used to write. Barring the odd poem from TqB or Todd.
There isn’t much to critique. It’s perfect

---

Intersection With Unborn Child

What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind

the bright unblinking eye …. Touché 
of this fat crow
nursing a heel of bread … nice word choice 

I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand … touche again. Here it would be the green man, but the little hand is perfect foreshadowing 

that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people
come over to watch me

watch the windows
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love

they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you … the reveal 

who I can always find
between my ribs
and the stars. … perfection 

[matsunosuperfan]

I must say I haven’t read such consistently high quality poetry on this site since Mercedes Webb Pullman used to write. Barring the odd poem from TqB or Todd.
There isn’t much to critique. It’s perfect

---

Intersection With Unborn Child

What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind

the bright unblinking eye …. Touché 
of this fat crow
nursing a heel of bread … nice word choice 

I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand … touche again. Here it would be the green man, but the little hand is perfect foreshadowing 

that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people
come over to watch me

watch the windows
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love

they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you … the reveal 

who I can always find
between my ribs
and the stars. … perfection 

Wow I'm honored and flattered, thank you kindly. Doing my best not to totally spam the forum ://
This was written for a very beloved one who called me in sadness yesterday, so I'm glad it's doing something.

[busker]

I must say I haven’t read such consistently high quality poetry on this site since Mercedes Webb Pullman used to write. Barring the odd poem from TqB or Todd.
There isn’t much to critique. It’s perfect

---

Intersection With Unborn Child

What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind

the bright unblinking eye …. Touché 
of this fat crow
nursing a heel of bread … nice word choice 

I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand … touche again. Here it would be the green man, but the little hand is perfect foreshadowing 

that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people
come over to watch me

watch the windows
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love

they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you … the reveal 

who I can always find
between my ribs
and the stars. … perfection 

Wow I'm honored and flattered, thank you kindly. Doing my best not to totally spam the forum ://
This was written for a very beloved one who called me in sadness yesterday, so I'm glad it's doing something.

If you’ve whipped out this poem in a day and found such perfect pacing and word choice, then that’s doubly impressive

---

This is Claude, which I prompted to “find flaws”
I think it’s nonsense



The ending states its own theme. “Not to waste my life / looking for signs” tells us directly what the poem has been dramatizing indirectly through the crow and the crosswalk. Then the last three lines re-affirm the opposite (I will keep finding you in signs) — which is a nice reversal, but because the poem names the tension explicitly right before enacting it, the ending feels slightly over-explained. You might trust the images to carry that argument without the “warn me not to waste my life” line spelling it out.

Stanza 4’s syntax is doing a lot of gymnastics. “Good people / come over to watch me // watch the windows” — the double “watch” is clever but the sentence has to work hard to get there, and on first read it’s genuinely ambiguous whether the good people are watching her or watching the windows with her. Might be worth a beat of clarity here, even if you want to keep some disorientation elsewhere.

Title is a bit flat compared to the poem’s texture. “Intersection With Unborn Child” front-loads the crosswalk metaphor and telegraphs the ending before the poem gets to earn it.

None of these are fatal — the poem’s strongest quality (that collapse of the domestic and cosmic, the refusal to be reassured) survives all of them. But if you’re revising, the crow and the ending are where I’d spend the most time.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello - a couple in-line suggestions:

Intersection With Unborn Child

What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind

the bright unblinking eye
of this fat crow perhaps 'that lone crow' ?
nursing a heel of bread perhaps 'pecking' - babies may nurse, but crows peck. Period after 'bread'

I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand I'm not quite getting the 'red' of the hand. This S. seems to lead awkwardly into the next S. Not sure how to solve it without messing with the tercet form

that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people I see how the ? ends the question, but it feels out of place (solved by that period after 'bread')
come over to watch me

watch the windows interesting repetition of 'watch"
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love

they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you his lead-in to the next line diffuses some of the power of the final S.

who I can always find maybe 'yet' instead of 'who'?
between my ribs
and the stars. way cool last S.

I get from the title that you almost miss the DON'T WALK sign at an intersection, yet the change of setting from there to looking out the window needs to be clearer. That, or leave the intersection out, and re-work the middle section. Just suggestions, for an otherwise strong poem...
... Mark

[matsunosuperfan]

Hello - a couple in-line suggestions:

Intersection With Unborn Child

What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind

the bright unblinking eye
of this fat crow  perhaps 'that lone crow'  ?
nursing a heel of bread perhaps 'pecking' - babies may nurse, but crows peck.  Period after 'bread'

I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand  I'm not quite getting the 'red' of the hand. This S. seems to lead awkwardly into the next S. Not sure how to solve it without messing with the tercet form

that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people  I see how the ? ends the question, but it feels out of place (solved by that period after 'bread')
come over to watch me

watch the windows  interesting repetition of 'watch"
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love

they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you his lead-in to the next line diffuses some of the power of the final S.

who I can always find maybe 'yet' instead of 'who'?
between my ribs
and the stars.  way cool last S.

I get from the title that you almost miss the DON'T WALK sign at an intersection, yet the change of setting from there to looking out the window needs to be clearer.  That, or leave the intersection out, and re-work the middle section. Just suggestions, for an otherwise strong poem...
... Mark

Thank you for the thoughtful and detailed notes Mark, I appreciate the reading <3

[milo]

Hello

This poem has become more interesting to me recently . .  as a coincidence.  First the title - intersection with an unborn child - upon future readings, this becomes very important but either way, it is interesting enough to draw a reader in and offers the double meaning.  In this case, we get a physical intersection as well as a "paths crossing".  Unborn usually refers to a child that has not been born  - 'yet' - but will be born eventually.  I am not sure as the poem refuses to resolve later but I believe that not to be the case - either the child is dead or close to it before we meet it.

Intersection With Unborn Child

What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind

the bright unblinking eye
of this fat crow
nursing a heel of bread

So . . . I am not personally a fan of the overly short line breaks - I think i see what your intent is - creating double meanings and ambiguities but the problem I have when there are too many short line breaks is either the reading itself becomes hurky-jerky or I gloss right through them and the effect is lost entirely.  The 'What is time . . " as a rhetorical device is fine though it is not really developed properly through the poem and little soul seems to establish the "unborn" part.  the unblinking eye of this fat crow nursing a heel of bread is our first image and it is th emost effective part of the poem.  Crows are common poetic devices for both corssings and death - it is fat, it has been feeding a lot - on what?  So, a heel of bread is what is left over after the bread, the remains of what could be.  Nursing - obvious reference to babies again.  This is all pretty good.

I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand

that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people
come over to watch me

The red hand of a crossing usually signifies it is not safe to cross but in this case it signifies it is which took me out  a little but not too much.  The corresponding little red hand of a preemie or unborn child is earned not forced, no issues here.  missing as a line break would normally signify a person missing someone as well as missing the traffic signal but because of the short lines it really never gets to add weight.

watch the windows
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love

they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you

who I can always find
between my ribs
and the stars.

This second half is not as strong as the first.  We are reverting to well trod poetic imagery - stars, looking for signs, waste my life, etc.  I had thought on the initial read the N might be a female as they are looking for a missing life between their ribs but - shrug - nothing ever really resolves which is fine.  I prefer the concrete imagery of the first half myself but, overall it is a strong poem

Thanks

[matsunosuperfan]

Hello

This poem has become more interesting to me recently . .  as a coincidence.  First the title - intersection with an unborn child - upon future readings, this becomes very important but either way, it is interesting enough to draw a reader in and offers the double meaning.  In this case, we get a physical intersection as well as a "paths crossing".  Unborn usually refers to a child that has not been born  - 'yet' - but will be born eventually.  I am not sure as the poem refuses to resolve later but I believe that not to be the case - either the child is dead or close to it before we meet it.

Intersection With Unborn Child

What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind

the bright unblinking eye
of this fat crow
nursing a heel of bread

So . . . I am not personally a fan of the overly short line breaks - I think i see what your intent is - creating double meanings and ambiguities but the problem I have when there are too many short line breaks is either the reading itself becomes hurky-jerky or I gloss right through them and the effect is lost entirely.  The 'What is time . . " as a rhetorical device is fine though it is not really developed properly through the poem and little soul seems to establish the "unborn" part.  the unblinking eye of this fat crow nursing a heel of bread is our first image and it is th emost effective part of the poem.  Crows are common poetic devices for both corssings and death - it is fat, it has been feeding a lot - on what?  So, a heel of bread is what is left over after the bread, the remains of what could be.  Nursing - obvious reference to babies again.  This is all pretty good.

I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand

that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people
come over to watch me

The red hand of a crossing usually signifies it is not safe to cross but in this case it signifies it is which took me out  a little but not too much.  The corresponding little red hand of a preemie or unborn child is earned not forced, no issues here.  missing as a line break would normally signify a person missing someone as well as missing the traffic signal but because of the short lines it really never gets to add weight.

watch the windows
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love

they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you

who I can always find
between my ribs
and the stars.

This second half is not as strong as the first.  We are reverting to well trod poetic imagery - stars, looking for signs, waste my life, etc.  I had thought on the initial read the N might be a female as they are looking for a missing life between their ribs but - shrug - nothing ever really resolves which is fine.  I prefer the concrete imagery of the first half myself but, overall it is a strong poem

Thanks

I share your feelings on the short line; this is a pretty big departure from typical form for me. great notes; thanks for reading <3

[busker]

IMO the short lines work because there’s a reveal in each new line
The second half is not as strong as the first, true, because the crow-bread-walk sign is a hard act to follow
The “ribs and stars” is slightly cliche, but it works. Changing anything would be a whole new poem