Dangling Past Participle (edit)

[wasellajam]

Dangling Past Participle (edit, True)

The past sneaks
in sporting a pom-pommed beanie
and an IDGAF teeshirt,

humming an earworm
that bounces
with a light step and a grin.

It can’t quite meet
my eye and pretend.

(all crit, or anything else, welcomed)

Dangling Past Participle

The past sneaks
in disguised
in a pom-pommed beanie
and an IDGAF teeshirt.

Its hum is masked
in an undercurrent,
a happy earworm that bounces
with a light step and a grin.

It can’t quite meet
your eye and act
as if scar tissue
removal is minor
surgery.

[dukealien]

Last Saturday morning, I was sitting in my favorite breakfast restaurant.  Beginning to read the news.

The place was just starting to fill up.  One of the staff rushed in, coat on crooked, with a black eye.

The waitresses huddled around her for a few minutes, then she vanished into the kitchen.

The potatoes in the hash were underdone and lumpy.   Better than burnt, I guess.

[wasellajam]

Last Saturday morning, I was sitting in my favorite breakfast restaurant.  Beginning to read the news.

The place was just starting to fill up.  One of the staff rushed in, coat on crooked, with a black eye.

The waitresses huddled around her for a few minutes, then she vanished into the kitchen.

The potatoes in the hash were underdone and lumpy.   Better than burnt, I guess.

pain is pain 
thanks for this

[Bunx]

I like how simple and straight forward this poem is I've written a poem way back when about running into an ex at the record store. I feel like in my poems case I said too much, and in this poems case the mystery and matter of fact tone paints a picture left up to the reader. Whatever meaning they prescribe to poem can take shape through their own experiences. Its a good read!

[wasellajam]

I like how simple and straight forward this poem is I've written a poem way back when about running into an ex at the record store. I feel like in my poems case I said too much, and in this poems case the mystery and matter of fact tone paints a picture left up to the reader. Whatever meaning they prescribe to poem can take shape through their own experiences. Its a good read!

Thanx Bunx. I've been so wordy lately it was fun to write this. I put it here knowing it was one and done, no analysis, no edits, I'm glad you like it as is. Now on second thought maybe I should have put it in Basic for target practice.

[Truerenigma]

Dangling Past Participle

The past sneaks
in disguised
I'm not sure you need L2 here. I think something like "The past sneaks in/ in a poem.." is more succinct and solid.
in a pom-pommed beanie
and an IDGAF teeshirt.

Its hum is masked
in an undercurrent,
The mask and the undercurrent are probably just hurting your metaphor here. Perhaps just stick to the one metaphor here: the hum is a happy earworm. Earworms don't wear masks or have an undercurrent.
a happy earworm that bounces
with a light step and a grin.

It can’t quite meet
your eye and act
as if scar tissue
removal is minor
surgery.
Maybe cut S3 altogether.

I like the poem! S1 and S2 are light and whimsical, each with a simple metaphor. In S3 the tone changes and becomes a little more dramatic, it doesn't feel like it connects with the rest of the poem.

[wasellajam]

Dangling Past Participle

The past sneaks
in disguised
I'm not sure you need L2 here. I think something like "The past sneaks in/ in a poem.." is more succinct and solid.
in a pom-pommed beanie
and an IDGAF teeshirt.

Its hum is masked
in an undercurrent,
The mask and the undercurrent are probably just hurting your metaphor here. Perhaps just stick to the one metaphor here: the hum is a happy earworm. Earworms don't wear masks or have an undercurrent.
a happy earworm that bounces
with a light step and a grin.

It can’t quite meet
your eye and act
as if scar tissue
removal is minor
surgery.
Maybe cut S3 altogether.

I like the poem! S1 and S2 are light and whimsical, each with a simple metaphor. In S3 the tone changes and becomes a little more dramatic, it doesn't feel like it connects with the rest of the poem.

Thanks, True.

Maybe your earworms don't wear masks but mine are sneaky fuckers, often with hidden identities. But I get what you're saying about jumbled metaphors. Is it my fault the past is such an asshole and a sloppy poet to boot? (um, yes, I guess it is)

And sometimes, not often, I'd like to slap the past silly, but I hear you, gonna take the poem and reshuffle with your comments in mind, see what happens.

Really appreciate the read, thought and crit !!!!

[Truerenigma]

Dangling Past Participle

The past sneaks
in disguised
I'm not sure you need L2 here. I think something like "The past sneaks in/ in a poem.." is more succinct and solid.
in a pom-pommed beanie
and an IDGAF teeshirt.

Its hum is masked
in an undercurrent,
The mask and the undercurrent are probably just hurting your metaphor here. Perhaps just stick to the one metaphor here: the hum is a happy earworm. Earworms don't wear masks or have an undercurrent.
a happy earworm that bounces
with a light step and a grin.

It can’t quite meet
your eye and act
as if scar tissue
removal is minor
surgery.
Maybe cut S3 altogether.

I like the poem! S1 and S2 are light and whimsical, each with a simple metaphor. In S3 the tone changes and becomes a little more dramatic, it doesn't feel like it connects with the rest of the poem.

Thanks, True.

Maybe your earworms don't wear masks but mine are sneaky fuckers, ofter with hidden identities.  But I get what you're saying about jumbled metaphors. Is it my fault the past is such an asshole and a sloppy poet to boot? (um, yes, I guess it is)

And sometimes, not often, I'd like to slap the past silly, but I hear you, gonna take the poem and reshuffle with your comments in mind, see what happens.

Really appreciate the read, thought and crit !!!!

Oh it's just my opinion. I have often been wrong, especially about earworms. lol ; )

[wasellajam]

I like the poem! S1 and S2 are light and whimsical, each with a simple metaphor. In S3 the tone changes and becomes a little more dramatic, it doesn't feel like it connects with the rest of the poem.

Thanks, True.

Maybe your earworms don't wear masks but mine are sneaky fuckers, ofter with hidden identities.  But I get what you're saying about jumbled metaphors. Is it my fault the past is such an asshole and a sloppy poet to boot? (um, yes, I guess it is)

And sometimes, not often, I'd like to slap the past silly, but I hear you, gonna take the poem and reshuffle with your comments in mind, see what happens.

Really appreciate the read, thought and crit !!!!

Oh it's just my opinion. I have often been wrong, especially about earworms. lol ; )

Never hurts to try an edit, the play’s the thing, thanks for something to think about.

[Truerenigma]

Thanks, True.

Maybe your earworms don't wear masks but mine are sneaky fuckers, ofter with hidden identities.  But I get what you're saying about jumbled metaphors. Is it my fault the past is such an asshole and a sloppy poet to boot? (um, yes, I guess it is)

And sometimes, not often, I'd like to slap the past silly, but I hear you, gonna take the poem and reshuffle with your comments in mind, see what happens.

Really appreciate the read, thought and crit !!!!

Oh it's just my opinion. I have often been wrong, especially about earworms. lol ; )

Never hurts to try an edit, the play’s the thing, thanks for something to think about.

Speaking of the play. I will say I don't hate the idea of a masked earworm. Since we're dressing up the past, and its earworm of a hum also has an acting role, there's no reason it (the earworm) shouldn't swing by the dressing room on the way to the stage and throw on a mask.

The undercurrent is really the main thing throwing off the metaphor there.

[wasellajam]

The past still has that same scraggly haircut, just got a trim. I'm unsure about the pronoun change, all crit welcomed.