My English class is having a poetry competition and id like an opinion

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Please let me know if there is anything i should improve :} 

Gunslinger’s Slumber
Smoky air with burnt tastes of death
fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
As easily seen in a fortune-teller’s tale,
it puts an old gunslinger’s mind uneasy.
Startling chambers, sheets and drapes unfold
where there are knots and static lightning.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.
There’s smoky air with burnt tastes of death
that fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
Now the gunslinger’s sly and superstitious.
He knows, as a prideful sinner,
to rely on a rosary and lie on the word.
The reverend’s clutch was grime as lye.
Quick and swift, let out six—
two holes above the gunslinger’s brim.
Stiff as a board they stand;
one awaits the other’s slumber.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.
Five to make a star, with one in the middle—
evenly a better shot.
One badge, one heart.
The gunslinger’s cocked hat bleeds.
A rodent with holes, a maiden shook,
and the pope left with gnashing teeth.
He laid back into his knotted sheet
and gnawed his wheat.
As his home filled with smoky air,
burnt tastes of death filled the room
with the bitter scent of gunpowder.

---

i don't know how to delete sorry i posted twice.

[wasellajam]

Please let me know if there is anything i should improve :} 

Gunslinger’s Slumber
Smoky air with burnt tastes of death
fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
As easily seen in a fortune-teller’s tale,
it puts an old gunslinger’s mind uneasy.
Startling chambers, sheets and drapes unfold
where there are knots and static lightning.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.
There’s smoky air with burnt tastes of death
that fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
Now the gunslinger’s sly and superstitious.
He knows, as a prideful sinner,
to rely on a rosary and lie on the word.
The reverend’s clutch was grime as lye.
Quick and swift, let out six—
two holes above the gunslinger’s brim.
Stiff as a board they stand;
one awaits the other’s slumber.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.
Five to make a star, with one in the middle—
evenly a better shot.
One badge, one heart.
The gunslinger’s cocked hat bleeds.
A rodent with holes, a maiden shook,
and the pope left with gnashing teeth.
He laid back into his knotted sheet
and gnawed his wheat.
As his home filled with smoky air,
burnt tastes of death filled the room
with the bitter scent of gunpowder.

---

A few questions:

Are you workshopping this in class before the competition?

The gunslinger is an odd, seemingly old-fashioned topic, were you given a choice?

Here's what it looks like left justified. Do you have a preference? Do you find one easier to read than the other? What do you think center justified adds?

Gunslinger’s Slumber

Smoky air with burnt tastes of death
fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
As easily seen in a fortune-teller’s tale,
it puts an old gunslinger’s mind uneasy.
Startling chambers, sheets and drapes unfold
where there are knots and static lightning.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.
There’s smoky air with burnt tastes of death
that fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
Now the gunslinger’s sly and superstitious.
He knows, as a prideful sinner,
to rely on a rosary and lie on the word.
The reverend’s clutch was grime as lye.
Quick and swift, let out six—
two holes above the gunslinger’s brim.
Stiff as a board they stand;
one awaits the other’s slumber.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.
Five to make a star, with one in the middle—
evenly a better shot.
One badge, one heart.
The gunslinger’s cocked hat bleeds.
A rodent with holes, a maiden shook,
and the pope left with gnashing teeth.
He laid back into his knotted sheet
and gnawed his wheat.
As his home filled with smoky air,
burnt tastes of death filled the room
with the bitter scent of gunpowder.

[ilovewomenandbeer]

I apologize for my lack of experience with poetry. I mistakenly assumed that the poems were supposed to be centered, which I hadn’t considered as an element that enhanced their appearance. I was guided to this platform by a friend, as we both participate in an English class for an assignment. We were given a week to complete it, and I wrote mine yesterday. Our topic was open-ended, so I watched a western movie and thought it would create a fitting atmosphere. Is this not a common style of poetry in contemporary times? Please let me know your thoughts. I also have other poems, some of which are better than others, but I appreciate your feedback.

[wasellajam]

I apologize for my lack of experience with poetry. I mistakenly assumed that the poems were supposed to be centered, which I hadn’t considered as an element that enhanced their appearance. I was guided to this platform by a friend, as we both participate in an English class for an assignment. We were given a week to complete it, and I wrote mine yesterday. Our topic was open-ended, so I watched a western movie and thought it would create a fitting atmosphere. Is this not a common style of poetry in contemporary times? Please let me know your thoughts. I also have other poems, some of which are better than others, but I appreciate your feedback.

There needs to be a reason for everything when you're writing poetry, you don't have a whole book to get your point across. Give me some time and I'll try to critique it for you.

---

Hi, and welcome. 

I've chosen to left justify it because for me it's easier to read and add notes this way but it's up to you what your final poem will look like. Although we don't usually do in-line critiques in basic, I know you'd like to improve it if you can. My notes are not things you must change, just things to think about.

First, I think that throughout your breaks are strong, good job with that. 
The sporadic rhyme sequences are usually looked at as something that will throw readers off, they don't particularly bother me when they work well, I think yours degrade as the poem progresses. It's possible that if I spend more time with the poem I will understand your intent with them.
Although you're not using a regular meter it reads pretty smoothly when I'm not stopped trying to figure out the meaning.

Please let me know if there is anything i should improve :} 

Gunslinger’s Slumber

Smoky air with burnt tastes of death

fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder. 

As easily seen in a fortune-teller’s tale,

it puts an old gunslinger’s mind uneasy.

Startling chambers, sheets and drapes unfold

where there are knots and static lightning.

Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,

to draw at the sound of thunder.

I have issues with your refrain. Is that what death tastes like? Smoky/burnt/bitter is overkill for me. L2 is wordy. 
I don't know why you think a fortune-teller's story is easily seen. 
L4 reads awkwardly, although "at ease" and "uneasy" may be opposites, the swap in this phrase didn't work for me.
After that I'm confused, I can't reconcile the images. You may want to try writing it out without the frills, then see if you can build the images more clearly.

There’s smoky air with burnt tastes of death

that fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.

Now the gunslinger’s sly and superstitious.

He knows, as a prideful sinner,   

to rely on a rosary and lie on the word.

The reverend’s clutch was grime as lye.

Quick and swift, let out six—

two holes above the gunslinger’s brim. I like these two lines, strong sonics and image.

Stiff as a board they stand;

one awaits the other’s slumber.

Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered, This would be a nice internal rhyme if you hadn't used slumber above.

to draw at the sound of thunder.

Five to make a star, with one in the middle— What a shot! Strong image.

evenly a better shot.

One badge, one heart.

The gunslinger’s cocked hat bleeds.

A rodent with holes, a maiden shook,

and the pope left with gnashing teeth.

He laid back into his knotted sheet

and gnawed his wheat.

As his home filled with smoky air,

burnt tastes of death filled the room

with the bitter scent of gunpowder.

---

I hope some of this helps. I've probably overstepped in the Basic forum, let me know if going further would be of any help. Think about it and work on it, less "poetics", more clarity. I'm sure you can take it further.

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Hello! Thank you very much for your feedback. It actually helped me with some of my other poems, and I’m not one to take it to heart. I completely agree with you now reading your points.

The next day, I realized that I used too much description. Words like “bitter,” “death,” “smoky,” and “burnt” were overkill. My goal was to make the sheriff seem like an outlaw at first by making the poem sound aggressive. So, when he is revealed to be a sheriff, it will have more shock value. I can probably rewrite that section to better convey that message without necessarily describing him as a bad guy.

I also appreciate your insight on saying that it’s easy for a fortune teller to tell the future. However, I think I can do a better message by comparing the sheriff’s sleeping intuition to a fortune teller’s vision. 

Additionally, i’ll work on trying to do better at expanding and condensing my imagery. Sometimes, I have too many ideas to put into a line, and I fixed it in poems I wrote today. I think I’ll get better in time, and I think now, looking at others’ poems, can help me become a better poet.

[milo]

Hello and welcome to the Pen.  You have actually stumbled upon the BEST place to receive feedback on your poetry be it English homework or English schoolwork!  First, i would like to agree with ella in that I detest center aligned poetry - it is affectatious and makes it difficult to read and enjoy for those that like to read and enjoy poetry as opposed to those that like to purchase Hallmark Anniversary cards for best friends' roomate's girlfirends' fathers in law.

Please let me know if there is anything i should improve :} 

Gunslinger’s Slumber
Smoky air with burnt tastes of death
fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
As easily seen in a fortune-teller’s tale,
it puts an old gunslinger’s mind uneasy.
Startling chambers, sheets and drapes unfold
where there are knots and static lightning.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.

[ilovewomenandbeer]

In advance, I apologize for not having this message formatted better. I post and write from my phone, so I appreciate your constructive criticism, especially on parts where I know I can improve. Your example of one of my lines being cliché was completely eye-opening. I know it’s my first poem, but there are parts where I can definitely use better words to describe my ideas instead of trying to fit ideas into specific lines. I also agree with you and think I should use less nouns and more adjectives, in addition to stronger nouns.

I don’t think I intentionally write this way, but maybe it’s my train of thought that helps me allude well. For example, “The reverend’s clutch was as grime as lye.” I’m not very good at rhyming, but I think grime is a word I could use instead of dirty. The reverend described as dirty is kind of ironic, so the word lye, although a cleaning product, is similar to the word lie, which can be seen as dirty. I guess grime as lye also implies that the reverend’s clutch was clean or pure, if that makes sense. Reading it again, I also thought that since lye is corrosive, it can be seen as harsh purification. But overall a play on words as if his shooting ability is “clean/good” but lie as in bad.