Shadows Self

[Bunx]

Shadow's Self

My shadow on the day of the eclipse
wishes I remember lost dreams.
Weeks go by when my ability
recalling this twin of mine

drains by the pill that seeds
the stabler side of me.
I can be in flight within 
dreams occasionally.

Wondering if a moth 
walks in their sleep.
Does my shadow
remember the man dreaming?

Life can't be framed
within unpredictability.
Saturn returns, I am
an artist of madness.

Hindsight in regret
delusions behind the bend.
Libra sun within 
the Pieces moon.

No more lingering
impersonal monsoons.
No mediation
at life's expense.

Shadow self always seen
I still love you, nurturing.
Silently eclipsing a silhouette
shining bright in society.

[Bunx]

Another edit as reply. Bare with me

[Valerie Please]

I've been hesitating about jumping into this one. I know it's for fun, but I have some questions about it, if that's ok. Specifically, I want to know more about the structural choices you made. 

My impression of the themes of the poem: it's about the connection between dreams and waking, rational and irrational, controlled consciousness and wild unconsciousness. 

Shadow's Self

My shadow on the day of the eclipse. 
Wishes I remember lost dreams.

(I like the evocative feeling of a shadow on the day of an eclipse, it's dreamy and vague . . . any reason you separated the two lines with a period? They go together as a cohesive thought.)

Weeks go by when my ability
recalling this twin of mine
drains by the pill that seeds
the stabler side of me.

I can be in flight within 
dreams occasionally.
Wondering if a moth 
walks in their sleep. (I like this line and the effect of the stanza as a whole.)

Does my shadow
remember the man dreaming?

Life can't be framed
within unpredictability. (Ok first question . . . any reason that you decided to deviate from the four-line stanza structure here? Especially since the two couplets would make another four-line stanza.)

Saturn returns, I am.
an artist of madness.
Hindsight in regret
delusions behind the bend. (I like the idea of hindsight regrets dropping further behind a bend.)

Calm Virgo sun
during the Pieces moon.
No more lingering
impersonal monsoons.

No mediation
at life's expense.

Shadow self always seen
I still love you, nurturing. (Nice ending line . . . but again, is there a reason that you broke into two couplets? If the answer is that "there is just a certain amount of chaos inherent to the theme of this poem and it is demonstrated in the deviations in structure," then I get it. But I'm just wondering about your process, I guess.)

Thanks for entertaining the discussion.

xo,
Val

[Bunx]

Hey Val!
Thanks aton for the helpful feedback, been meaning to turn the whole poem in couplets so I took the initiative. The original idea was grouping the ideas into individual stanzas to help the flow of the reader. Though on revision I think it's much better as couplets.

I went ahead and my the first couplet one sentence I think it reads a lot better.
I feel write pretty scattered at time. I like idea of my writing reflecting chaos of theme though it's so often not needed. I'm stoked you liked the poem I can definitely say the same of everything I've read of yours.

Your ideas about the poem are spot on I love that it comes across as that.

[Valerie Please]

Ahhh! Well I look forward to seeing it restructured.

Xo,

Val

Hey Val!
Thanks aton for the helpful feedback, been meaning to turn the whole poem in couplets so I took the initiative. The original idea was grouping the ideas into individual stanzas to help the flow of the reader. Though on revision I think it's much better as couplets.

I went ahead and my the first couplet one sentence I think it reads a lot better.
I feel write pretty scattered at time. I like idea of my writing reflecting chaos of theme though it's so often not needed. I'm stoked you liked the poem I can definitely say the same of everything I've read of yours.

Your ideas about the poem are spot on I love that it comes across as that.

[Bunx]

Hey Val,
Bare with me I decided four line stanzas were the way to go.
Please let me know what you think I added more of an outro
at the end