…Go on Faith

[Namyh]

…Go on Faith

Scorched sand sizzled hot with a blister.
Rising heat sucked the air out the day
and the motionless Sun like an unblinking eye
poked bones and my brains in its way.
I buckled to my knees from exhaustion
and my face hit the sand full flat.
Without water, each breath was a dry pain hurting
and my blood thickened more from its lack.

A pump handle shimmered in the day’s heat
and I focused crawling to it ‘cross the land.
Hanging there was a sign “Go North five feet.
Dig for water in a box in the sand.”
Scratched eyes searched frantic for its pinpoint.
Charred fingers clawed the sand going deep.
As I dug with a frenzy, then I felt something hard.
Had I liquid for some tears, I would weep.

In the box, I found a bottle full of water.
“Don’t Drink” said the jug’s top sign.
“Pour half, prime the pump, then wait five.
Pour the other half in. Pump nine.”
I blistered in my madness for the water.
Five minutes more of thirst was too great.
I twisted off the lid and I tilted up the jug
but those words “Don’t Drink” made me wait.

After nine pumps, I fell against the handle.
Liquid sputtered when it spurted from the spout.
I was drenched and wallowed, bathed and swallowed
in water sweet by words I rued to doubt.
And on the bottom of the bottle was a clear sign,
“Fill this bottle for the box, please do,
for the next soul searching for a life raft
who may have to go on Faith like you!”

Namyh

[Namyh]

Thanks all for stopping in to enjoy. Namyh

[Knot]

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Hi Namyh.
Not a promising start, but I enjoyed the tale once it got going.
It really needs some work doing though, but should polish up very nicely.
(It's things like dry pain hurting, buckled to my knees, rued to doubt, unnecessary commas, etc.)

But then there's the bottle/jug mystery. Are they one and the same? If separate then that needs making clear - you could do that by changing one line:
In the box I found a jug and a bottle full of water.

(though why would you need both?)

Which leads to the riddle of the signs:  if 'don't drink' is the 'top sign' (on either the bottle or the jug) what stops the wander simply reading the 'bottom sign' then and there? Especially as it is, as you describe, a 'clear sign.'
They can follow the relatively complex instructions (complex given how desperately thirsty they are) but not read what else is written on the jug/bottle?

I think it's fixable, just get your thinking cap on

One small suggestion. You might change 'bathed' to 'cooled (given all the earlier heat references) as I'm not sure there's much difference between 'bathed' and 'wallowed' in this context.


Best, Knot

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