New Here, First Attempt at Poetry in a Decade

[CrescentEssence]

Carnivore

I smell love
I desire to bathe in that scent
I wander
No chase
I cannot feign anymore innocence
I want to dance naked in that odor
That poison
Of love and its shambles
Its melodrama
And my God its atrocities
I crave its ugly fat profanities
And the freedom
But I am a sister
And a daughter
And I cannot
Sit at the family dinner table
With un sisterly un daughterly
Cravings in my head
When a healthy family meal
Is right before me
So only on bad nights
When I secretly disappoint my blood and my ancestors and my sister my brother my mother and my father
Do I order takeout
And pray no one sees the branded plastic bag
In the trash can

[Magpie]

I would critique this but a God will come along with red ink and tell you that you're naughty for not offering a critique of another's poem. So I'll wait.

[rowens]

The way you play with line lengths makes the poem work as well as it can


The last three lines beg in a way this poem doesn't need to do

[CrescentEssence]

The way you play with line lengths makes the poem work as well as it can


The last three lines beg in a way this poem doesn't need to do

When you say "as well as it can" does that also mean you do not see much potential in the poem as a whole? Genuinely asking. I am newer to poetry so if this poem really is awkward or empty then I would like to know.

[Knot]

Hi CE,
it feels like you kept to the surface of this one (and I agree with Rowens about the ending) though I did enjoy the idea of 'ugly fat profanities'.


I smell love
I desire to bathe in that scent ............ It's an okay start, but seems a bit timid after the title.

I wander
No chase .......... I wonder if 'wander' is the right word? Like the speaker correcting themself with 'chase'.

I cannot feign any more innocence
I want to dance naked in that odor ........... 'dance' feels a little tame and 'odor' isn't adding anything that scent or smell haven't established. Perhaps put some flesh on this particular bone?

That poison of love and its
shambles, its melodrama ............. struggling to connect 'poison' so smell/scent/bathe/dance. But the rest works, for me.

And my God its atrocities
I crave its ugly fat profanities ....... favourite two lines. (You might want to explore what some of those atrocities are to this particular speaker.)

And the freedom .............. 'the freedom'? Why not its?

But I am a sister And a daughter
And I cannot Sit at the family dinner table ....... I think you might be able to cut 'family' as sister and daughter (combined) strongly suggest it.

With un sisterly un daughterly
Cravings in my head ............................ begs the question /how/why are they un- ... ?

When a healthy family meal
Is right before me ................................. feels like a metaphor, but one that isn't clear enough (for me.)

So only on bad nights ................. what does 'bad' mean in this context?
When I secretly disappoint my blood and my ancestors and my sister my brother my mother and my father .................... another reason to cut the earlier 'family'

Do I order takeout .............. another almost metaphor?
And pray no one sees the branded plastic bag
In the trash can .......... I can see why you might think the poem ends here, but try to keep going. Dig in (as it were )



Best, Knot


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