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12-08-2023, 12:41 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-16-2023, 05:09 AM by Tiger the Lion.)
My Uncle Kev (experimental edit) ***potential 2nd half
I loved watching him
his thin, white, muscular legs
racing down the pitch
a rain-sopped #5 leather football
no one would dare play with today
(I'm concussed just thinking about it)
a curled cross
and a diving header
into the summer slop
and into the back of the net
everyone shouting, "Get in!, Get in!"
everyone cheering
everyone
loved watching him
in the pub
after the game
his Everton-blue eyes
and dimpled chin
stepping up to the mic
like butter wouldn't melt
belting Sinatra's "My Way" his way
belting Sinatra
into the back of the net
everyone shouting, "Get in!, Get in!"
everyone cheering
everyone
Uncle Kev (edit 1, Bryn and TB)
we loved watching him
his thin, white, muscular legs
racing down the pitch
a rain-sopped #5 leather football
no one would dare play with today
(I'm concussed just thinking about it)
a curled cross
and a diving header
into the slippery summer slop
and into the back of the net
everyone shouting, "Get in!, Get in! "
everyone shouting
everyone
Uncle Kev
my first memory;
his thin white muscular legs,
running
a rain-sopped #5 leather football
no one would dare play with today
(I'm concussed just thinking about it)
a curled corner
and a diving header
into the summer slop
and into the back of the net
everyone shouting, "Get in!"
everyone shouting
everyone
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(12-08-2023, 12:41 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Uncle Kev
my first memory; meh, maybe a little dramatic even if true
his thin white muscular legs, don't need the comma and I would suggest another than 'running'. Maybe dribbling or other footballer vernacular
running
a rain-sopped #5 leather football
no one would dare play with today
(I'm concussed just thinking about it) an important clue, well done
a curled corner
and a diving header
into the summer slop
and into the back of the net it's already set up, don't take away the ambiguity, unless you change L1 of last stanza to indicate the shot went in but Kev is not well
everyone shouting, "Get in!" the way written it's already moot, unless they shout something else.
everyone shouting
everyone the funneling of focus is brilliant, so subtle. Hey Tiger,
My suggestions/observations above. Hope it helps.
Take care,
bryn
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(12-08-2023, 12:41 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Uncle Kev
my first memory;
his thin white muscular legs,
running
a rain-sopped #5 leather football
no one would dare play with today
(I'm concussed just thinking about it)
a curled corner
and a diving header
into the summer slop
and into the back of the net
everyone shouting, "Get in!"
everyone shouting
everyone
Bryn has already said most of the important things. I'd just add my agreement that first line could be cut, use dribbling instead of running, and the fade out at the end is wonderful and exactly how a dream memory fades away. I don't have a problem with nrxt to last stanza, lines don't seem extra to me.
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(12-08-2023, 12:41 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Thanks Bryn and TB for the observations. For the sake of transparency, my Uncle Kevin died on Tuesday. I hadn't seen him for ten years or so and knew he was unwell, so it wasn't really a shock. My motivation was a little catharsis and maybe something I could share with my cousins - if it went well.
Uncle Kev
my first memory; agreed this is an amateurish opening - I'm on it
his thin white muscular legs,
running yes. a bit of a placeholder till I find the phrasing I want
a rain-sopped #5 leather football
no one would dare play with today
(I'm concussed just thinking about it)
a curled corner
and a diving header
into the summer slop
and into the back of the net it's possible these lines are for a narrow audience
everyone shouting, "Get in!" "Get in!" is somewhat colloquial, shouted after the goal goes in - a kind of reinforcement
everyone shouting
everyone the last lines were meant to show a wider heroism, glad you like it - not sure if I nailed it though
Some of the word choices are tricky because it needs to be Northern English. It needs to be Evertonian or it won't work.  I feel like I'm half done. Thanks for the direction guys.
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Uncle Kev
my first memory; agreed this is an amateurish opening - I'm on it
his thin white muscular legs,
running yes. a bit of a placeholder till I find the phrasing I want
a rain-sopped #5 leather football
no one would dare play with today
(I'm concussed just thinking about it)
a curled corner
and a diving header
into the summer slop
and into the back of the net it's possible these lines are for a narrow audience
everyone shouting, "Get in!" "Get in!" is somewhat colloquial, shouted after the goal goes in - a kind of reinforcement Cheeky Brits doing it backwards
everyone shouting
everyone the last lines were meant to show a wider heroism, glad you like it - not sure if I nailed it though
[/quote]
Some of the word choices are tricky because it needs to be Northern English. It needs to be Evertonian or it won't work. I feel like I'm half done. Thanks for the direction guys.
[/quote]
Can't help you with the vernacular. Although, I have watched 'Ted Lasso' several times. The heart of my comments stemmed from my interpretation that Uncle Kev met his demise heading the ball in and then the crowd's slow realization that something was wrong. The single line about concussions was the main thing that got me going that way.
Anyway, sorry about your Uncle
bryn
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I've put an edit up. Bryn and TB were very helpful getting this cleaned up. Is the addition of "slippery" too much for the tone? I can't decide. Any more help would be appreciated. It's not a great poem, but I owe it some time.
Thanks for your insights. Bang on.
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(12-08-2023, 12:41 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Uncle Kev (edit 1, Bryn and TB)
we loved watching him
his thin, white, muscular legs
racing down the pitch
a rain-sopped #5 leather football
no one would dare play with today
(I'm concussed just thinking about it)
a curled cross
and a diving header
into the slippery summer slop
and into the back of the net
everyone shouting, "Get in!, Get in! "
everyone shouting
everyone Hi Tiger,
I like the change for the first line. Fits the poem better IMHO. 'Slippery' works for me. I might cut the 'and', maybe not. My only other suggestion would be to change 'shouting' to 'cheering'. Again, fits the tone better for me. It's a more than a nice poem and a great tribute to your uncle.
bryn
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
Not sure if this 2nd part is needed or not. I can tie up a few metaphors but I might be further alienating those outside the colloquial audience. All thoughts welcome.
This reminds me of the show " The Wonder Years "
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