Ravenous passions keep my ignorance at bay.
My love is an emotion from which I cannot stray.
Tempted to hold in order to feel.
Love freely given is unnecessary to steal.
My eye strays not left nor right.
Looking at you is a heavenly sight.
If you're wondering my intentions let me put you to ease.
Your wish is my command. I live to please.
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(03-16-2024, 12:41 AM)Michaelpoet Wrote: Ravenous passions keep my ignorance at bay.
My love is an emotion from which I cannot stray.
Tempted to hold in order to feel.
Love freely given is unnecessary to steal.
My eye strays not left nor right.
Looking at you is a heavenly sight.
If you're wondering my intentions let me put you to ease.
Your wish is my command. I live to please.
To me, for some reason, rhyme goes with meter (or meter with rhyme). But that's just me... rhymed free verse is sort of the odd corner of the 4x4 matrix or something.
"I live to please" is quite good - brief and (I think) original variant of such as "I live to serve" and "I endeavor to give satisfaction." Nice.
Non-practicing atheist
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Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(03-16-2024, 12:41 AM)Michaelpoet Wrote: Ravenous passions keep my ignorance at bay.
My love is an emotion from which I cannot stray.
Tempted to hold in order to feel.
Love freely given is unnecessary to steal.
My eye strays not left nor right.
Looking at you is a heavenly sight.
If you're wondering my intentions let me put you to ease.
Your wish is my command. I live to please.
Hi MP,
Duke mentioned meter to go along with your rhyme. I'm not much on rhyming, nor am I one to give advice on meter. I'm pretty much a free verse guy. But I'll just say, try reading your poem aloud.
Do you hear any music? I think it's because, while your poem does a good job staying focused on your sweetheart, each line ends with a period, that, when I read it aloud, is like a thump, so the only music I hear is a kind of marching tune. Not the rhythm you want for for a love poem
I'd also say it needs more illustration. It's all about feeling, but can you show some of those feelings in a more concrete way. The line "My eye strays not left or right" is the kind of thing I mean. More of that.
TqB
