The Wife

[Tiger the Lion]

The Wife   (an experimental edit)

He still had lover's breath
as he jumped the elevator
twenty minutes before the interview
when she texted,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.
Enjoy Chicago, see you soon!


The Wife  (original)
 
He still had lover's breath
as he jumped the elevator
twenty minutes before the interview
when she texted,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.

[tectak]

The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath
as he jumped the elevator
twenty minutes before the interview
when she text, texted
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.

[Todd]

The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath--Great first line
as he jumped the elevator--This line adds nothing and could be cut.
twenty minutes before the interview
when she text,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.--I'd like something a little more surprising or open-ended, something subject to interpretation, a little more dangerous. It needs more oomph to be the payoff we need.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

[Keith]

I really like this short Tiger, I wish I had'nt read Todds comments because I agree with most and don't have much more to add so I'm going to be specific, but they are just my thoughts. See comments, best Keith

The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath Strong opener we are plunged into the scene
as he jumped the elevator I like that this gives us a setting tall office block maybe, but it needs something more. could be crowded?
twenty minutes before the interview twenty mins is a long time this makes me think he's leaving an appartment building so I'm not sure maybe 10 mins
when she text,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling. This end doesnt work hard enough in such a short poem maybe link it back to the sex some how? I think your wearing my pants

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for reading everyone.
@tectak - I researched it beforehand and I'm still unsure. 

@Todd, Keith - I wanted there to be some ambiguity as to whether the sex was extramarital or not. - An exploration of the connotations of the word "lover" if you will. The last line falls a little flat for this reason. 
I also intended the elevator to be descending from an apartment more than ascending an office building. - That's how I arrived at 20 minutes after some deliberation. Thanks for the observations. I have a few tweaks to consider.
Paul

[tectak]

Thanks for reading everyone.
@tectak - I researched it beforehand and I'm still unsure. 

@Todd, Keith - I wanted there to be some ambiguity as to whether the sex was extramarital or not. - An exploration of the connotations of the word "lover" if you will. The last line falls a little flat for this reason. 
I also intended the elevator to be descending from an apartment more than ascending an office building. - That's how I arrived at 20 minutes after some deliberation. Thanks for the observations. I have a few tweaks to consider.
Paul

It's a worry. Pedantically, "text" IS a noun, not a verb...so used  you would have to tense it... So, I WILL text you, I am TEXTING you, I TEXTED you.... harrrrruuummmmmpppphhhhh!
I guess the confusion is because narratively speaking() one can say "Text me.." Oh, the modern world....

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for reading everyone.
@tectak - I researched it beforehand and I'm still unsure. 

@Todd, Keith - I wanted there to be some ambiguity as to whether the sex was extramarital or not. - An exploration of the connotations of the word "lover" if you will. The last line falls a little flat for this reason. 
I also intended the elevator to be descending from an apartment more than ascending an office building. - That's how I arrived at 20 minutes after some deliberation. Thanks for the observations. I have a few tweaks to consider.
Paul

It's a worry. Pedantically, "text" IS a noun, not a verb...so used  you would have to tense it... So, I WILL text you, I am TEXTING you, I TEXTED you.... harrrrruuummmmmpppphhhhh!

Done. I can't bear the harumphing!

[Bits]

The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath
as he jumped the elevator
twenty minutes before the interview    The tense changes in this line which makes the next read 'texts' instead of "texts".
when she texted,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.

Other than that I really enjoyed this short because it reminded me of how the little things such as a reminder from a loved one can calm or soothe someone. 

[Tiger the Lion]

A simple edit eight years on. But it's a better poem (I think) than it was 10 minutes ago. 
I've been going back and looking at old poems. Many of them need simple tweaks that seemed like mountains at the time. Anyone else have trouble standing back from their own words?

Thanks to Todd and Keith on this one.

[Wjames]

Hey Tiger, I do think the edit makes it a lot clearer what is going on with the cheating.

If you read the first version carefully you could sort see what was implied (why would they text you that immediately after you left?) but it's easy to miss.

I like the title a lot, it makes me think of a guy complaining about their wife at the pub.

I agree about looking at old poems, when a poem is fresh it can be difficult to see it objectively - you know why each word was put where. After a few months and I forget everything you were thinking while writing, I can see things a little clearer.