Kingdom of the Sun(new title and edit)

[Knot]

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Hi Bryn.

I feel like this one is getting away from me. 
Happens to us all. Always good to take a step back. It's not like you've a deadline to meet.

I have been considering starting again, same basic theme but different angle trying to take in everyone's suggestions.
Sounds like a bit of a tall order. Write the poem you want to write. We'll still critique and/or suggest either way


Best, Knot

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[brynmawr1]

Not much of a rework, but I've put in a new ending that I hope is more interesting.

Thanks again for everyone's past comments.

Bryn

[busker]

I very much prefer the latest version over the previous ones.
The reason why you'd write in short lines of 3-4 words is to achieve a kind of rhythm.
In your first version, you had:

Errand and chore
always early risers,
clamor, to start my day.

Here, none of the lines are interesting on their own. Not only is each individual line devoid of any sonic or imagistic beauty, but you actually have to read 3 lines to make out what the poet is trying to say, which is irritating.

In your latest version, you have individual lines that make sense on their own.
That's far better.

The next step would be to make the poem about 'showing' and not 'telling' i.e. either write a song, or paint a picture.
So 'languid prowls' (cliche), 'in conversation with the wind' (cliched personification), 'verdant leaves' (cliche) etc should be the next things to work on....or you may practise on that sort of thing in your next poem.

[brynmawr1]

I very much prefer the latest version over the previous ones.
The reason why you'd write in short lines of 3-4 words is to achieve a kind of rhythm.
In your first version, you had:

Errand and chore
always early risers,
clamor, to start my day.

Here, none of the lines are interesting on their own. Not only is each individual line devoid of any sonic or imagistic beauty, but you actually have to read 3 lines to make out what the poet is trying to say, which is irritating.

In your latest version, you have individual lines that make sense on their own.
That's far better.

The next step would be to make the poem about 'showing' and not 'telling' i.e. either write a song, or paint a picture.
So 'languid prowls' (cliche), 'in conversation with the wind' (cliched personification), 'verdant leaves' (cliche) etc should be the next things to work on....or you may practise on that sort of thing in your next poem.

Hey Busker,
Thank you for your input and encouragement.  I see your points and will try to apply them going forward.  Thanks for taking such a close look.
Take care,
bryn

[brynmawr1]

Blast from the past. reworked again, above.

[TranquillityBase]

With steaming mug, I search for patio peace,
but chores nag I get on with my day.

The rising sun, sweet in my ear, 
whispers, “stay …                                       shouldn't "stay" be capitalized?

Watch the monarch, orange and black,
flutter by in parley with the wind.

Admire the languid hunter
returned from his nightly prowls.

Sway with the dapper gents in
yellow hats as they dance for me.

Listen for courtesan secrets under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning lullabies.

Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
resplendent in their star-white bonnets.

Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.

Laugh with the blue vested jester scolding
all from his woodsy perch.”

Even as I leave to tend chore’s needs I walk
with a lighter heart, for now I see the kingdom lit

in the sun’s reverie. At day’s end I hope again             reverie implies a lack of attention, which doesn't seem right somehow
to hear the sun sing her parting ochre song.                

Bryn,

Very good, a pleasure to read again.  Packed with spot on imagery.  My two suggestions noted above..

TqB