Posts: 34
Threads: 10
Joined: Mar 2020
The Amourette Autopsy
In vesper’s curt caress there seems no bind
To daylight’s brim or morning’s dire decree-
Your vertigo embrace confounded vows,
Within a steel wheeled cauldron we stirred swamps,
We hyperventilated hurricanes.
Cajoled embraces, arrogated from
your groom and registry and welling eyes;
Celestial bliss, we buzzed God's prayer vault.
We even deemed the telescopic murk,
a trough where genuflections might could reach.
You spun away to opium dens supine,
I could not trace Icarian designs.
You tiptoed the obituary scene
Without your leaving even a toe’s wake-
But in your swirl you must have slipped but once
in its ambitious, enterprising ink.
Oh butterfly why you abjured your wings,
Regressed to the cocoon womb’s staid address?
I wish I could interrogate your wraith
by dream, concussion, disembodiment.
Enraptured by your sallow soft trained tress-
drapes gaped to manifest seraphic tones
of fairness, though distraught by varying hues
that sapience esteems the bends of life
Copyright © Brian Roberts | Year Posted 2021
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
Hi Brian,
Title: I was unsure how you are using "Amourette". I had to look it up and it means both a brief affair and a woman involved in a brief affair.
Poem itself:
I think it would be easier on the reader if you used shorter lines. Something like this:
In vesper’s curt caress
there seems no bind
To daylight’s brim
or morning’s dire decree-
Your vertigo embrace did you mean "vertigoed embrace"?
confounded vows,
Within a steel wheeled cauldron
we stirred swamps
We hyperventilated hurricanes
Cajoled embraces, arrogated
from your groom and registry
and welling eyes; drew a blank on these lines, no idea what you mean
Celestial bliss,
we buzzed God's prayer vault.
We even deemed
the telescopic murk
a trough where genuflections
might could reach;
You spun away to opium dens,
supine, I could not trace who is supine? you or I?
Icarian designs.
You tiptoed the obituary scene
Without your leaving
even a toe’s wake- again, not clear about your meaning here, repetition of toe seems off
But in your swirl
you must have slipped but once
in its ambitious, enterprising ink.
Oh butterfly why did
you abjured your wings,
Regressed to the cocoon is cocoon modifying womb?
womb’s staid address?
I wish I could interrogate
your wraith by dream,
concussion, disembodiment.
Enraptured by your sallow
soft trained tress-
drapes gaped drawn?
to manifest seraphic tones
of fairness, though
distraught by varying hues
that sapience esteems
the bends of life
Punctuation/capitalization seems a bit erratic.
So, these are the things I feel would make the poem more readable, or places where I couldn't follow your meaning.
All that said, there is a lot to like about this poem. I like the denseness of the imagery. It's challenging and I like to be challenged by a poem. And it's a topic dear to this reader's heart.
Hope some of this is useful.
TqB
Posts: 34
Threads: 10
Joined: Mar 2020
[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='253696' dateline='1626163697']
Hi Brian,
Title: I was unsure how you are using "Amourette". I had to look it up and it means both a brief affair and a woman involved in a brief affair.
Poem itself:
I think it would be easier on the reader if you used shorter lines. Something like this:
In vesper’s curt caress
there seems no bind
To daylight’s brim
or morning’s dire decree-
Your vertigo embrace did you mean "vertigoed embrace"?
confounded vows,
Within a steel wheeled cauldron
we stirred swamps
We hyperventilated hurricanes
Cajoled embraces, arrogated
from your groom and registry
and welling eyes; drew a blank on these lines, no idea what you mean
Celestial bliss,
we buzzed God's prayer vault.
We even deemed
the telescopic murk
a trough where genuflections
might could reach;
You spun away to opium dens,
supine, I could not trace who is supine? you or I?
Icarian designs.
You tiptoed the obituary scene
Without your leaving
even a toe’s wake- again, not clear about your meaning here, repetition of toe seems off
But in your swirl
you must have slipped but once
in its ambitious, enterprising ink.
Oh butterfly why did
you abjured your wings,
Regressed to the cocoon is cocoon modifying womb?
womb’s staid address?
I wish I could interrogate
your wraith by dream,
concussion, disembodiment.
Enraptured by your sallow
soft trained tress-
drapes gaped drawn?
to manifest seraphic tones
of fairness, though
distraught by varying hues
that sapience esteems
the bends of life
Punctuation/capitalization seems a bit erratic.
So, these are the things I feel would make the poem more readable, or places where I couldn't follow your meaning.
All that said, there is a lot to like about this poem. I like the denseness of the imagery. It's challenging and I like to be challenged by a poem. And it's a topic dear to this reader's heart.
Hope some of this is useful.
TqB
[/quote
Thank you TranquillityBase! You gave me much to ponder......I look forward to reading more of your work! Again, I appreciate the critique and will make appropriate
edits.
Posts: 34
Threads: 10
Joined: Mar 2020
(07-13-2021, 11:13 PM)Brian Roberts Wrote: [quote="TranquillityBase" pid='253696' dateline='1626163697']
Hi Brian,
Title: I was unsure how you are using "Amourette". I had to look it up and it means both a brief affair and a woman involved in a brief affair.
Poem itself:
I think it would be easier on the reader if you used shorter lines. Something like this:
In vesper’s curt caress
there seems no bind
To daylight’s brim
or morning’s dire decree-
Your vertigo embrace did you mean "vertigoed embrace"?
confounded vows,
Within a steel wheeled cauldron
we stirred swamps
We hyperventilated hurricanes
Cajoled embraces, arrogated
from your groom and registry
and welling eyes; drew a blank on these lines, no idea what you mean
Celestial bliss,
we buzzed God's prayer vault.
We even deemed
the telescopic murk
a trough where genuflections
might could reach;
You spun away to opium dens,
supine, I could not trace who is supine? you or I?
Icarian designs.
You tiptoed the obituary scene
Without your leaving
even a toe’s wake- again, not clear about your meaning here, repetition of toe seems off
But in your swirl
you must have slipped but once
in its ambitious, enterprising ink.
Oh butterfly why did
you abjured your wings,
Regressed to the cocoon is cocoon modifying womb?
womb’s staid address?
I wish I could interrogate
your wraith by dream,
concussion, disembodiment.
Enraptured by your sallow
soft trained tress-
drapes gaped drawn?
to manifest seraphic tones
of fairness, though
distraught by varying hues
that sapience esteems
the bends of life
Punctuation/capitalization seems a bit erratic.
So, these are the things I feel would make the poem more readable, or places where I couldn't follow your meaning.
All that said, there is a lot to like about this poem. I like the denseness of the imagery. It's challenging and I like to be challenged by a poem. And it's a topic dear to this reader's heart.
Hope some of this is useful.
TqB
[/quote
Thank you TranquillityBase! You gave me much to ponder......I look forward to reading more of your work! Again, I appreciate the critique and will make appropriate
edits. To avoid redundancy, would "cocoon loom's staid address be more clear? It seems "cocoon" and "womb" are too homogeneous, and I removed the comma before "supine" for more clarity. Thanks Tqb!
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(07-14-2021, 01:49 AM)Brian Roberts Wrote: To avoid redundancy, would "cocoon loom's staid address be more clear? It seems "cocoon" and "womb" are too homogeneous, and I removed the comma before "supine" for more clarity. Thanks Tqb!
Yes, makes the image more clear to me. But the "butterfly why..." seems to imply you are asking a question, which is why I added "did"
maybe
Oh butterfly why did you shed your wings,
Regress to the cocoon loom’s staid address?
Now that I understand you are striving for iambic pentameter, I really have to reset. As I mentioned, my grasp of metrical rules is...non-existent  For example, how strictly are you required to maintain the pattern. I see a few lines where the pattern breaks down (I think), but perhaps the occaisonal lapse is permitted or even encouraged?
Such as
Regress to the cocoon loom’s staid address? (underlined where I hear a stress)
&
Celestial bliss, we buzzed God's prayer vault.
TqB
Posts: 34
Threads: 10
Joined: Mar 2020
(07-14-2021, 05:13 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (07-14-2021, 01:49 AM)Brian Roberts Wrote: To avoid redundancy, would "cocoon loom's staid address be more clear? It seems "cocoon" and "womb" are too homogeneous, and I removed the comma before "supine" for more clarity. Thanks Tqb!
Yes, makes the image more clear to me. But the "butterfly why..." seems to imply you are asking a question, which is why I added "did"
maybe
Oh butterfly why did you shed your wings,
Regress to the cocoon loom’s staid address?
Now that I understand you are striving for iambic pentameter, I really have to reset. As I mentioned, my grasp of metrical rules is...non-existent For example, how strictly are you required to maintain the pattern. I see a few lines where the pattern breaks down (I think), but perhaps the occaisonal lapse is permitted or even encouraged?
Such as
Regress to the cocoon loom’s staid address? (underlined where I hear a stress)
&
Celestial bliss, we buzzed God's prayer vault.
TqB
The lines you addressed could be read as follows: Re-GRESS to THE co-COON loom's STAID ad-DRESS
ce-LEST-ial BLISS, we BUZZED God's PRAY-er VAULT..........but your point is salient. Thanks for the input...you've helped tremendously!
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