Spirit Checking

[Mark A Becker]

Spirit Checking

My childhood home
feels so foreign now.

The living room
echoes, hollowed out;

your easy chair
thread-bare, from hard nights.

Stale, musty air
smells like hidden mice.

I take one last look,
then turn off the lights.

Spirit Checking

My childhood home
feels foreign now somehow.

The living room
sounds hollow emptied out.

Your easy chair
looks worn out from hard nights.

The very air
smells rank with hidden mice.

[Knot]

.
Hi Mark
I need a little help with the (meaning of the) title.
Might just be me but this feels like it's building to a conclusion, but none arrives.
Just one more couplet should do it!


My childhood home
feels foreign now somehow.

The living room
sounds hollow emptied out. ...................... alternatively empty hollowed out

Your easy chair
looks worn out from hard nights. ............ any alternative to 'out'? To avoid the repetition.

The very air
smells is rank with hidden mice.


Best, Knot


.

[TranquillityBase]

Spirit Checking

My childhood home
feels foreign now somehow.

The living room
sounds hollow emptied out.              emptied, hollowed out

Your easy chair
looks worn out from hard nights.       worn "smooth" or "bare" or "down"

The very air
smells rank with hidden mice.

Mark,  as Knot said, there seems to be a missing ending.  I actually wanted more about the home than one more couplet.  But I know you like the short form.  I like the title very much.

I'm about to go through the process of emptying out the house where I grew up, so this hit home.  There may be a poem like this in my future.

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks guys-
Knot - Spirit Checking just means what it implies

Tim & Knot - I have added a very simple ending

[Knot]

.

Hi Mark,

(it wasn't implying much at all as it wasn't a phrase with which I was familiar.) Still, I'm assuming a variation on checking for the spirits of those (recently, or not) departed? But the singular confuses me. Can't identify who that particular spirit might have be (other than the owner/occupant of the easy chair). Perhaps something simpler, Goodbye, might work?

Much improved by the revision, and the ending, which may be simple but is effective..

the 'chair' still doesn't seem quite right.

My childhood home

feels foreign now. .................. can't see the need for 'so'

The living room

too loud and hollowed out.

Your easy chair

worn bare from hard nights. ........... survivor/relic of long hard nights ?

The very air

rank with hidden mice. .......... aren't mice usually hidden? (This doesn't seem to fit in that well with the other verses, maybe an alternative to 'very' would help? Or, continue with the 'easy chair'?).

Took a long one last look

turned off the lights. ........... like the finality of the ending. Simple but effective. Works well.

Easily scope to add a few more rooms (as TqB wanted) were you minded to do so, just the 'living room' after 'home' leave it a bit on the thin side (but don't change the ending!)

Best,

Knot

.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Knot-

Thanks for checking back in.

As usual with me, I'm sticking with a syllabic poem with lines of 4 then 5 syallables per couplet.

The sparseness is quite intentional, and adding rooms might help, but all I was really going for was the reduction in size: from home to room to chair to air, down to that final parting, and darkness (now)....

Mark

[Knot]

.

Ah, the old home/room/chair/air progression. Silly of me to miss it

Though I'd question if 'air' is smaller than 'chair' (except by two letters). It (the very air) reads as if you're talking about the volume of the air, which surely must be the same size as the room, so I'm not getting that reduction in focus/scale.

And now you've explained that, I'm guessing that why there was no last verse. Hard to find something smaller than air (in the sense you intend) - and the 'light' certainly isn't.

I'll retract my oar now.

Best, Knot

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[Mark A Becker]

Knot -

You said, "Hard to find something smaller than air (in the sense you intend) - and the 'light' certainly isn't. "

Ahh- As a mere point of arguement, I believe that photons are definitely smaller than molecules of air, and once the lights are turned off, it's "fade-to-black".

I do agree that the entire volume of air would be even as large as the entire house, but a whiff of that air, that carries the smell of mouse droppings...

But this piece, as a matter of the heart, never intended to adhere tightly to the laws of physics.

I think you know that, and just wanna bust my chops, pull my chain, etc...

All that said, Knot, I really do appreciate your comments and your keen eye for detail.

Mark

[Knot]

just wanna bust my chops

Heaven forfend.
For all its (apparent) simplicity I think there a strong piece here (stronger than Miscellaneous would suggest).

Well worth crafting ... so keep at it.

Best, Knot

.

[Leaf]

I really like this poem, Mark, and the only suggestion I'd make is 'I took one last look', although I suppose that isn't essential as you already have 'My' at the start.

[RiverNotch]

Spirit Checking

My childhood home
feels so foreign now.

The living room
echoes, hollowed out.

Your easy chair
thread-bare, from hard nights.

The very air
rank with hidden mice.

Took one last look
then turned off the lights.

dusty, haunting, etc etc. it's already good words, but to me it reads like something that would be capital (especially insofar as it would seem more accessible) set to music. i'm no musician though, so, uhh.... xD