Only the dead can die

[Keith]

As we cough cold into the forests
pale cascket, the burning cloak
of sunlight is taken down,
empty streets keep us fireside.

Snowfall beckons a lonely child
to follow a ball into the road,
the crunch and soft thud, laid still
as temperatures drop.

Frozen mourners gather mist on funeral days,
sharp black trees carry distant crow calls
around hard graves, weathervains only watch
as church-bells warn the town.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Keith,
Enjoyed the read. I'm still trying to digest the thematic contents of the poem so most of my comments might be on the technicalities below.

As we cough cold into the forests forest's*?
pale cascket, the burning cloak casket* burning cloak is a nice image btw
of sunlight is taken down,
empty streets keep us fireside.

Snowfall beckons a lonely child
to follow a ball into the road, would "onto" be a more appropriate preposition or no?
the crunch and soft thud, laid still
as temperatures drop.

Could we replace the commas in this stanza with periods?
Frozen mourners gather mist on funeral days, I love the sound of this line and the line below
sharp black trees carry distant crow calls
around hard graves, weathervains only watch weathervanes*
as church-bells warn the town. This sounds like a good ending, but I'm not sure what I missed to get what the bells are warning about. The whole poem has a foreboding tone (with crows, graves, funeral days, casket) but I'm never sure of what. In fact, it sounds foreboding of death (death is even mentioned in the title) but why is death coming? I guess that's what I'm getting at. Is it because these people are already dead like in the title but in the metaphorical sense? If this is so, than death could be taking two meanings in the poem. One of them could be the traditional definition of death, but the other is one I'm not aware of.

Appreciate the read Keith,

Alex

[billy]

i keith, i do like your poetry but this one has me thinking too much. i'm not sure if winter is dead, a child is dead, or it's just a poem about sorrow, some thoughts in poem. of course it could be my head that isn't on properly this morning.

As we cough cold into the forests
pale cascket, the burning cloak casket
of sunlight is taken down,
empty streets keep us fireside. would this line be better reversed with firesides keeping streets empty?

Snowfall beckons a lonely child
to follow a ball into the road,
the crunch and soft thud, laid still
as temperatures drop.

Frozen mourners gather mist on funeral days,
sharp black trees carry distant crow calls great image of foreboding.
around hard graves, weathervains only watch
as church-bells warn the town.

[busker]

The burning cloak had a nice Yeats like quality to it, the crow was “common bird or metal”.
I thought that the poem had a nice kernel
“As temperatures drop” might not be necessary

[busker]

WeathervAnes?

[Knot]

Hi Keith,
strong idea and some very nice images.
Needs tightening though (I think).

Only the dead can die
- Bit Mickey Spillane?
(Maybe 'Stricken' ?)

As we cough cold into the forest[']s
pale cascket, the burning cloak
- strong opening
of sunlight is taken down,
- not sure that 'is taken down' works
(with 'burning cloak')
empty streets keep us fireside.
- this doesn't quite work for me.
Why would 'emptiness' keep one 'fireside'?

Snowfall beckons a lonely child
- would it work to change 'lonely'
to 'only'? Or is there a more 'showing'
alternative than 'lonely'?
to follow a ball into the road,
- In the UK we'd say 'into' so this
works for me.
the crunch and soft thud, laid still
- this is a rather weak line I think,
crunch works, but 'soft thud, laid still'
lacks 'impact' as it were.
Not a serious suggestion but
the crunch and falling stillness
as temperatures drop.
Do you need this. If the temperature drops
the snow stops, yes?
(Maybe something along the lines of
playtimes over?)

Frozen mourners gather mist on funeral days,
- like 'mourners gather mist', but 'frozen' is
a bit flat and 'on funeral days' is redundant, though
it might make a better title.
(Could mourners be 'frost clad' or something?)
sharp black trees carry distant crow calls
- 'carry' by virtue of the crows sitting in them?
around hard graves, weathervains only watch
- why 'around'? (Is there a comma missing
after 'calls'?)
as church-bells warn the town.
- not a good ending I think. I'd suggest either
returning to the falling snow or the burning cloak.

Just a suggestion:

Snowfall beckons a lonely child
to follow a ball into the road,
the crunch and soft thud, laid still
as temperatures drop.

we cough cold into the forests
pale cascket, the burning cloak
of sunlight is taken down, Frozen
mourners gather mist

black trees distant crow
weathervains only watch
as church-bells warn the town.
empty streets keep us fireside.

(Though almost any order seems
to produce something interesting)



Best, Knot.


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