First Edit: The Solvent Blues/Solvent

[Richard]

Solvent

Bought at the dollar store,
paid in coins that skipped
last Sunday's service.

Disappearing dirt just a side effect
of her light headedness.
Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount,
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water murky
from soap and bubbles.
The mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest;
soft prayers lost beneath
masculine voice-
amen not denied, but permitted.

Clean floors never noticed,
her husband eyes
seem to be always closed,
even in the dark,
where they talk about his job,
where they still sleep in the same bed,
as their pastor suggested.

The Solvent Blues

Bought at the dollar store,
but that clear golden liquid
cost more than a dollar.

Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount,
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water turns murky
from soap and bubble-
the mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest.
Fake pine smell sweeter
than a Christmas tree;
disappearing dirt a side effect
of her light headedness.

Each thrust a push further
from their bedroom, where
he closes his eyes, even in the dark,
where she still exclaims, “Oh God!”
at the proper moment.

Her prayers are always denied an amen.

Yet they still practice weekly,
as their therapist suggested,
but she'll never tell him
how free she feels
cleaning
behind locked windows.

[just mercedes]

A quick run through - for me, what sticks out are the number of comparisons - cost more than, quiet as a, sweeter than. Can you push some of them over into metaphor? Lots of small words that don't serve much function - but, yet, finally, further, even, always, still, never.

[Richard]

Hey Mercedes,
Thanks for the feedback. This one was a mess on my page when I wrote out, so I appreciate the suggestions about the wording.

Thanks again,
Richard

[just mercedes]

Hey Mercedes,
Thanks for the feedback. This one was a mess on my page when I wrote out, so I appreciate the suggestions about the wording.

Thanks again,
Richard

I like the scene, the depiction of contrasts showing the problems that exist between the couple. A woman cleaning always brings to my mind Lady Macbeth, and this adds another layer to your poem for me i.e. is he responsible for her being this way? Has she become this, to please him?

Looking forward to seeing where you go from here.

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
promising start.

The Solvent Blues
Not that keen on the title,
Blues suggests a rhythm
that is lacking in the piece.
Why not 'Insolvent'?

Bought at the dollar store,
but that clear golden liquid
cost more than a dollar.
- I think you could cut this entirely,
it offers little and leads nowhere.

Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount,
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water turns murky
from soap and bubble-
the mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest.
- it's a nice image, but then
it just stops.
Fake pine smell sweeter
than a Christmas tree;
disappearing dirt a side effect
of her light headedness.
- I agree with mercedes about the
comparisons/short words.
Just a suggestion:

Mop quiet as a nun awaiting
her priest. Soap and bubble,
that dirt disappears
is a side effect of her light
headedness.

Measured twice, safeguard
against the correct amount,
eyes, allowed to tear up,
finally.

- I think you need to return to
the 'nun' image to begin this verse.
Each thrust a push further
- I can see why you use 'thrust'
but is it really the right/best word?
from their bedroom, where
he closes his eyes, even in the dark,
where she still exclaims, “Oh God!”
at the proper moment.

Her prayers are always denied an amen.
- don't see why this line is isolated.

Each thrust takes her further
from their bedroom, his eyes
closed, even in the dark,

even at the moment
she exclaims“Oh God!”
Her prayers never end
in an amen.

Yet they still practice weekly,
as their therapist suggested,
but she'll never tell him
how free she feels
cleaning
behind locked windows.
- the ending, with the sudden switch
away from cleaning, feels a little
rushed/anticlimactic, particularly
the last line.


Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. Your suggestions about reorganizing/rewording gave me a lot to think about when I attempt an edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

[alonso ramoran]

Hey Richard, comments below

The Solvent Blues

Bought at the dollar store,
but that clear golden liquid
cost more than a dollar. improper verb tense of "cost" works fine here to add a more rootsy/folksy tone tone to the poem, esp when considering the title. Overall great start to the poem and great job embodying the title in the first stanza.

Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount,
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water turns murky
from soap and bubble- I'd go with "bubbles" and a double dash for an em dash, though I think a comma should suffice. And I'm not sure if "murky" is the right word only because it evokes dark and muddy imagery. I think words like "opaque" or "cloudy" would substitute better
the mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest. I like this simile here.
Fake pine smell sweeter The improper verb tense of smell interrupts the reading more than adding a folksy flare to the poem's tone. Not sure if this was intentional. I'd either write "pine" as "pines" or "smell" as "smells". I really like the idea of this clause btw.
than a Christmas tree;
disappearing dirt a side effect
of her light headedness. I feel like a dash is needed in "light headedness", but I might be wrong

Each thrust a push further
from their bedroom, where
he closes his eyes, even in the dark,
where she still exclaims, “Oh God!”
at the proper moment. This stanza starts confusing me with the religious/sexual overtones. I mean the stanza itself is well-written but I question its importance. I was also led to believe there was a clear distinction between the pronouns of the "mop" and cleaner; I thought the "she" was the cleaner because of S2L3 as well as the mop because of the simile in S2L6-7. But then it's also because of that simile I start to think that the cleaner is now a "he". I think, and I might be overstepping my position as just a critic w/ this idea, that you should maybe cut out the priest/nun metaphor from the poem altogether to avoid confusion with who is who. If I'm missing something, feel free to hint at it in a spoiler.

Her prayers are always denied an amen.

Yet they still practice weekly,
as their therapist suggested,
but she'll never tell him him as in the therapist? or priest? Bringing a therapist into play in a poem that has some to do with cleaning makes me think OCD. Just thought I'd point that out.
how free she feels
cleaning I like the isolation of "cleaning"
behind locked windows.

My reading was a little muddled with the priest/nun metaphor but I still hope I've said something with substance. Also, it seems as if you lose the conversational tone you had in the first stanza as the poem progresses, which is unfortunate. I'll have to disagree with justmercedes on omitting the small words; I feel like words like "finally" serves a lot in sentences like the one in S2L3.

Best, Alex

[Richard]

Hey Alex,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm starting to think that I was trying to do too much here. Based of on what you said, maybe my use of the word "thrust" isn't the most effective... want to give this one some thought before attempting an edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
Decided to play around with this one. Feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[busker]

Solvent .... I didn't find mention of a solvent (in the popular, rather than the chemical, sense) in the poem, just soap....?

Bought at the dollar store,
paid in coins that skipped
last Sunday's service.

Disappearing dirt just a side effect
of her light headedness.
Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount,
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water murky
from soap and bubbles.
The mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest; ......this is a great analogy
soft prayers lost beneath
masculine voice-
amen not denied, but permitted. ...... might be better to end this strophe at 'priest'. these last three lines dilute the effect of the previous 2.

Clean floors never noticed,
her husband eyes ......I'm assuming that there's a missing " 's" here, not a confusion about gender identity
seem to be always closed,
even in the dark,
where they talk about his job, ....... I like how these lines convey a breakdown of communication in the marriage
where they still sleep in the same bed,
as their pastor suggested. ........ great ending.

The Solvent Blues

Bought at the dollar store,
but that clear golden liquid
cost more than a dollar.

Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount,
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water turns murky
from soap and bubble-
the mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest.
Fake pine smell sweeter
than a Christmas tree;
disappearing dirt a side effect
of her light headedness.

Each thrust a push further
from their bedroom, where
he closes his eyes, even in the dark,
where she still exclaims, “Oh God!”
at the proper moment.

Her prayers are always denied an amen.

Yet they still practice weekly,
as their therapist suggested,
but she'll never tell him
how free she feels
cleaning
behind locked windows.

Nice one

[Knot]

Hi Richard.

The revision is a bit hit and miss, for me.  I wonder if sticking with
the short-ish lines is hampering the piece? There's a compelling
portrait in there somewhere but it seems crammed into too small a
space.  I also think you've lost some of the better parts from the
original.  So, a short cut and paste (in the 'food for thought' vein),
rather than a long explanation.


[She] paid in coins that skipped last Sunday's service,
at a dollar store [on *address*
a handful tripped and stumbled on the counter. Every penny
counted more than once.]

At home she measures twice [and pours ...]
That dirt disappears is just a side effect of her light-headedness.
[She mops, her devotions ...]

Each [unsatisfying?] thrust a push further away from their bedroom,
where, [despite the dark] he always closes his eyes, where she still [cries],
“Oh God!” at the [right] moment.  Her prayers denied an amen.

[And when they talk] as the Pastor suggested, [about his day],
his job, [or, Heaven forbid, how she is, she wonders if he
even notices her raw-red hands or how] clean [are the] floors [?]


Best, Knot.


.

[Richard]

Hey Knot and busker,
Thanks for the feedback. I was unsure about the title, so I need to give that some thought. I will also give the longer lines more thought as well.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

late on the scene here richard.
the opening three lines work much better for me. it's something i'd connect to a non adult. the original first three felt a little too easy. for me the poem is a hard slog, could just be me. at first specially because of the title i saw solvent abuse. now i'm not sure. i wish i could be of more help with this one. while the writing seems okay i can't see the story clearly enough.

Solvent

Bought at the dollar store,
paid in coins that skipped
last Sunday's service.

Disappearing dirt just a side effect no need for just
of her light headedness.
Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount, feels a little tell and not show.
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water murky
from soap and bubbles.
The mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest;
soft prayers lost beneath
masculine voice-
amen not denied, but permitted.

Clean floors never noticed,
her husband eyes
seem to be always closed,
even in the dark,
where they talk about his job,
where they still sleep in the same bed,
as their pastor suggested.

The Solvent Blues

Bought at the dollar store,
but that clear golden liquid
cost more than a dollar.

Measured twice to safeguard
against the correct amount,
her eyes are finally allowed
to tear up. Water turns murky
from soap and bubble-
the mop quiet as a nun
waiting for a priest.
Fake pine smell sweeter
than a Christmas tree;
disappearing dirt a side effect
of her light headedness.

Each thrust a push further
from their bedroom, where
he closes his eyes, even in the dark,
where she still exclaims, “Oh God!”
at the proper moment.

Her prayers are always denied an amen.

Yet they still practice weekly,
as their therapist suggested,
but she'll never tell him
how free she feels
cleaning
behind locked windows.

[Richard]

Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I am thinking of changing the title in the next edit. I started out with an idea in the original, and the more I revise, the further I get from that idea, and I think the title reflects that. This was actually the third part to a trilogy of poems, but I never said that before now because it needs to be able to stand on its own. I'm thinking part of my problem is that I tie it back to those two previous poems, but that creates blanks within this poem that hurt it. Hope that makes sense, feel like I'm rambling a bit.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

that makes perfect sense. sometimes it's easier for us the person who wrote something to see it in it's entirety if it's a series of poems.