Space vs. Soul

[Cassiopeia88]

Hi guys, I'm new here and a beginner at writing. I would appreciate some constructive criticism  


Space vs. Soul

Oh, the deep question of the universe!

So dazzling, scary even; its complexities

Endlessly expanding

 

Or just reflecting?

 

Does the vastness of the blue horizon;

the penetrating glare of cosmos

Really make me shiver more than

 
Hidden inner landscape, bottomless desires
Monstrous, maddening undercurrents
Connections, symptoms with no end
 
True infinity
 
Perverted question of the human soul

[TemporaryForever]

Space vs. Soul

Oh, the deep question of the universe!
So dazzling, scary even; its complexities
Endlessly expanding

Or just reflecting? <=== Your opening is not too bad but rather short and basic. A little more fleshing out of this comtemplation would be nice.

Does the vastness of the blue horizon;
the penetrating glare of cosmos
Really make me shiver more than <==== What? You ask a question here yet no question mark is found anywhere else in the poem to finish the thought.

Hidden inner landscape, bottomless desires
Monstrous, maddening undercurrents
Connections, symptoms with no end. <===== I kind of get where you're going here but I feel you're lacking some exposition. Landscape of what? Underrcurents of what? Symptoms of what?

True infinity

Perverted question of the human soul <===== I like this line but it seems rather orphaned. Is there a connecting thought here I've missesd?

You've got some good building blocks here but I feel there's a few pieces missing.

[Cassiopeia88]

Thank you for the feedback, TemporaryForever! I agree with your points, it's all kind of abstract and it could be better linked. The last line was meant as an antithesis for the first line + all those undercurrents, landscape, etc. were meant to lead to this line. Like how the mechanisms of our subconscious, "soul" or whatever can be in a way even more difficult to truly gasp and understand than sth as huge as space. It could be more specific, maybe I'll rewrite some parts one day.

[Todd]

Hi Cassiopeia,

Welcome to the site! A few comments for you on this:

Hi guys, I'm new here and a beginner at writing. I would appreciate some constructive criticism  


Space vs. Soul

Oh, the deep question of the universe!

So dazzling, scary even; its complexities--right here I think you need to rely on imagery rather than flat descriptors. Telling me something is dazzling or scary or complex is not as effective as reaching for an image or images that express these concepts and make the words gain life.

Endlessly expanding--This is a nice idea that is true of the universe but again if you do the work in the previous line and then have expanding be a natural consequence of the imagery it would be much stronger.

 

Or just reflecting?--Asides like this can be a bit distracting. They sort of work like scaffolding to get you there and then can be removed after your done. The poem is usually stronger for it.

 

Does the vastness of the blue horizon;

the penetrating glare of cosmos

Really make me shiver more than

 
Hidden inner landscape, bottomless desires
Monstrous, maddening undercurrents
Connections, symptoms with no end--All of this isn't bad but it still reads like a layered list of descriptors. I think you need to go one layer down to make this work.
 
True infinity
 
Perverted question of the human soul

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Cassiopeia88]

Thanks for the comment Todd! Yes, this definitely helped, I can see what you mean by the lack of imagery. Oh and I actually thought of removing that reflecting line but kept it at the end

[GrhmJngL]

Most of what I would say has already been said, but just to reiterate: the feeling is in one sense very much there, but the problem is that the poem mostly just tells us what you’re feeling about the topic, and then lists a load of adjectives relating to it. As a rule, lists of adjectives aren’t your friend as a writer. In a poem it’s much more effective to communicate you’re feelings by showing us what has triggered those questions and emotions, in language that conveys and gets across that beauty or mystery, instead of just tellling is that it’s there. Unless I’m personally very close to you, telling me that you’re happy, sad, angry, horny, etc. isn’t going to make me feel the same way.

Your passion is clear, and I’d love to see more from you like this, written with some of the pointers others have given above in my mind.

Thanks for the read.
Keep writing.
Graham

[Cassiopeia88]

Most of what I would say has already been said, but just to reiterate: the feeling is in one sense very much there, but the problem is that the poem mostly just tells us what you’re feeling about the topic, and then lists a load of adjectives relating to it. As a rule, lists of adjectives aren’t your friend as a writer. In a poem it’s much more effective to communicate you’re feelings by showing us what has triggered those questions and emotions, in language that conveys and gets across that beauty or mystery, instead of just tellling is that it’s there. Unless I’m personally very close to you, telling me that you’re happy, sad, angry, horny, etc. isn’t going to make me feel the same way.

Your passion is clear, and I’d love to see more from you like this, written with some of the pointers others have given above in my mind.

Thanks for the read.
Keep writing.
Graham

Graham, albeit a bit repetitive, this was very clear and nicely put! Thanks for the comment, I really liked it

[GrhmJngL]

Sorry about that! 

[Cassiopeia88]

Noo don't be, I enjoyed it! I really like the way you phrased everything

[wordgobbler]

Hi guys, I'm new here and a beginner at writing. I would appreciate some constructive criticism  

Hi welcome!!

Space vs. Soul

Oh, the deep question of the universe! 

So dazzling, scary even; its complexities

Endlessly expanding

 

Or just reflecting? <----- this really gives the audience something to think about

 

Does the vastness of the blue horizon;

the penetrating glare of cosmos

Really make me shiver more than

 
Hidden inner landscape, bottomless desires
Monstrous, maddening undercurrents 
Connections, symptoms with no end <---- the decision to use the word symptom is really unique
 
True infinity
 
Perverted question of the human soul

i really like this poem!! i think it is really precise and interesting