Final Edit: Springblade

[alonso ramoran]

Springblade 

I. Lollygagging 
We spun like soil and sky,  
as one within a gyre; 
clouds smeared smut  
across our supple skin  
as we tumbled, giggling, 
down sides of grassy hills  
no longer there. 
 
Millenia has cleaved us 
into strangers, in the breeding 
of everything, when bushes 
sang with nightingales and 
the air of meadows teemed 
with wafting yellow motes
and little furry bumblebees;  
 
there were once a couple hives, 
singing birds, and men. 

II. Ferris Wheel 
From up here, 
the tops of carousels look like 
glowing starlight peppermints. 

Warm clouds breathed pass the 
hard dead skin of chapped lips 
carry awkward silence and forget 
the banter of our youth. 

In the biting wind, I scrunch my nose 
and I'm reminded of its friendship  
with the face, seconds later 
when numb nerves settle;
 
and like my frozen nose,
your wrapping arms assured me of 
the familiarity of where we are. 

Original: Springblade 

I. Lollygagging  
We spun like soil and sky,  
as one within a gyre; 
clouds smeared smut  
across our supple skin 
as we tumbled, giggling, 
down sides of grassy hills  
no longer there. 
 
Millenia has cleaved us 
into strangers, in the breeding 
of everything, when bushes 
sang with nightingales and 
the air of meadows teemed 
with wafting yellow orbs 
and little furry bumblebees;  
 
there were once a couple hives,  
singing birds, and fewer men. 

II. Ferris Wheel  
From up here, 
the tops of carousels look like 
glowing starlight peppermints. 
 
In the biting wind, I scrunch my nose 
and it's reminded of its friendship  
with the face, seconds later 
as numb nerves settle. 
 
Warm clouds breathed pass 
hard dead skin of chapped lips  
carry awkward silence and forget 
the banter of our youth, 
 
but like my frozen nose, 
your wrapping arms assured me of 
the familiarity of where we are.

[nibbed]

Springblade                                                                         I wondered if this was a place

I. Lollygagging                                                                     I like this word
We spun like soil and sky,  
as one within a gyre; 
clouds smeared smut  
across our supple skin 
as we tumbled, giggling, 
down sides of grassy hills  
no longer there.                                                                    beautiful stanza
 
Millenia has cleaved us                                                           beautiful reference to an all-so-common word
into strangers, in the breeding 
of everything, when bushes 
sang with nightingales and 
the air of meadows teemed 
with wafting yellow orbs 
and little furry bumblebees;                                                   
 
there were once a couple hives,  
singing birds, and fewer men.                                                 wonderful metaphor

II. Ferris Wheel                                                                        my favorite ride
From up here, 
the tops of carousels look like 
glowing starlight peppermints.                                                  great scene/observation in child-like joy
 
In the biting wind, I scrunch my nose 
and it's reminded of its friendship  
with the face, seconds later                                                      this is a incomplete,
as numb nerves settle.                                                             maybe remove "as"?
 
Warm clouds breathed pass 
hard dead skin of chapped lips                                                  i read a "the" in this line
carry awkward silence and forget 
the banter of our youth, 
 
but like my frozen nose, 
your wrapping arms assured me of 
the familiarity of where we are.                                                    



I'm unsure of the title. The poem made me think of Edgewater, a simpler Amusement Park of my youth. Thank you for writing something that makes me see warmth and sunshine. There's no rejection or judgement in this poem. It is a situational matter-of-factly poem. Kind and Friendly, a thoughtful reminder, even. I see it ending more joyful, though. With smiles and laughter.


nibbed

[JmLA]

The alliteration scattered throughout the poem pleases me.  Whether or not you did this intentionally doesn't matter, for it gives a sense that this is your natural way of speaking. Therefore, I find the alliteration to create a great lip feel while reading the poem, as well as provide musicality to the poem while not becoming obsessed with the particular poetic device.  

I'd be curious to read this poem after you work out the very few kinks I came across.  I stumbled while reading the second stanza of 'Ferris Wheel'. Since you say "my nose", it confuses me to then read "it's friendship" in the next line.  Maybe say "and I'm reminded...".  This would also eliminate the double usage of "it's" in the same line. While they mean different things, they sound the same.  Since I don't think that particular repetition stems from poetic choice, but rather necessity, I think it should be reworded in order to promote a smoother line.  You later come back to say "my frozen nose", so I think it would be nice to have the nose consistently be in your possession, and not suddenly take on its own point of view for a split second. 

I enjoyed reading this.  Reminds me of childhood vacation flings.  I especially enjoy the second stanza of 'Lollygagging'. I can take the image you gave and use it to prompt my own imagination.

[alonso ramoran]

Thank you nibbed and JmLA for your critiques, made some changes accordingly.

Springblade is not a place. It's the name of a metaphorical sword I came up with, the metaphor is explored in the second stanza of Lollygagging.