Letting Go of Clarity

[flagthrower]

New edit:

You should have been more clear - 
clear like the air you breathe
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains
of your town.

I longed for dependability 
like the foaming tides
never ceasing to crash and recede, 
but you pulled back and pushed out.

Your sweet sweat dripped down
like the early morning dew
that collects on petals and
slowly rolls down. 

But, on the other hand, 
I saw through you, 
like the water in Antarctica, 
so clear you feel like you are in space. 
Battling ignorance with honesty,
I couldn't tell up from down.

Grounded now, I drill a hole
deep in the ice.
It's so cold your insides will freeze, 
and I let you down.
I am falling, too,
then floating, free.

Old Version:
You should have been more clear
Clear like the water in Antarctica
Water so clear you feel like you are in space
Floating, being

You should have been more clear
Clear like the air you breath
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains
of your town

You should have been more clear
Clear as the dependable tidal waves
Never ceasing to crash and recede 
Pulling back, pushing out

You should have been more clear
Clear like the sweet morning dew
Collecting on petals and
dripping down slowly

But, 
on the other hand, 
I can see through you.
Battles of ignorance or honesty 
you have won
this nonsensical race 
But you were the only one running, anyway

Now i drill a hole
deep in the ice
and let you down.
And i am falling, too
floating, free

[Keith]

You should have been more clear
Clear like the water in Antarctica
Water so clear you feel like you are in space I'm not really feeling this but could just be me
Floating, being needs a fullstop

three clear and two water is not helping the opening stanza to have taht grab effect.

You should have been more clear
Clear like the air you breath
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains
of your town Really like this stanza I would open with this

You should have been more clear
Clear as the dependable tidal waves maybe just tides rather than tidal waves
Never ceasing to crash and recede 
Pulling back, pushing out full stop

You should have been more clear
Clear like the sweet morning dew
Collecting on petals and
dripping down slowly Nice image again but they are all getting lost in the repeat and the 'clear like' perhaps you could condense three of the images into one stanza and drop the repeat and then carry on from here.

But, 
on the other hand, 
I can see through you.
Battles of ignorance or honesty this 'or' makes me think you dont know, if this is to be the slam dunk then it needs to be convincing and clear
you have won
this nonsensical race 
But you were the only one running, anyway no full stop and why capitalise the line ?

Now i drill a hole
deep in the ice
and let you down. I like the shift into cold like being ignored
And i am falling, too
floating, free I dont really get this are you falling or floating?

Hi Flagthrower welcome to the site
I like how you have structured the poem, ie. you should have been clearer but actually I can see through you, and you dont really matter to me. you treat us to some very nice images on the way down but it does feel a little over played and im not sure the repeat is helping that much. I have put some comments above, hope they make sense Keith.

[flagthrower]

You should have been more clear
Clear like the water in Antarctica
Water so clear you feel like you are in space I'm not really feeling this but could just be me
Floating, being needs a fullstop

three clear and two water is not helping the opening stanza to have taht grab effect.

You should have been more clear
Clear like the air you breath
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains
of your town Really like this stanza I would open with this

You should have been more clear
Clear as the dependable tidal waves maybe just tides rather than tidal waves
Never ceasing to crash and recede 
Pulling back, pushing out full stop

You should have been more clear
Clear like the sweet morning dew
Collecting on petals and
dripping down slowly Nice image again but they are all getting lost in the repeat and the 'clear like' perhaps you could condense three of the images into one stanza and drop the repeat and then carry on from here.

But, 
on the other hand, 
I can see through you.
Battles of ignorance or honesty this 'or' makes me think you dont know, if this is to be the slam dunk then it needs to be convincing and clear
you have won
this nonsensical race 
But you were the only one running, anyway no full stop and why capitalise the line ?

Now i drill a hole
deep in the ice
and let you down. I like the shift into cold like being ignored
And i am falling, too
floating, free I dont really get this are you falling or floating?

Hi Flagthrower welcome to the site
I like how you have structured the poem, ie. you should have been clearer but actually I can see through you, and you dont really matter to me. you treat us to some very nice images on the way down but it does feel a little over played and im not sure the repeat is helping that much. I have put some comments above, hope they make sense Keith.

Thank you for the feedback! I like the idea of condensing the similes into one section.

[Todd]

Hi flagthrower, welcome to the site!

Some things I like here.

I think you have a nice concept. However, I think you are using repetition as a sort of scaffold to prop the piece up. It got you to this point and that's good but it now is more of distraction than a help. I would look to pull out most of the repetitive elements and get to the core of what you're trying to say. I think you would wind up with a much stronger piece.

You should have been more clear
Clear like the water in Antarctica--This is fine the first time you use it.
Water so clear you feel like you are in space--Water so clear is that sort of repetition you should cut. You could choose to introduce a different element entirely. You have Antarctica, why not play with that (you could introduce cold which works with both Antarctica and space. You could alter the water by making it sluggish approaching ice. You have options). The water so clear part is just uninteresting.
Floating, being

You should have been more clear
Clear like the air you breath--Now just lead into the idea no "Clear like anymore" typo: breathe
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains--lots of words, not a lot of impact. This feels bolted on.
of your town

You should have been more clear
Clear as the dependable tidal waves--While I get predictable from this image, I don't necessarily get clear from it.
Never ceasing to crash and recede 
Pulling back, pushing out

You should have been more clear
Clear like the sweet morning dew
Collecting on petals and
dripping down slowly

But,--This is not strong enough to hold the line. 
on the other hand, 
I can see through you.--You do need a turn, but this entire opening is a bit clunky. Maybe rephrase: 
but you are clear/as I can see through you (or something like that).
Battles of ignorance or honesty 
you have won
this nonsensical race--This is more abstract. You need to balance the earlier imagery with a clean payoff image or you could be accused of not being clear--and that would be ironic. Something more concrete here.
But you were the only one running, anyway

Now i drill a hole
deep in the ice
and let you down.
And i am falling, too
floating, free--I think I see where you are going but it all feels a bit disconnected.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[Linda]

New edit:...........Your edit is good you have a lot to work with here, I will play with this a bit

You should have been more clear - ......................You should have been clear,
clear like the air you breathe.................................clear as the air you breathe
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains............in the north, in forests and the mountains
of your town.                                                        of your town.

I longed for dependability 
like the foaming tides
never ceasing to crash and recede, ...........I would end the stanza here
but you pulled back and pushed out.

Your sweet sweat dripped down
like the early morning dew ................seems over used, I would think on another simile 
that collects on petals and
slowly rolls down. 

But, on the other hand, .................Omit but
I saw through you, 
like the water in Antarctica, .......................Antarctica, space ......use one or the other
so clear you feel like you are in space. 
Battling ignorance with honesty,   ....................this line is not making sense to me
I couldn't tell up from down.

Grounded now, I drill a hole..........I like this line
deep in the ice.
It's so cold your insides will freeze, ..........but this line seems to take me out of the thought, maybe omit it from the S 
and I let you down......................Grounded now I drill a hole in the ice and let you down, I'm falling too,
I am falling, too,                          then floating free.
then floating, free..........Just a few thoughts to take or leave.     Best, Linda

Old Version:
You should have been more clear
Clear like the water in Antarctica
Water so clear you feel like you are in space
Floating, being

You should have been more clear
Clear like the air you breath
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains
of your town

You should have been more clear
Clear as the dependable tidal waves
Never ceasing to crash and recede 
Pulling back, pushing out

You should have been more clear
Clear like the sweet morning dew
Collecting on petals and
dripping down slowly

But, 
on the other hand, 
I can see through you.
Battles of ignorance or honesty 
you have won
this nonsensical race 
But you were the only one running, anyway

Now i drill a hole
deep in the ice
and let you down.
And i am falling, too
floating, free

Hi flagthrower, welcome to the site!

Some things I like here.

I think you have a nice concept. However, I think you are using repetition as a sort of scaffold to prop the piece up. It got you to this point and that's good but it now is more of distraction than a help. I would look to pull out most of the repetitive elements and get to the core of what you're trying to say. I think you would wind up with a much stronger piece.

You should have been more clear
Clear like the water in Antarctica--This is fine the first time you use it.
Water so clear you feel like you are in space--Water so clear is that sort of repetition you should cut. You could choose to introduce a different element entirely. You have Antarctica, why not play with that (you could introduce cold which works with both Antarctica and space. You could alter the water by making it sluggish approaching ice. You have options). The water so clear part is just uninteresting.
Floating, being

You should have been more clear
Clear like the air you breath--Now just lead into the idea no "Clear like anymore" typo: breathe
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains--lots of words, not a lot of impact. This feels bolted on.
of your town

You should have been more clear
Clear as the dependable tidal waves--While I get predictable from this image, I don't necessarily get clear from it.
Never ceasing to crash and recede 
Pulling back, pushing out

You should have been more clear
Clear like the sweet morning dew
Collecting on petals and
dripping down slowly

But,--This is not strong enough to hold the line. 
on the other hand, 
I can see through you.--You do need a turn, but this entire opening is a bit clunky. Maybe rephrase: 
but you are clear/as I can see through you (or something like that).
Battles of ignorance or honesty 
you have won
this nonsensical race--This is more abstract. You need to balance the earlier imagery with a clean payoff image or you could be accused of not being clear--and that would be ironic. Something more concrete here.
But you were the only one running, anyway

Now i drill a hole
deep in the ice
and let you down.
And i am falling, too
floating, free--I think I see where you are going but it all feels a bit disconnected.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[Knot]

Hi flagthrower.
Your title appears to be at odds with the poem,
as N seems to be finding clarity, not letting go of it,
and, given the repetition of 'clear' it reads like a poor pun.

You should have been more clear -
Is there a reason this line is not
You should have been clearer ?
clear like the air you breathe
in the north, in the forests, in the mountains
of your town.

I longed for dependability
like the foaming tides
never ceasing to crash and recede,
but you pulled back and pushed out.
The image works but the phrasing seems a bit off
to me. Nice sonics in the third line.

Your sweet sweat dripped down
like the early morning dew
that collects on petals and
slowly rolls down.
This appears to be quite distinct from the first two verses
and does not seem to follow on from them.

I think the last line of each of the first three stanzas is unnecessary,

But, on the other hand,
There's an emotion in S1 that is not present here.
'on the other hand' suggests a calm/rational
weighing up (as opposed to the 'frustration' of S1/2)
I saw through you,
like the water in Antarctica,
so clear you feel like you are in space.
Battling ignorance with honesty,
I couldn't tell up from down.

Grounded now, I drill a hole
deep in the ice.
It's so cold your insides will freeze,
and I let you down.
I am falling, too,
then floating, free.

These two verses seem a little muddled.
I'm not quite sure what it is your trying to say,
(or why you're saying it in this way).

I think you had a nice idea in the original version,
the first line repetition, but you might rework it as;
You should have been...[clearer/dependable/...]
and then elaborate on that attribute.
I'd also suggest tightening each verse to three lines.

Best, Knot.

[JmLA]

I think the revisions provide a nice poem.  Only concerns I have are regarding time. If you could carry the reader along with you through a sense of time, I think that would tie the stanzas together nicely.  As it is, the poem confuses me a bit in terms of when things are happening.  Is this poem taking place in the moment during contemplation? You hint at and use some time-related words, and I'd like to see those strengthened a bit or possibly tied together somehow to add another dimension to this writing.