the nightmall dream v1.5

[RiverNotch]

the nightmall dream


The monolith
rises. The highway ends,
the parking lot begins. Crowds swarm
like starlings -- scrub it out, scrub it out.

Once, and not a more sustained
adverb, we used to wait. Words, we claimed,
were never enough -- we said sorry but
we couldn't connect, broke our lines in
the wrongest ways, rhymed without purpose, caressed

you run from crimes you don't remember. you can't look back:
the guards, half on foot and half on segways, track
like german dogs. instead of words they've tied together sticks, and your bombshell partner's
deserted you: she's covered the way to your car in slicks, in jelly beans.
the tires skid. as you fly away to heaven, she sucks in the sound
of the supermarket, butchers splitting wings from legs.

the nightmall dream



The monolith
rises. The highway ends,
the parking lot begins. Evenings flocked
by starlings -- scrub it out, scrub it out.

Once, and not a more sustained
adverb, we used to wait. Words, we claimed,
were never enough -- we said sorry but
we couldn't connect, broke our lines in
the wrongest ways, rhymed without purpose, caressed

you run from crimes you don't remember. you can't look back.
you reach the lot. you dig for keys: the guards, half on foot and half on segways, track
like hounds. instead of guns they've tied together sticks, and your bombshell partner's
deserted you: she's covered the way to your car in slicks, in jelly beans. 
the tires skid. as you fly away to heaven, she sucks in the sound
of the supermarket, butchers splitting wings from legs.

[dukealien]

the nightmall dream



The monolith
rises. The highway ends,
the parking lot begins. Evenings flocked
by starlings -- scrub it out, scrub it out.  Nice foreshadowing of the act to come.

Once, and not a more sustained
adverb, we used to wait. Words, we claimed,
were never enough -- we said sorry but  words never enough - again justifying the act to come.
we couldn't connect, broke our lines in  nice line break (breaking-in our dramatic lines)...
the wrongest ways, rhymed without purpose, caressed good internal rhyme (wrongest/carressed)

you run from crimes you don't remember. you can't look back. rationalizing the act again
you reach the lot. you dig for keys: the guards, half on foot and half on segways, track lovely snap back to the original meaning of segue,  smooth/purposeful/meaningful transition
like hounds. instead of guns they've tied together sticks, and your bombshell partner's  now the violence
deserted you: she's covered the way to your car in slicks, in jelly beans. "rhymed without purpose" sticks/slicks
the tires skid. as you fly away to heaven, she sucks in the sound   how many virgins does this bomb earn?
of the supermarket, butchers splitting wings from legs.  last phrase is terrific (in both senses) - the aftermath

Not being much of a free verse stylist, not many critical suggestions - more thought on interpretation and structure.

As my comments above show, I (perhaps very wrongly) see this as, or referring to, a terrorist bombing - maybe the remote second-person trigger variation - starting with dislike for the commercial monolith that must be rubbed out, the rationalization that only the act will do, and the act at last with its slippery, scattered body parts.

The three stanzas each take a different voice - first (mostly) objective, second "we" explaining - "our" manifesto, as it were.  And the third using "you" to put the reader in the midst of the action with the authorial viewpoint looking over his shoulder, commenting.

So apologies if that's all wrong and a more innocent guilt was intended.  A good read, and it made me think... even if the thinking hared off in  total divergence.  Night dreams don't have to make waking sense.

[Richard]

Hey RiverNotch,
This poem has a strong surreal feeling to it, which is appropriate because the title implies that it is a dream. I'll go into more detail below:
 

the nightmall dream -I get that "nightmall" is a play on nightmare and the setting. It just seems like you're taking too much poetic license here, but that is purely my opinion as I am sure others would disagree. 



The monolith -I assume the monolith is the mall. I like it being described that way.
rises. The highway ends,
the parking lot begins. Evenings flocked
by starlings -- scrub it out, scrub it out. -I have no idea why there are starlings at the mall, but that just adds to the surreal atmosphere of the poem.

Once, and not a more sustained
adverb, we used to wait. Words, we claimed, -Wait for what? For some reason I envision a bus since this is happening at a mall.
were never enough -- we said sorry but
we couldn't connect, broke our lines in
the wrongest ways, rhymed without purpose, caressed -Most of this stanza seems to be talking about poetics. I really don't understand why. Is this supposed to be the speaker's conscious mind trying to break through the dream?

you run from crimes you don't remember. you can't look back. -I noticed the lack of capitalization in this stanza. I actually think this adds to the dream atmosphere of the poem.
you reach the lot. you dig for keys: the guards, half on foot and half on segways, track
like hounds. instead of guns they've tied together sticks, and your bombshell partner's -"track/ like hounds" seems a bit cliched (How do I make the accent on the "e"?) to me, but I could be wrong.
deserted you: she's covered the way to your car in slicks, in jelly beans. 
the tires skid. as you fly away to heaven, she sucks in the sound
of the supermarket, butchers splitting wings from legs. -I think these last three lines nail the surreal feeling. I love the jelly beans image because it sounds like something you would see in a dream.

Overall, I think you have a nice poem here. I think with some minor tweaks you could have a strong surreal poem here.

Cheers,
Richard

[Achebe]

the nightmall dream ...as a pun on 'nightmare', perhaps'the nightmall' would be better?



The monolith
rises. The highway ends,
the parking lot begins. Evenings flocked
by starlings -- scrub it out, scrub it out. ...the first three lines have a sequence of clean, striking images. I'm not sure why you bring starlings in here. It's only weakly surreal, and fritters away the gains of the first three lines.

Once, and not a more sustained
adverb, we used to wait. Words, we claimed,
were never enough -- we said sorry but
we couldn't connect, broke our lines in
the wrongest ways, rhymed without purpose, caressed ...I like this strophe in itself, but I would rather see it in a different poem. 

you run from crimes you don't remember. you can't look back.
you reach the lot. you dig for keys: the guards, half on foot and half on segways, track ...There's too much happening here. Guards giving chase would make sense if you were trying to get away, not park. I get that a dream's not supposed to make sense, but this feels like a random jumble of images that could have been replaced by any other random jumble of images.
like hounds. instead of guns they've tied together sticks, and your bombshell partner's
deserted you: she's covered the way to your car in slicks, in jelly beans. 
the tires skid. as you fly away to heaven, she sucks in the sound
of the supermarket, butchers splitting wings from legs....the ending is well done again. I can hear the 'thud'.

[CRNDLSM]

the nightmall dream



The monolith
rises. The highway ends,
the parking lot begins. Evenings flocked
by starlings -- scrub it out, scrub it out. I like the build-up but I think 'scrub it out' is weak the second time.

Once, and not a more sustained
adverb, I like this interjection we used to wait. Words, we claimed,
were never enough -- we said sorry but
we couldn't connect, broke our lines in
the wrongest ways, rhymed without purpose, caressed caressed without purpose? Unclear what's caressed because of whats broke

you run from crimes you don't remember. you can't look back. You? We? 
you reach the lot. you dig for keys: the guards, half on foot and half on segways, track segways made me laugh at first, but it's a mall and a dream
like hounds. instead of guns they've tied together sticks, and your bombshell partner's
deserted you: she's covered the way to your car in slicks, in jelly beans. Jelly beans made me laugh too, if it's slick it's slippery? Jelly beans would be squishy? 
the tires skid. as you fly away to heaven, she sucks in the sound
of the supermarket, butchers splitting wings from legs. The rush of the whole last block of words is like waking up especially with the drastic change of scenery and abrupt end.

Anyways I liked it!

[RiverNotch]

thanks for the feedback. new edit, though something's missing. i disagree with repetition being ineffective, though consensus might change my mind; as well, i didn't realize "nightmall" was a pun, so for now i'm keeping "dream". again, thanks for the feedback.

[elleblack]

Much of this poem I find very arresting. I'm torn, because I like the use of the word 'deserted' in the third to last line, what it evokes etc., but I feel like it breaks the flow of the words that come before it. I feel like the poem would flow better aloud if the word 'deserted' was replaced by something shorter, e.g 'left', though this could be at the detriment of the poem's emotive quality.

A fan of the reference to unconventional line breaks in a poem filled with them. However, I'd consider breaking the third line of the second stanza at 'sorry' rather than 'but', so it would read:

were never enough -- we said sorry
but we couldn't connect, broke our lines in