It is too warm and too bright radiating, all over, this light the moon is my sun gentle, indirect one in the calm of the night she rises my tide breakfast for dinner again wipe the tears, 7 a.m.
It is too warm and too bright radiating, all over, this light the moon is my sun gentle, indirect one in the calm of the night she rises the tides breakfast for dinner again wipe my tears, 7 a.m.
Good poem. I especially liked "the moon is my sun" theme.
Maybe "wipe my tears" needs a few words farther up in the poem to put it in context.
And oh how I know this condition! (That I use it to avoid human contact seeking the "calm of the night" is another story altogether. )
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
It is too warm and too bright radiating, all over, this light the moon is my sun gentle, indirect one in the calm of the night she rises the tides breakfast for dinner again wipe my tears, 7 a.m.
Good poem. I especially liked "the moon is my sun" theme.
Maybe "wipe my tears" needs a few words farther up in the poem to put it in context. i intended that with "she rises the tides" .. gravity drawing water. tears are not a bad thing per se, hiding them is.
And oh how I know this condition! (That I use it to avoid human contact seeking the "calm of the night" is another story altogether. )
(05-11-2017, 08:01 PM)Achebe Wrote: .....or the lack of it? Nice!
Probably not the lack of it. If you have a regular 24 hour cycle (circadian rhythm) then it's just
being produced at a different time. irregular? The it gets really screwed up.
P.S. You can keep a balanced non-traditional 24 hour schedule if you do it this way:
1. You experience one period of bright light longer than three hours but less than 16 at the same time every 24 hours,
and you go to bed 16 hours after the time the exposure started, and get about 7 1/2 hours of sleep in a dark area.
2. You don't vary this schedule (by more than about +/- 2 hours).
(Working a rotating work shift or breaking your schedule on weekends will absolutely screw this up.)
3. You don't get more than 1 bright light exposure a day. (Such as what happens if you sleep 8 hours in the middle of the day
and get exposed to bright light for 4 hours before and after you sleep.
I usually screw this up in some fashion and end up tired and psychotic.
(05-12-2017, 04:37 AM)vagabond Wrote: "Maybe "wipe my tears" needs a few words farther up in the poem to put it in context." i intended that with "she rises the tides" .. gravity drawing water. tears are not a bad thing per se, hiding them is.
Oh, I didn't understand the correlation. But if most readers don't as well...
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
(05-11-2017, 08:01 PM)Achebe Wrote: .....or the lack of it? Nice!
Probably not the lack of it. If you have a regular 24 hour cycle (circadian rhythm) then it's just
being produced at a different time. irregular? The it gets really screwed up.
P.S. You can keep a balanced non-traditional 24 hour schedule if you do it this way:
1. You experience one period of bright light longer than three hours but less than 16 at the same time every 24 hours,
and you go to bed 16 hours after the time the exposure started, and get about 7 1/2 hours of sleep in a dark area.
2. You don't vary this schedule (by more than about +/- 2 hours).
(Working a rotating work shift or breaking your schedule on weekends will absolutely screw this up.)
3. You don't get more than 1 bright light exposure a day. (Such as what happens if you sleep 8 hours in the middle of the day
and get exposed to bright light for 4 hours before and after you sleep.
I usually screw this up in some fashion and end up tired and psychotic.
(05-12-2017, 04:37 AM)vagabond Wrote: "Maybe "wipe my tears" needs a few words farther up in the poem to put it in context." i intended that with "she rises the tides" .. gravity drawing water. tears are not a bad thing per se, hiding them is.
Oh, I didn't understand the correlation. But if most readers don't as well...
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
(05-12-2017, 11:05 AM)ellajam Wrote: Ha, that's a whole different poem.
yeah, would be real hard to make any sense of it thinking about skin colour
No, it made perfect sense, living by the pull of the moon, weeping at dawn. Though it did make me interpret Ray's comment as he may have a disorder or be a vampire.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
honestly, though it felt to me a lot like a mistake, it still made sense referring to melanin, in the same sunburnt sense ella noted; that was more on ray's comment, though i did also hope you would address it. to me, it's not really different -- it's a little less interesting, but a lot, lot cleaner.
(05-12-2017, 11:05 AM)ellajam Wrote: Ha, that's a whole different poem.
yeah, would be real hard to make any sense of it thinking about skin colour
No, it made perfect sense, living by the pull of the moon, weeping at dawn. Though it did make me interpret Ray's comment as he may have a disorder or be a vampire.
(see below)
(05-12-2017, 11:27 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: honestly, though it felt to me a lot like a mistake, it still made sense referring to melanin, in the same sunburnt sense ella noted; that was more on ray's comment, though i did also hope you would address it. to me, it's not really different -- it's a little less interesting, but a lot, lot cleaner.
Oh! I wish I'd been a bit more observant when I read it. I misinterpreted the spelling because I am,
at heart, a creature of science who yearns to chatter on and on about it.
But yes; "melanin", as well as making perfect sense, makes for a much more compelling poem.
While "melatonin" is nicely cerebral, "melanin" entangles us in the visceral complexities of race.
P.S. I possess a professionally-diagnosed disorder. (And even if I was a vampire, I'd lie and say I wasn't,
because being one has become inordinately déclassé.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
ellajam and rayheinrich!
you are actually trying to tell me to change it back?
perhaps i can come up with a title that is neither too strange (since apparently nothing is plain false) nor too scientific.
(05-13-2017, 06:14 PM)vagabond Wrote: ellajam and rayheinrich!
you are actually trying to tell me to change it back?
perhaps i can come up with a title that is neither too strange (since apparently nothing is plain false) nor too scientific.
For me, at least, I'd be happy with either title. While I think it's fun to discuss what various stuff means,
in the end it's your poem and you should follow your heart and/or brain.
Or: Fork them out and make two poems... oops, seems I've handed you another decision.
But if you're a decent writer, you'll not only be able to handle all of these decisions, you'll be able,
like all good writers, to worry about which and how many were correct for always.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
(05-13-2017, 06:14 PM)vagabond Wrote: ellajam and rayheinrich!
you are actually trying to tell me to change it back?
perhaps i can come up with a title that is neither too strange (since apparently nothing is plain false) nor too scientific.
As always, just letting you know my experience with the poem. It's totally up to you to apply commments to your poem or not, and how to do that. What is best for the poem is yours to decide.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
