< winter's coming >

[rayheinrich]

                       

                                                                < winter's coming >
                                                       
                                                        down here on the Gulf Coast of Texas
                                                       
                                                        the mosquitoes are dying
                                                        and it's time for thicker shorts
                                                        and wearing socks with sandals
                                                       
                                                        the leaves
                                                        are a paler green
                                                        the grasses
                                                        have slowed their growth
                                                        the air conditioners
                                                        are quieting down
                                                       
                                                        winter's coming
                                                        a time for reflection
                                                        a time to venture out
                                                        to stop sweating
                                                        to forget about the vines
                                                        choking the gardenias
                                                        and the hibiscus
                                                       
                                                        a time to act sober
                                                        to drink a little less
                                                        to swear off
                                                        the drugs of summer
                                                       
                                                        a time to contemplate spring
                                                        and our dreams of life
                                                        and the return
                                                        of mosquitoes

                                                                - - -

[milo]

I know you aren't looking for critique, but I found this enjoyable but with some that could be cut - "down" on the first line, etc. the passive voice interjection on s2 was appropriate where normally I would balk.

[Achebe]

I like the particularity of the observations - for instance, the shorts are still there but thicker, and the grasses are still growing, but more slowly. I like how the ending loops back to the beginning - a device that never stales. And the picture makes it perfect.
But is 'quieting' a word? I thought it was 'quietening'?

[rayheinrich]

I know you aren't looking for critique, but I found this enjoyable but with some that could be cut - "down" on the first line, etc. the passive voice interjection on s2 was appropriate where normally I would balk.

Actually I am looking for critique. Though in misc. you have to give it out of charity...
(and I'm always, it seems, taking advantage of it.)

Yes, that "down"... I decided to take it out of the second line instead of the first.
Does that seem to fix part of what you didn't like?

---

I like the particularity of the observations - for instance, the shorts are still there but thicker, and the grasses are still growing, but more slowly. I like how the ending loops back to the beginning - a device that never stales. And the picture makes it perfect.
But is 'quieting' a word? I thought it was 'quietening'?

Thanks for reading and liking.

P.S. They're both decent words. 'Quieting' is more U.S. and 'quietening' is more Brit.

[kolemath]

It's a great read for someone who despises winter, namely me. I especially like how the nearly sentimental ending is cured by mosquitoes. This form confuses me though I see it getting more popular. Why'd you choose it? Shouldn't the two sides read as poems of their own? Not to say that sections don't.

I gotta get further south but not too redneck south..

[milo]

[quote='milo' pid='218186' dateline='1475982989']
I know you aren't looking for critique, but I found this enjoyable but with some that could be cut - "down" on the first line, etc. the passive voice interjection on s2 was appropriate where normally I would balk.

Actually I am looking for critique. Though in misc. you have to give it out of charity...
(and I'm always, it seems, taking advantage of it.)

Yes, that "down"... I decided to take it out of the second line instead of the first.
Does that seem to fix part of what you didn't like?


 yes,  the one after mosquitoes, the problem with posting on my phone I suppose.

[vagabond]

                       

                                                                < winter's coming >
                                                       
                                                        down here on the Gulf Coast of Texas
                                                       
                                                        the mosquitoes are dying
                                                        and it's time for thicker shorts
                                                        and wearing socks with sandals
                                                       
                                                        the leaves
                                                        are a paler green
                                                        the grasses
                                                        have slowed their growth
                                                        the air conditioners
                                                        are quieting down
                                                       
                                                        winter's coming
                                                        a time for reflection
                                                        a time to venture out
                                                        to stop sweating
                                                        to forget about the vines
                                                        choking the gardenias
                                                        and the hibiscus
                                                       
                                                        a time to act sober
                                                        to drink a little less
                                                        to swear off
                                                        the drugs of summer
                                                       
                                                        a time to contemplate spring
                                                        and our dreams of life
                                                        and the return
                                                        of mosquitoes

                                                                - - -

this is not about seasons of the year, is it?

[rayheinrich]

It's a great read for someone who despises winter, namely me. I especially like how the nearly sentimental ending is cured by mosquitoes. This form confuses me though I see it getting more popular. Why'd you choose it? Shouldn't the two sides read as poems of their own? Not to say that sections don't.

I gotta get further south but not too redneck south..

> When it gets too popular, I'll switch.
> Further south perhaps, but maybe not this far south.
> "Redneck" is a myth propagated by the Yankee Entertainment Monopoly.

this is not about seasons of the year, is it?

No, it's not; it uses them as metaphors.

[ellajam]

My daytime connection won't show your images so they're new each evening.

The poems stand on their own but it's always fun to see them.

[rayheinrich]

My daytime connection won't show your images so they're new each evening.

My fault (actually our repressive culture). Because some of my poems
contain images of naked people, they're considered "inappropriate", "pornographic",
or some such. While the images, by and large, don't merit this classification; the text
(if "they" actually bothered to read it), would get me banned for life.

The poems stand on their own but it's always fun to see them.

While I consider the images to be an integral part of the poem,
I'm more than happy to have the text read alone as it means I've
written twice as many poems. (Yes, it's the quantity that matters.)