Early Dawn_ReVision 1+ title revision

[LunaDeLore]

Early Dawn (title revision)

blue as sky:
      azure.
dreams as dandelions:
     wild.
wind as water:
     crisp
       &
tomorrow
     wakes
 
     sometimes
     too
     soon.
 
--------------------------------
Original
--------------------------------
blue as sky
      azure
dreams as dandelions
     wild
wind as water
     crisp
tomorrow
     wakes
 
     sometimes
     too
     soon

[Lizzie]

blue as sky
      azure -- isn't azure a kind of blue? Seems redundant.
dreams as dandelions
     wild
wind as water -- I like wind as water, flowing and ever moving, but it doesn't flow well into crisp
     crisp
tomorrow
     wakes
 
     sometimes -- I'd just say too soon. I think having sometimes weakens the statement.
     too
     soon

Hi Luna!  I'd consider a title change, since it gives away your ending lines. It's kind of a spoiler.

I do like 'tomorrow wakes too soon.' I take it as the loveliness being described doesn't last long enough.

Good to see you posting again.

Lizzie

[LunaDeLore]

blue as sky
      azure -- isn't azure a kind of blue? Seems redundant.
dreams as dandelions
     wild
wind as water -- I like wind as water, flowing and ever moving, but it doesn't flow well into crisp
     crisp
tomorrow
     wakes
 
     sometimes -- I'd just say too soon. I think having sometimes weakens the statement.
     too
     soon

Hi Luna!  I'd consider a title change, since it gives away your ending lines. It's kind of a spoiler.

I do like 'tomorrow wakes too soon.' I take it as the loveliness being described doesn't last long enough.

Good to see you posting again.

Lizzie

Lizzie,

I built this little piece holding a bit of Carl Jung's word association; using simple words. Nevertheless, I think you're right concerning the title and flow.

You know, it's good to post again.

Thanks for reading and commenting

Luna