a sound (revision 2)

[burrealist]

revision 2:

crumpled papers skip

scatter and fly

-----------------------------------

crumpled paper
skipping ~
away

revision 1:

crumpled papers skip astray

and scatter like kites



original:

crumpled papers skip astray

and scatter like leaves

[Keith]

I like the image of a writers toil slipping away but I think you should used something more original than scatter like leaves. It is just too bland for such a short piece. Best keith

[burrealist]

That's an interesting idea. I'll be looking around for ideas, then.

---

In the natural world.

[nibbed]

revision 1:

crumpled papers skip astray

and scatter like kites






hahaha I liked the revision better.
But if something is astray,
isn't it, well...kinda scattered?



kite's wrappings escape
(caught up in excitement's whirl)
making flights their own

[burrealist]

astray, I'll keep. I like scatter. So maybe...

besprinkle?

dispel?

set asunder?

scramble?

Why not just make this a really odd pairing of lines?

[just mercedes]

I'd narrow it down even further - e.g.

crumpled paper
skipping ~
kites

[burrealist]

Serious question: Is there a line drawn where something has too little?

skip
paper
kite

maybe that doesn't give as much as

crumpled paper
skips-
kites

[nibbed]

I'd narrow it down even further - e.g.

crumpled paper
skipping ~
kites

yeah

[RiverNotch]

i like how skip jumps from scatter though -- as if it skips, and especially with the title. but yes, astray needs to be cut.

crumpled papers skip
scatter like kites

now if only there was a way to remove that final "t", complete the floating-away

[burrealist]

now if only there was a way to remove that final "t", complete the floating-away

"fly" was obvious.

[LunaDeLore]

revision 2:

crumpled papers skip

scatter and fly

-----------------------------------

crumpled paper
skipping ~
away

revision 1:

crumpled papers skip astray

and scatter like kites



original:

crumpled papers skip astray

and scatter like leaves

burrealist,

I've read all three versions of the work and the second revision is my least favorite. But it is fun to read in a fret line sense. The big problem I had reading the first revision rests on imagery. It's hard to imagine kites scattering as they typically take flight in the wind or get tangled in grandma's oak tree.

I think it would read better if you went with something more along these lines;

crumpled papers skip astray
and scatter across the boulevard....

I hope I've helped.

Luna

[burrealist]

I've read all three versions of the work and the second revision is my least favorite. 


crumpled papers skip astray
and scatter across the boulevard....

I know what you mean. I'm trying to embody minimalism like everyone suggests. But the image needs to expand, as well.

[LunaDeLore]

I've read all three versions of the work and the second revision is my least favorite. 


crumpled papers skip astray
and scatter across the boulevard....

I know what you mean. I'm trying to embody minimalism like everyone suggests. But the image needs to expand, as well.

I understand completely