A windy cirrus sky wisping
ice, celestial, sea;
the cold brackish Bay shimmering
azure, diamond, sage;
gird a saltgrass-fringed, pickleweedy isle,
harboring a peaceful colony of oceanic
pelicans−each one plumed achromatic
white: impartial, sympathetic, pure,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly lollipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−
blue, green, red, yellow−
bound glaringly off squat specular architecture
over a sprawling synthetic archipelago,
cloaking in fulgent rainbows kaleidoscopic
kids−each one a fractal of chromatic
intensity: particular, contrastive, spectral,
as an impulse, desire, fantasy.
[b]
[/b]
[b]Silicon Valley Palettes
[/b]
A windy cirrus sky wisping
ice, celestial, sea;
the cold brackish Bay shimmering
azure, diamond, sage;
gird a saltgrass-fringed, pickleweedy isle,
harboring a peaceful colony of oceanic
pelicans−each one plumed achromatic
white: indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly lollipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a perspective, desire,
fantasy.
I've just returned home from 12 days in China, during which I had hoped to keep this workshop session moving along. However, the Great Firewall has deemed 'pigpenpoetry.com' a 'Forbidden' site (perhaps the 'colorful' language found therein?). I decided to avoid the hassle of finding a VPN and therefore had no access to this site during my stay, hence my belated revision.
For the same reason, I have only just read the comments by ameril and tectak, for which I am much obliged. I will think about them further and consider them in future revisions. For now, a few comments: The crux of the criticism in both comments, as I see it, is that the poem is unnecessarily wordy. My latest revision, in most instances, would still be guilty on this score, I suppose. I did remove the 'dashes' in the first few lines, where the stacked 'colors' are supposed to suggest something like the palette for the respective image. The 'colors' deliberately range and blend; are non-primary, softish, and not vivid; and do (now) attempt to resonate meaningfully with the image and/or general environment (e.g., high cirrus clouds are comprised of ice crystals, while ice is generally colorless or can be associated with 'ice blue'; diamond is perhaps the only exception in this regard, but the shimmering Bay sure does glimmer in sunlight like a sea of diamonds, which again are generally considered colorless--and I like it with 'cold' and for the rhythm, when pronounced with two syllables /.--that palette reads: /././). Also, the sky and Bay are supposed to meld--hence, 'sea' on the palette in line one and 'azure' (nearly a synonym for sky) on line two's palette--and perhaps refract indistinctly the 'colors' of each other and the general topography--hence, 'sage'[brush] is ubiquitous and a pretty good representative of the color of most other scrub, brush, and marsh grasses in the area (e.g., the saltgrass, a slightly darker green, and the very soft pickleweed in line five), beyond describing the soft 'green' hue of the Bay water (at times, in places, and from certain angles).
Regarding 'achromatic' and 'chromatic': the scienctific reference is deliberate. I was inspired to write the poem in part by a correspondence that struck me between the science (and my scientific understanding is simple, to be sure) and the philosophy/psychology of color (s). Achromatic (white) refers to the refraction of light without color separation; white, for example, stimulates the three types of color sensitive cone cells almost 'equally'--hence, 'indistinct, impartial, colorless' (I do believe it is an overstatement to say that these three words mean "exactly" the same thing; they are indeed close, but in different contexts they become differently nuanced and the point here is to enable, if not 'push', contextual reference outside that which the poem takes up more specifically). There is sharp color separation and 'unequal' stimulation with the chromatic colors; hence, "singular, contrastive, vivid." Ditto regarding meaning and context. The closing triune of terms in each stanza aims to 'push' wider contextual associations and implications.
The stanzas (each one a palette of palettes) are obviously intended meaningfully to contrast; I've carried the contrast into the visual form of each stanza. But I will think more about this experimentation.
Regarding perspective: the giant lollipops are indeed outside, just like the bicycles and umbrellas (I've never been inside the googleplex, though I've seen pictures and the movie). In my first draft, I placed lollipop inside single quotation marks because here it stands for any number of giant puerile props peppering the sprawling googleplex grounds, including a chocolate covered donut with rainbow flecks, monsters of some sort, an ice cream sundae, a ginger bread boy, etc. All our outside for anyone to see. No need for a bird's-eye view either. A walk through will do. Do keep in mind that the spatial scope here is open and expansive and squat, and deliberately designed so; you almost do feel like you have a bird's-eye view of the place from ground level.
[pre verse]
Silicon Valley Palettes
A cloud-wisped sky of celestial-to-tiffany,
thistle and foothills of sienna-to-coyote,
the shimmering Bay of viridian-to-sea,
surround a grassy myrtle-to-moss isle,
brimming with a colony of aquatic pelicans−
each one achromatic white:
indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly l@llipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a private perspective,
desire, fantasy.
[pre verse
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy;
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss,
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless,
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night.
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red;
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy.
This is to say it like I see it, or not.
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
[/pre verse
(12-06-2016, 12:39 AM)Mahjong Wrote: A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy; had to look up "Jordy," a very recent synonym for "azure," apparently
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss, I get that it's small, but could it be "isle" rather than "islet?"
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless, could do without "and" here
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night. could lose "Just" and "the;" "and dark night" stumbles. "full night?"
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red; you must be describing predominant color first in these three lines? Otherwise why the changing order? could that be made explicit, otherwise it looks a bit pointless and repetitive
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture, I'm not seeing kids, etc. reflected (specularly) in mirror-windowed buildings - "archtecture" takes the viewpoint up above ground level
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy. Parallelism with the end of S1 noted - need to lose some "a" here.Could the poem then end at this point?
This is to say it like I see it, or not. this line is obscure
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White. seems trivial given the buildup - is this stanza (from "This is to say") disposable?
In a spirit of serioius workshopping..
What this poem lacks in rhythm, it does not quite make up in descriptive density/intensity. It seems, to me, cluttered with "a" and "the" which break up developing rhythms - a few examples noted above, but generally, you might be well advised to remove nearly all of them and add back only where essential to keep the rhythm flowing. Or replace them with more descriptive adjectives, but the poem is already fully packed with those IMHO.
(Title: Goethe wrote about color, but I have trouble casting him as a critic of the scenes described, much less a three-headed dog who must be pacified.)
The structure and richness of detail here are intriguing, but could be made more fun to read. If you'll pardon the rewrite for an example,
Indistinct, impartial, colorless
as sunlight, distant stars, full night.
With those reservations, an enjoyable and well-organized read. Thanks for posting!
Hi Mahjong, I think this poem is, or could be very interesting. The theme is a good one, and worth some revision and development. I agree with much of the previous editorial suggestions made by dukeeallen, so will not belabor those aspects. My comments are more subjective and reflect a personal reaction, so take them as you find them.
(12-06-2016, 12:39 AM)Mahjong Wrote: A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy; .....I think this 'jordy' reference lays to much of a burden on the not very 'hip' reader like me.
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;...........maybe after this line go straight to what is between?
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;...........I think the 'upon' feels very old school here.
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss, ................how about myrtle and moss?
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:...................................I would cut 'brimming' but I'm not a pelican expert - do they brim like gulls for instance? The only pelicans I am slightly familiar with are the ones in Florida, and they seem to come in all shades of grey and brown.
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless,
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night................Just my subjective call, but I would cut 'sunlight and the dark, for the point is made already.
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green; .................I can see all those tech-types on their clown bikes!
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow; ...................Silicone Valley in some outward ways does display a juvenile mien, and manner.
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red;
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,................I'm not sure where we are here, but I have never visited....so
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity: ........Just my opinion but I would suggest 'chromatic fantasy' might be more apt.
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy.............. Yes, you get to the 'fantasy' aspect here. Maybe devolpoe the fantasy theme here and then end poem.
This is to say it like I see it, or not.
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
I live in Ohio and feel very far away from the setting of this poem. Of course this is not the poets fault. I do think though that you place too great an expectation of recognition on the general reader. That is where I think you should focus your attention on the new edit. Lead the reader into the scene and locality in a more inclusive way.
Thank you for the sharp and thoughtful comments/suggestions, dukealien. They are educational for me and hugely helpful. I've made some revisions, attaching comments/explanations/questions along the way.
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme(; Or a Sop to Goethe) Added the alt title with Goethe's 'poetics' (not science) of colors in mind; it's his discussion of the psychological impact of colors on mood and emotions (gaity, excitement, purity, power, youth, age, etc.)--it's an intriguing aesthetics that he intuits; that said, I do have much more in mind in this regard than I (explicitly) present in this brief poem; it takes me some time to part ways with all that I wish to convey and to come to terms with the limits of what I've actually produced on the page--the alt title's days are numbered ;-)
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy;
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy isle of myrtle to moss, You are correct--isle is better, perhaps because it's softer, an overall
sensibility that I'm shooting for here ; 'islet of myrtle' had a certain immediate
consonance to me such that I never stopped to consider an alternative, but
it's a 'hard' consonance.
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, colorless, 'and' is gone--much better
As distant stars, sunlight, full night. Love your rewrite here (may I use it?); I was hung up--as this poem in particular has often left me--on 'sense'; 'distant' adds a nice rhythm and poetic imagery, even if it's unnecessary for grasping the stars' achromatic character (which I was hung up on), ditto for 'full night', whereas 'dark night' is clunky (and, worse, Batman-esque), but seduced me by emphasizing the (a)chromatic character pertinent here.
Clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas,
Giant swirly lollipops−
Green, yellow, red, blue; I genuinely disliked my treatment of the primary colors in these opening three lines (I had juggled the color order a few times, almost going with ending each line with 'blue'); I needed your poke here to get out of my being hell-bent on banging readers over the head with mind-numbing iterations of red, blue, green, yellow; long story, but my impulse in this stanza was precisely to eschew rhyme (there is only one, at the end) and rhythm in exchange for a style and form that was 'techy' stiff and monotonous and pure 'sense' (e.g., [b]a succession of 'em dashes', though I'm unsure if that's actually what they were; Note: I live under a mile from this 'three-headed dog'--enough said?). At the same time, I didn't quite wish to come out and express what I feel; I wanted to remain mainly in a descriptive register, and smuggle some sense of my feelings in the style/form. In any case, don't hesitate to let me know if this change doesn't do it--I'm unsure about it.[/b]
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,
Reflecting gaily the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic Fair enough on viewpoint, but google 'googleplex' and surf through the images--Silly Valley architecture is squat, and the mirrored facades, even in the pictures, do reflect an impressive expanse of the immediate foregrounds; that said, what matters most is what resonates off the page to readers (not what actually reflects off the buildings to viewers). Let me know what you think.
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, vivid, Goodbye (and good riddance) to 'and'
As a perspective, a desire, a fantasy. I really wanted to annihilate the indefinite 'a' articles here, but a couple things leave me hesitant: my aim is to emphasize the singularity of each of these (abstract) things, something that to me seems to require the indefinite articles, especially here, since, for example, 'desire' means something quite different from 'a desire', with the former invoking the psychoanalytic concept that is amorphous and far from 'vivid', and the latter invoking something that 'is' or 'seems to be' within reach, so defensibly 'singular, contrastive, vivid'. Is there that much lost poetically here by leaving these indefinite articles in place?
This is to say it like I see it, or not. Feisty me, is this last stanza. I originally ended the poem after the last line of the 2nd stanza (right where you suggest), and had sat on it that way for a couple days. But I wasn't satisfied that I would get a 'unanimous decision' and so had to go for a knock-out punch. "Like I see it" aims to resonate with the optical orientation here, while "or not" is my poaching of a (Elizabeth) Bishopean trope that qualifies a claim or aim in a gesture of reflexive honesty or even humility (i.e., I might have been shooting for pure description, but have I actually succeeded in circumventing my psyche and leaving out my own feelings and emotions?). Bishop's poems are replete with qualifying or self-questioning 'or's'; but this is not to say that I have pulled this off at all, not to mention with an aplomb anything close to hers (which I would NEVER claim--she is inimitable).
But what am I to make of it? If my (ostensible) register up to now has been optical/seeing/descriptive, here my aim is to cathect, to pull the plug on what I have (sincerely, or not) up to now tried to keep mainly corked, and I do this by making a shameless appeal to what might be my (etymological) 'right' if could presume to be a 'poet', and if by 'poetry' we might mean 'poesis', which means literally 'to make'. So, perhaps too lazily, I have 'made' (imagistically) a tiny piece of poetry wherein I let all too much hang out; hence, (as always) "trivial." In any case, I have broken out the line, performatively staggering it, so that it does not unfold embedded (hidden) within a conventional line of text. I also get the added emphasis of caps with each word, but I wouldn't claim that this works. Your comments here might have set the alarm on the shelf-life of this final stanza :-).
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
Thank you so much again, dukealien!
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy; had to look up "Jordy," a very recent synonym for "azure," apparently
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss, I get that it's small, but could it be "isle" rather than "islet?"
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless, could do without "and" here
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night. could lose "Just" and "the;" "and dark night" stumbles. "full night?"
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red; you must be describing predominant color first in these three lines? Otherwise why the changing order? could that be made explicit, otherwise it looks a bit pointless and repetitive
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture, I'm not seeing kids, etc. reflected (specularly) in mirror-windowed buildings - "archtecture" takes the viewpoint up above ground level
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy. Parallelism with the end of S1 noted - need to lose some "a" here.Could the poem then end at this point?
This is to say it like I see it, or not. this line is obscure
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White. seems trivial given the buildup - is this stanza (from "This is to say") disposable?
[/quote]
In a spirit of serioius workshopping..
What this poem lacks in rhythm, it does not quite make up in descriptive density/intensity. It seems, to me, cluttered with "a" and "the" which break up developing rhythms - a few examples noted above, but generally, you might be well advised to remove nearly all of them and add back only where essential to keep the rhythm flowing. Or replace them with more descriptive adjectives, but the poem is already fully packed with those IMHO.
(Title: Goethe wrote about color, but I have trouble casting him as a critic of the scenes described, much less a three-headed dog who must be pacified.)
The structure and richness of detail here are intriguing, but could be made more fun to read. If you'll pardon the rewrite for an example,
Indistinct, impartial, colorless
as sunlight, distant stars, full night.
With those reservations, an enjoyable and well-organized read. Thanks for posting!
[/quote]
Hi Sparkydashforth,
Thank you for your comments! For starters, just to be clear, I don't hold against you your Ohio-ness (;-), as I know all too well from personal experience that we often can't control where we end up living (hence, this poem). I would love to be able to upload for you a picture of the 'specific' pelican colony that inspired my poem. Since I moved to this area 5 months ago, I have run or rode my bike past that pelican colony 2-3 times a week--and in order to reach the Bay, where upon the pelican colony resides, I run or ride LITERALLY right through the heart of the main MV Googleplex. Last weekend was the first first time, on a bike ride, that I decided to bring my poetry books and my computer and my camera (full disclosure, I don't own a smart phone--so, yes, an old fashioned camera). I have a picture of the pelican colony 'brimming' on its isle in the MV Baylands, a very short distance from the Googleplex. I began the poem the night after I returned from that bike ride--referencing my pictures throughout--and finished it the next morning. I would love to upload for you a picture of the pelican colony, but for the tech-illiterate life of me, I cannot figure out how to do so on this site. Can you PM me your private email address?
Mahjong
Hi Mahjong, I think this poem is, or could be very interesting. The theme is a good one, and worth some revision and development. I agree with much of the previous editorial suggestions made by dukeeallen, so will not belabor those aspects. My comments are more subjective and reflect a personal reaction, so take them as you find them.
(12-06-2016, 12:39 AM)Mahjong Wrote: A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy; .....I think this 'jordy' reference lays to much of a burden on the not very 'hip' reader like me.
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;...........maybe after this line go straight to what is between?
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;...........I think the 'upon' feels very old school here.
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss, ................how about myrtle and moss?
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:...................................I would cut 'brimming' but I'm not a pelican expert - do they brim like gulls for instance? The only pelicans I am slightly familiar with are the ones in Florida, and they seem to come in all shades of grey and brown.
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless,
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night................Just my subjective call, but I would cut 'sunlight and the dark, for the point is made already.
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green; .................I can see all those tech-types on their clown bikes!
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow; ...................Silicone Valley in some outward ways does display a juvenile mien, and manner.
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red;
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,................I'm not sure where we are here, but I have never visited....so
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity: ........Just my opinion but I would suggest 'chromatic fantasy' might be more apt.
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy.............. Yes, you get to the 'fantasy' aspect here. Maybe devolpoe the fantasy theme here and then end poem.
This is to say it like I see it, or not.
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
I live in Ohio and feel very far away from the setting of this poem. Of course this is not the poets fault. I do think though that you place too great an expectation of recognition on the general reader. That is where I think you should focus your attention on the new edit. Lead the reader into the scene and locality in a more inclusive way.
[/quote]
Very promising response - looking forward to the edited version (check the help threads for how to add your edited version to the top post while preserving previous version(s) hidden but available). You may, of course, use the rewritten lines... or, better, improve on them.
On the closing stanza(s)... your reasons for adding it are well explained, but beware of a tendency to summarize, carried over from prose (especially lesson plans and other presentations). I'm particularly prone to this, and generally have to lop off a concluding stanza from first drafts when critics point out tht it adds nothing new and the body of the work is quite able to stand on its own.
One other thing: neither critic (so far) has pointed to it, but this site is generally hostile to capitalizing the first word of each line (unless punctuation requires it, i.e. it's the start of a new sentence). I didn't notice because I don't feel it's particularly imporant (and revere tradition anyway), but just to let you know that the practice is discommended here as archaic.
A cloud-wisped sky of celestial to tiffany,
thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote,
the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea,
surround a grassy isle of myrtle to moss,
brimming with a colony of pelicans−
each one achromatic white:
indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as twinkling stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly l@llipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a private perspective,
desire, fantasy.
Here's my first crack at a revision, which I hope does at least some justice to the thoughtful comments of dukealien and sparkydashforth. Please don't hesitate to send me back to the drawing board, if need be.
A couple notes: I poetically prefer 'distant stars' over 'twinkling stars' (I know, mercilessly "cliche," to anticipate a favorite word of one frequent poster here), but I'm trying out twinkling, if only because I don't want 'distance in space' to matter too much; twinkling is gently upbeat--like sunshine and clear night. Regarding that @, just trying it out--it is 'swirly', like the lollipops, and it signals sharply, in the first line of the new stanza, a shift to the new google context (as if 'giant swirly lollipops' wasn't enough). Finally, the odd--singular, contrastive, vivid--form of the second stanza/palette is not an accident :-); the enjambments, at least for me, also improve (a little) the rhythm of otherwise roughgoing lines.
(12-07-2016, 12:09 PM)Mahjong Wrote: Two Silicon Valley Color Palettes could title be simplified - "Silicon Valley Palettes" - which flows a bit better IMHO? "Two" and "Color" are implied
A cloud-wisped sky of celestial to tiffany,
thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote,
the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea,
surround a grassy isle of myrtle to moss,
brimming with a colony of pelicans−
each one achromatic white:
indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as twinkling stars, sunlight, clear night. "pulsing" for "twinkling?"
Giant swirly l@llipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a private perspective,
desire, fantasy.
Nice revision (see p.s. on posting edits). Substantially clearer and reads better; also has (to me) a melting, soft-focus quality the original version lacked, appropriate to the subject.
In the first four lines, I find myself slurring each color range phrase as if it were a hyphenated word: "myrtle-to-moss" for example. If this is the intent, you could actually add hyphens as a hint to readers. (Maybe also replace "of" there with a comma or colon.) Just a thought.
"[L]@llipops" is OK, but you might restrain your typographic artistry a bit - line everything up on the left margin and I'll bet you find it reads just as well. On that note, do read it aloud or - better - get someone else to read it aloud to you. Best way to find infelicities of rhythm, of which you still have a few IMHO.
The state of the art in posting edits here, at the moment, is to open your original/top post in the thread for full edit, then type or paste the latest revision at the top of the edit window this creates. Change the title (in a box at the top) to indicate a new edit (for example, "Two Silicon Valley Color Palettes - Edit1"), then go to the top of the older version and type pre verse; next, go to the very end/bottom and type /pre verse. (Just like the "quote" tags, but note the space between "pre" and "verse.") This will hide previous versions but allow readers to click on a "Previous Versions" button to view them for comparison.
Your title suggestion is so much sharper--definitely a keeper (my bad on the redundancies).
Pulsing is perfect. BTW, I opted out of 'full' only because it seems too closely bound to the temporal aspect (ie, 'all night'), which I don't think you had in mind.
Hyphens for the color ranges are also great; this I had considered and balked at for no compelling reason (I think I didn't want to tip the cards so definitively to color ranges and/or clutter the lines with punctuation). I'll try it without the "of" in each instance--I think I'll come around more quickly to the added pauses than to the visual aspect of so many added punctuation marks.
I'm also going to think hard about the following format, which right now pinches a little (possibly a pang from a problem other than the graphics?):
Giant swirly l@llipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−
blue, green, red, yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a perspective, desire, fantasy.
I will also continue to work with the rhythm--please feel free to pass along any infelicities that you've found. If I were to scan each line for beats would I be getting warmer in finding the infelicities?
Thank you as well for passing along the edit-posting protocol--it definitely belongs to the 2nd palette, but I will give it a go.
I'll be focusing more on image and meaning than on meter in this critique. Anyways:
(12-06-2016, 12:39 AM)Mahjong Wrote: Silicon Valley Palettes
A cloud-wisped sky of celestial-to-tiffany,
thistle and foothills of sienna-to-coyote,
the shimmering Bay of viridian-to-sea,
surround a grassy myrtle-to-moss isle,
brimming with a colony of aquatic pelicans−
each one achromatic white:
indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
This poem's biggest problem is that it is not concise. By that I mean that there are a lot of synonyms used in proximity, and a number of words or lines that take up space (and perhaps fulfill a rhythmic function) without substantially developing the imagery. What does "of celestial-to-tiffany" add to "a cloud-wisped sky?" Does "viridian-to-sea" enhance the image of "a shimmering bay?" I feel like this poem is trying too hard to fulfill the expectation set up by its title--most of the descriptions are descriptions of color, rather than specific images drawn from these places. The first four lines are the poetic equivalent of painting a landscape based on a Google Earth screenshot.
The pelicans offer a nice contrast to the preceding lines, and to me they are the 'reallest' image in the poem. However, the subsequent descriptions of the birds are repetitive. "Achromatic" "white" "indistinct" "impartial" and "colorless" all mean the exact same thing in this context, and while that does feel intentional it is not the sort of decision that gives the image depth or a sense of reality. A reader is not rewarded for rereading this or closely examining the choice of words. The final line makes no sense at all, and even if it did it would not add anything interesting to the image it applies to.
(12-08-2016, 01:05 AM)Mahjong Wrote: Giant swirly l@llipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−
blue, green, red, yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a perspective, desire, fantasy.
This version is better than the version above because the typographic experimentation does not contribute anything to the depth of the poem. Like the repeated 'white-words' of the previous stanza it serves to reinforce an idea by repeating it, rather than substantiating upon it. I dislike the @ for the same reason. In both of the stanzas there is an issue with perspective, and that is very apparent here. "Giant swirly l@llipops,/ clownish cruiser bicycles" are both strong images, and they place the speaker at street-level, possibly looking through a window at the lollipops. However, "M&M top umbrellas" and "squat/ specular architecture over a/ sprawling synthetic archipelago" suggest that the speaker has a bird's-eye view of the scene. Again, this seems like it might be intentional, but it is too detached (not in the basho way) from experience/observation to be emotionally resonant.
This stanza also has an issue with redundant word choice, this time in the form of words which mean 'colorful.' These words are particularly jarring because they are unrealistic. Light passing through colored fabric does not create such vivid color, and I have a tough time imagining such striking reflections as are described, even in windows and on the rain-drenched street. I guess the 'point' of the poem is to contrast the imaginative minds of children with the bleak and repetitive pelicans, who perhaps represent adulthood or society? Regardless, I think that the 'kids are rainbows' image is drawn from cliche more than observation.
In hindsight, this critique is harsh, but I think I would otherwise be doing this poem a disservice.
(12-06-2016, 12:39 AM)Mahjong Wrote: Silicon Valley Palettes Hi mahj, I come late to this but am pleased that you ARE workshopping it. First thoughts, though, are that it is more "shopping" than "workshopping" in that you have almost created a shopping list of adjectives loosely and patently connected by an analogous palette....that's fine as your title gives one to expect what is in the tin. The real issue, though, is how to introduce poetry in to the tome. It is not enough to use wordiness, especially jargon, as an attribute. You really need to draw a picture, paint a picture even, that the reader sees in the mind. To some extent I can see that you KNOW that this is true, and to a lesser extent you really are trying to pull it off; perhaps trying too hard?
My advice, and that is all it is, would be to get completely rid of the hyphens and use words to subtly meld the colour ranges, rather as you would ACTUALLY do when mixing on a palette, by smooth and velvety sonics. The hyphens digitise the process by making everything sound chopped and bitty...more analogue in the dialogue, please. A line-by-line (see what I mean?) would not help at this stage as you are probably quite well aware of what I am trying to say, albeit clumsily.
This is a very nice idea, not entirely new so watch out for unforced cliches ("cloud -wisped" fools no one, nor does "pulsing stars"), and avoid errors by not stepping out of the romance in to the science;"achromatic white" is a nonsense on all levels which leads you in to all kinds of wordy porridge towards the end....and the end is slurry, I'm afraid.
A cloud-wisped sky of celestial-to-tiffany,
thistle and foothills of sienna-to-coyote,
the shimmering Bay of viridian-to-sea,
surround a grassy myrtle-to-moss isle,
brimming with a colony of aquatic pelicans−
each one achromatic white:
indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly l@llipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a private perspective,
desire, fantasy.
[pre verse
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy;
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss,
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless,
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night.
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red;
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy.
This is to say it like I see it, or not.
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
[/pre verse
A windy cirrus sky wisping
ice, celestial, sea;
the cold brackish Bay shimmering
azure, diamond, sage;
gird a saltgrass-fringed, pickleweedy isle,
harboring a peaceful colony of oceanic
pelicans−each one plumed achromatic
white: indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly lollipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a perspective, desire,
fantasy.
Continuing to improve, and welcome back. "Contrastive, vivid" strikes me as alliterative overkill - two consecutive vees are hard to pronounce (at least for me), but I love "speculative architecture."
You also have a bunch of other fine critics, have to read them before commenting further.
A windy cirrus sky wisping
ice, celestial, sea;
the cold brackish Bay shimmering
azure, diamond, sage;
gird a saltgrass-fringed, pickleweedy isle,
harboring a peaceful colony of oceanic
pelicans−each one plumed achromatic
white: impartial, sympathetic, pure,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly lollipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−
blue, green, red, yellow−
bound glaringly off squat specular architecture
over a sprawling synthetic archipelago,
cloaking in fulgent rainbows kaleidoscopic
kids−each one a fractal of chromatic
intensity: particular, contrastive, spectral,
as an impulse, desire, fantasy.
***
I've dispensed with the experimental form of the 2nd stanza. Regarding the very helpful comments of tectak and amaril: I'm afraid the 'shopping list' is still there, but I have tried in places to replace synonyms with terms that add newer meaning. [T]ectak's comment about the need to introduce poetry into the "tome" is poignant. I'm trying to convey a meaningful convergence between science (chromatics), ethnography (pickleweed, specular architecture, lollipops, etc), and symbolics (impartial, sympathetic, contrastive, etc) in. I may have to let go of something in order to salvage a semblance of poetry.
I Mahjong! I've read through the comments on the last revision, but not the first two since the versions are pretty different than this one. So, just bear that in mind.
(12-06-2016, 12:39 AM)Mahjong Wrote: [b]
[/b] Silicon Valley Palettes
A windy cirrus sky wisping
ice, celestial, sea; there's ice in the sky? The sky is a sea? I can see that it's a sea, being a big blue expanse, but ice confuses me, and this poem seems to be describing a daytime scene, so celestial is also odd in that you wouldn't be able to see the stars in the daytime
the cold brackish Bay shimmering
azure, diamond, sage;
gird a saltgrass-fringed, pickleweedy isle, -- pickleweedy makes me smile. It's a delightful word and unexpected.
harboring a peaceful colony of oceanic -- peaceful is a vague word like lovely or beautiful
pelicans−each one plumed achromatic
white: impartial, sympathetic, pure, -- impartial to what? Pelicans don't have opinions? Everything has a need or desire for something. How do you see that they are sympathetic? Nurturing their young perhaps? I'd show how and where you see that manifesting. Pure is another vague word, and it's overused. I like the next phrase, but choose something more precise than pure.
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly lollipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−
blue, green, red, yellow− I love these last 4 lines -- the best part of the poem for me. Full of life and vibrant.
bound glaringly off squat specular architecture -- bound glaringly makes no sense to me. I think it's glaringly that's off for me, because that makes the scene gaudy and overstimulating. Perhaps it is, but you seem to be trying to convey beauty in this piece.
over a sprawling synthetic archipelago, -- like this line; synthetic goes well with silicon
cloaking in fulgent rainbows kaleidoscopic -- cloaking seems like the wrong tense. Cloaked?
kids−each one a fractal of chromatic
intensity: particular, contrastive, spectral,
as an impulse, desire, fantasy. -- by this point, the repeated pattern of three adjectives is starting to bother me. I know what's coming, but not in a good way. It's too predictable, but, unlike a refrain, it's slightly different every time, so I don't get that pleasant feeling of continuity throughout the piece. So, I don't think that the repetition of that structure is working. And the last three words don't seem to have anything to do with the visual scene like the rest of the poem does. They seem out of place.
Overall, I agree with tectak that it does seem like you're trying too hard to make it beautiful. And there's too many individual scenes which could be treated in more depth separately. The pelicans can be their own poem, the umbrellas can be their own, etc. You could link them as a series of poems with your title that pulls it all together, if you like, to set up the context.
You have great stuff in here, but it needs to be properly fleshed out. There's little in the way of simile or metaphor, it's just straight description. If you want to keep it as little descriptive scenes, I would break it up into a series of haiku, which are usually observation based.
That's my take on it. I hope you keep working on it because you'll get there.
Cheers.
[b]
[/b]
[b]Silicon Valley Palettes
[/b]
A windy cirrus sky wisping
ice, celestial, sea;
the cold brackish Bay shimmering
azure, diamond, sage;
gird a saltgrass-fringed, pickleweedy isle,
harboring a peaceful colony of oceanic
pelicans−each one plumed achromatic
white: indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly lollipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a perspective, desire,
fantasy.
I've just returned home from 12 days in China, during which I had hoped to keep this workshop session moving along. However, the Great Firewall has deemed 'pigpenpoetry.com' a 'Forbidden' site (perhaps the 'colorful' language found therein?). I decided to avoid the hassle of finding a VPN and therefore had no access to this site during my stay, hence my belated revision.
For the same reason, I have only just read the comments by ameril and tectak, for which I am much obliged. I will think about them further and consider them in future revisions. For now, a few comments: The crux of the criticism in both comments, as I see it, is that the poem is unnecessarily wordy. My latest revision, in most instances, would still be guilty on this score, I suppose. I did remove the 'dashes' in the first few lines, where the stacked 'colors' are supposed to suggest something like the palette for the respective image. The 'colors' deliberately range and blend; are non-primary, softish, and not vivid; and do (now) attempt to resonate meaningfully with the image and/or general environment (e.g., high cirrus clouds are comprised of ice crystals, while ice is generally colorless or can be associated with 'ice blue'; diamond is perhaps the only exception in this regard, but the shimmering Bay sure does glimmer in sunlight like a sea of diamonds, which again are generally considered colorless--and I like it with 'cold' and for the rhythm, when pronounced with two syllables /.--that palette reads: /././). Also, the sky and Bay are supposed to meld--hence, 'sea' on the palette in line one and 'azure' (nearly a synonym for sky) on line two's palette--and perhaps refract indistinctly the 'colors' of each other and the general topography--hence, 'sage'[brush] is ubiquitous and a pretty good representative of the color of most other scrub, brush, and marsh grasses in the area (e.g., the saltgrass, a slightly darker green, and the very soft pickleweed in line five), beyond describing the soft 'green' hue of the Bay water (at times, in places, and from certain angles).
Regarding 'achromatic' and 'chromatic': the scienctific reference is deliberate. I was inspired to write the poem in part by a correspondence that struck me between the science (and my scientific understanding is simple, to be sure) and the philosophy/psychology of color (s). Achromatic (white) refers to the refraction of light without color separation; white, for example, stimulates the three types of color sensitive cone cells almost 'equally'--hence, 'indistinct, impartial, colorless' (I do believe it is an overstatement to say that these three words mean "exactly" the same thing; they are indeed close, but in different contexts they become differently nuanced and the point here is to enable, if not 'push', contextual reference outside that which the poem takes up more specifically). There is sharp color separation and 'unequal' stimulation with the chromatic colors; hence, "singular, contrastive, vivid." Ditto regarding meaning and context. The closing triune of terms in each stanza aims to 'push' wider contextual associations and implications.
The stanzas (each one a palette of palettes) are obviously intended meaningfully to contrast; I've carried the contrast into the visual form of each stanza. But I will think more about this experimentation.
Regarding perspective: the giant lollipops are indeed outside, just like the bicycles and umbrellas (I've never been inside the googleplex, though I've seen pictures and the movie). In my first draft, I placed lollipop inside single quotation marks because here it stands for any number of giant puerile props peppering the sprawling googleplex grounds, including a chocolate covered donut with rainbow flecks, monsters of some sort, an ice cream sundae, a ginger bread boy, etc. All our outside for anyone to see. No need for a bird's-eye view either. A walk through will do. Do keep in mind that the spatial scope here is open and expansive and squat, and deliberately designed so; you almost do feel like you have a bird's-eye view of the place from ground level.
[pre verse]
Silicon Valley Palettes
A cloud-wisped sky of celestial-to-tiffany,
thistle and foothills of sienna-to-coyote,
the shimmering Bay of viridian-to-sea,
surround a grassy myrtle-to-moss isle,
brimming with a colony of aquatic pelicans−
each one achromatic white:
indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly l@llipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a private perspective,
desire, fantasy.
[pre verse
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy;
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss,
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless,
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night.
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red;
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy.
This is to say it like I see it, or not.
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
[/pre verse
Thanks so much for your helpful comments, Armadillo. I'm still thinking about the poem, though I'm in a very busy work stretch right now, so I won't get around to revising--or reconceiving---for a few weeks.
Some reactions to your comments:
Yes, there's ice in the sky: cirrus clouds are always composed of ice crystals. And ice is a color shade of blue (ice blue).
In my organic conception here, the sky reflects the sea and vice versa (the next line). FWIW, from _Cannery Row_:"...and the Row has taken the shimmer of the green world and the sky-reflecting seas." And 'sea' is a color shade of green and also of blue, and both are apropos to SF Bay.
It's interesting to me that, to you, celestial indexes a star-flecked nighttime sky. To me, celestial means simply sky and, extending outwards, physical universe and divine heavens (including gods or angels). It can also mean 'supremely good', which works very nicely for the meanings I wish to smuggle in here. It happens also to be a color shade of blue: celestial blue; if it were not, I c/would not use it here. But I am not married to celestial...still working on it.
'Impartial' is an association I (again) smuggle to the pelicans from the technical meaning of 'achromatic white'--see my reply to tectak. 'Sympathetic', for me here, means 'a pathos of similitude' (do you know that meaning?)--the (American white) pelicans literally all look alike (to me, a mere human). I smuggle (again) to the pelicans, which co-exist seemingly peacefully on the small and densely packed isle, all the extended meanings of 'sympathy'. See the symbolism of the pelican--selfless, self-sacrificing (they pierce their own flesh to draw blood with which to feed their young when food is in short supply), etc. 'Pure' is what is achromatic white, which I felt might, in the light of 'impartial' and 'sympathetic' and 'pulsing stars' and 'sunlight' and 'clear night', vindicate my choice of an otherwise hackneyed word--sometimes a cigar...(but maybe not).
Ah, Beauty (note the cap accorded to it by Western metaphysics). This invocation of yours is most helpful. Imagine an Italian trying to write a poem that steers clear of Beauty? I see I've not fooled you. I suppose I do intend a certain sense of Beauty to emanate from the first stanza/palette, but only insofar as 'nature' might permit. I'm nothing but melancholy over the possibility that my second stanza/palette might intimate a sense of beauty (even with a small 'b'). Please do run with gaudy and overstimulating, as that's much closer to what I have in mind! But I would want you to 'think' it further too, perhaps by researching (if you might care to) the technical distinction between achromatic and chromatic (I wish I had a dollar for every minute I've spent investigating the layered meanings of words/phrases I've encountered in poems, but that's just me).
I used to like my repetition of structure, but that might be because my intention was to perpetrate a repetition of structure without a repetition of meaning--soft color shades (grounded in natural phenomena) give way to man-made rainbows (manufactured of stark primary colors). Hence, 'impulse, desire, fantasy' deliberately have nothing to do with (natural) descriptive scenes (I have both succeeded and failed, it seems). I'm beginning to think that, if you are a millennial, 'man-made rainbows' might be contemporary comfort food (google decided that this would be true when you were born, which is why they are now rolling in the $$).
Many thanks again,
mahjong
[b]
[/b] Silicon Valley Palettes
A windy cirrus sky wisping
ice, celestial, sea; there's ice in the sky? The sky is a sea? I can see that it's a sea, being a big blue expanse, but ice confuses me, and this poem seems to be describing a daytime scene, so celestial is also odd in that you wouldn't be able to see the stars in the daytime
the cold brackish Bay shimmering
azure, diamond, sage;
gird a saltgrass-fringed, pickleweedy isle, -- pickleweedy makes me smile. It's a delightful word and unexpected.
harboring a peaceful colony of oceanic -- peaceful is a vague word like lovely or beautiful
pelicans−each one plumed achromatic
white: impartial, sympathetic, pure, -- impartial to what? Pelicans don't have opinions? Everything has a need or desire for something. How do you see that they are sympathetic? Nurturing their young perhaps? I'd show how and where you see that manifesting. Pure is another vague word, and it's overused. I like the next phrase, but choose something more precise than pure.
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly lollipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−
blue, green, red, yellow− I love these last 4 lines -- the best part of the poem for me. Full of life and vibrant.
bound glaringly off squat specular architecture -- bound glaringly makes no sense to me. I think it's glaringly that's off for me, because that makes the scene gaudy and overstimulating. Perhaps it is, but you seem to be trying to convey beauty in this piece.
over a sprawling synthetic archipelago, -- like this line; synthetic goes well with silicon
cloaking in fulgent rainbows kaleidoscopic -- cloaking seems like the wrong tense. Cloaked?
kids−each one a fractal of chromatic
intensity: particular, contrastive, spectral,
as an impulse, desire, fantasy. -- by this point, the repeated pattern of three adjectives is starting to bother me. I know what's coming, but not in a good way. It's too predictable, but, unlike a refrain, it's slightly different every time, so I don't get that pleasant feeling of continuity throughout the piece. So, I don't think that the repetition of that structure is working. And the last three words don't seem to have anything to do with the visual scene like the rest of the poem does. They seem out of place.
Overall, I agree with tectak that it does seem like you're trying too hard to make it beautiful. And there's too many individual scenes which could be treated in more depth separately. The pelicans can be their own poem, the umbrellas can be their own, etc. You could link them as a series of poems with your title that pulls it all together, if you like, to set up the context.
You have great stuff in here, but it needs to be properly fleshed out. There's little in the way of simile or metaphor, it's just straight description. If you want to keep it as little descriptive scenes, I would break it up into a series of haiku, which are usually observation based.
That's my take on it. I hope you keep working on it because you'll get there.
Cheers.
[b]
[/b]
[b]Silicon Valley Palettes
[/b]
A windy cirrus sky wisping
ice, celestial, sea;
the cold brackish Bay shimmering
azure, diamond, sage;
gird a saltgrass-fringed, pickleweedy isle,
harboring a peaceful colony of oceanic
pelicans−each one plumed achromatic
white: indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly lollipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a perspective, desire,
fantasy.
I've just returned home from 12 days in China, during which I had hoped to keep this workshop session moving along. However, the Great Firewall has deemed 'pigpenpoetry.com' a 'Forbidden' site (perhaps the 'colorful' language found therein?). I decided to avoid the hassle of finding a VPN and therefore had no access to this site during my stay, hence my belated revision.
For the same reason, I have only just read the comments by ameril and tectak, for which I am much obliged. I will think about them further and consider them in future revisions. For now, a few comments: The crux of the criticism in both comments, as I see it, is that the poem is unnecessarily wordy. My latest revision, in most instances, would still be guilty on this score, I suppose. I did remove the 'dashes' in the first few lines, where the stacked 'colors' are supposed to suggest something like the palette for the respective image. The 'colors' deliberately range and blend; are non-primary, softish, and not vivid; and do (now) attempt to resonate meaningfully with the image and/or general environment (e.g., high cirrus clouds are comprised of ice crystals, while ice is generally colorless or can be associated with 'ice blue'; diamond is perhaps the only exception in this regard, but the shimmering Bay sure does glimmer in sunlight like a sea of diamonds, which again are generally considered colorless--and I like it with 'cold' and for the rhythm, when pronounced with two syllables /.--that palette reads: /././). Also, the sky and Bay are supposed to meld--hence, 'sea' on the palette in line one and 'azure' (nearly a synonym for sky) on line two's palette--and perhaps refract indistinctly the 'colors' of each other and the general topography--hence, 'sage'[brush] is ubiquitous and a pretty good representative of the color of most other scrub, brush, and marsh grasses in the area (e.g., the saltgrass, a slightly darker green, and the very soft pickleweed in line five), beyond describing the soft 'green' hue of the Bay water (at times, in places, and from certain angles).
Regarding 'achromatic' and 'chromatic': the scienctific reference is deliberate. I was inspired to write the poem in part by a correspondence that struck me between the science (and my scientific understanding is simple, to be sure) and the philosophy/psychology of color (s). Achromatic (white) refers to the refraction of light without color separation; white, for example, stimulates the three types of color sensitive cone cells almost 'equally'--hence, 'indistinct, impartial, colorless' (I do believe it is an overstatement to say that these three words mean "exactly" the same thing; they are indeed close, but in different contexts they become differently nuanced and the point here is to enable, if not 'push', contextual reference outside that which the poem takes up more specifically). There is sharp color separation and 'unequal' stimulation with the chromatic colors; hence, "singular, contrastive, vivid." Ditto regarding meaning and context. The closing triune of terms in each stanza aims to 'push' wider contextual associations and implications.
The stanzas (each one a palette of palettes) are obviously intended meaningfully to contrast; I've carried the contrast into the visual form of each stanza. But I will think more about this experimentation.
Regarding perspective: the giant lollipops are indeed outside, just like the bicycles and umbrellas (I've never been inside the googleplex, though I've seen pictures and the movie). In my first draft, I placed lollipop inside single quotation marks because here it stands for any number of giant puerile props peppering the sprawling googleplex grounds, including a chocolate covered donut with rainbow flecks, monsters of some sort, an ice cream sundae, a ginger bread boy, etc. All our outside for anyone to see. No need for a bird's-eye view either. A walk through will do. Do keep in mind that the spatial scope here is open and expansive and squat, and deliberately designed so; you almost do feel like you have a bird's-eye view of the place from ground level.
[pre verse]
Silicon Valley Palettes
A cloud-wisped sky of celestial-to-tiffany,
thistle and foothills of sienna-to-coyote,
the shimmering Bay of viridian-to-sea,
surround a grassy myrtle-to-moss isle,
brimming with a colony of aquatic pelicans−
each one achromatic white:
indistinct, impartial, colorless,
as pulsing stars, sunlight, clear night.
Giant swirly l@llipops,
clownish cruiser bicycles,
M&M-top umbrellas−blue
green
red
yellow−
bound glaringly off squat
specular architecture over a
sprawling synthetic archipelago,
raining warm rainbows on
kaleidoscopic kids−each one a
fractal of chromatic intensity:
singular, contrastive, vivid,
as a private perspective,
desire, fantasy.
[pre verse
A Silicon Valley Color Scheme; Or a Sop to Goethe
Under the cloud-wisped sky of celestial to Jordy;
Between the thistle and foothills of sienna to coyote;
Upon the shimmering Bay of viridian to sea;
There floats a grassy islet of myrtle to moss,
Brimming with a colony of pelicans--each one
Achromatic white:
Indistinct, impartial, and colorless,
Just like the stars, sunlight, and dark night.
Clownish cruiser bicycles−yellow, blue, green;
M&M-top umbrellas−blue, red, yellow;
Giant swirly lollipops−green, yellow, red;
Rainbow optics ornamenting
The sprawling archipelago of specular architecture,
Reflecting gayly the ceaseless swarm of kaleidoscopic
Kids−each one a fractal of chromatic intensity:
Singular, contrastive, and vivid,
Just like a perspective, a desire, or a fantasy.
This is to say it like I see it, or not.
But what am I to make of it?
Pelicans
Can't
Hide
Behind
Achromatic
White.
[/pre verse
which leads you in to all kinds of wordy porridge towards the end....and the end is slurry, I'm afraid.