Later, still in love and a little drunk

[just mercedes]

I walk your old neighbourhood.
A child skips towards the station
singing under her breath.
Buds swell on bare branches.
 
Over layers of fact, no matter
what shadows live at the back
of flesh, this place once held you.
Your body belonged here, your face.
 
 



("I hope to arrive to my death, late, in love and a little drunk."  -Atticus)

[Leanne]

The first stanza sings of innocence, of beginnings, and indeed was the beginning for the object of love -- but the innocence is gone in S2, replaced by a desperate need to make the best of a situation that reeks of despair. Whether it is mistreatment or death is not clear but the outcome is similar. What was is not what is.

I find this delightful in its sparsity.

[just mercedes]

Thanks Leanne. I was sort of riffing off Pound's 'In a station of the Metro' as the skeleton for this.

[Leanne]

There is a kind of naked sonnet feel to it, with a very strong volta -- though it's not quite as naked as Pound's

[just mercedes]

He was a much better poet.

[Leanne]

Or maybe he didn't have a lot of paper available...

[just mercedes]

Or maybe he didn't have a lot of paper available...

 Written in 1913, when he chopped lots off TS Eliot's poems. Lack of paper may have been a problem, pre/during WWI. I'd actually never put those two facts together before. Thank you, you're always opening up portals for me with your comments.

Wild looking dude - this was him, 1913

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/c...ound_2.jpg

[Leanne]

He looks like a disheveled D'Artagnan.

[RiverNotch]

I walk your old neighbourhood.
A child skips towards the station
singing under her breath.
Buds swell on bare branches.
 
Over layers of fact, no matter
what shadows live at the back
of flesh, this place once held you.
Your body belonged here, your face.
 
 



("I hope to arrive to my death, late, in love and a little drunk."  -Atticus)

I first read this, and I was captured. Revisiting, and still captured. Don't really have much of substance to add, other than I only wish I could write something this pure.

[Achebe]

Something similar to what RN said - when it was first posted, I didn't like it too much.
The last line reads differently now because I'm not looking to "add value" anymore, and I love it.
L4 is exquisite.

[just mercedes]

Thanks RN, Achebe.

[Sparkydashforth]

I like this, but I would like it more if it were less.

I walk your old neighbourhood.
A child skips towards the station
singing under her breath.......................These lines say it, the next line belabors the innocent/Spring image.
Buds swell on bare branches...................blah
 
Over layers of fact, no matter
what shadows live at the back
of flesh, this place once held you...............Yes you capture the mood.
Your body belonged here, your face................Blah

Distil this into a 6 line poem and you will have something beyond blah.

 
 



("I hope to arrive to my death, late, in love and a little drunk."  -Atticus)

[kk311412]

This is very powerful! However choosing more powerful language in the second stanza would add to it's substance. Very nicely written.

[just mercedes]

Thanks for your thoughts, Sparky, kk311412,