Akathisia

[Mark Cecil]

Akathisia

Antipsychotics
Have reduced me to
A wraith of myself
Now hobbling about
Around and around

I have Hermes’ shoes
I keep on flying
No time for stopping
All day on this ward
Around and around

My legs can't cease like
Hephaestus'
Great automatons
Locked in their cycle
Around and around

I’m now a fixture
To staff and patients
Who stare at my gait
As the clock hands tick
Around and around

Can I escape this?
Will I get better?
Or am I stuck here
In this trance, going
Around and around

Akathisia (first edition)

Antipsychotics
Have reduced me to
a wraith of myself
Now hobbling about
Around and around

I have Hermes’ feet
For I never stop
I keep on strolling
On this ward all day
Around and around

I cannot stop myself
My legs do not cease
Like a steam train’s rod
Locked in its cycle
Around and around

I’m now a fixture
To staff and patients
Who glare at my gait
As the clock ticks by
Around and around

Can I escape this?
Will I get better?
Or I’m I stuck here
In first gear, going:
Around and around

[RiverNotch]

This feels like it was written under actual duress. The first thing I thought with the title was not the condition, but the Orthodox liturgical hymn (which, sure, is Akathist rather than Akathisia, but they do have the same origins). This reads a bit like a proper hymn (a bit, and I can't really be sure to what extent, as so far I am unfamiliar with their songs), such that to change the title to Akathist would be advantageous, I think.
Antipsychotics And with the Greek notes later, I'm sure there's an antipsychotic out there with a sufficiently Greek name for this.
Have reduced me to
a wraith of myself Capital A.
Now hobbling about
Around and around 

I have Hermes’ feet
For I never stop
I keep on strolling I would prefer flying, if it were Hermes --- or Io's feet, if the speaker never stops.
On this ward all day On or down?
Around and around

I cannot stop myself Would prefer a bit of circularity -- "For I never stop" again.
My legs do not cease And then replace "do" with "can", here.
Like a steam train’s rod 
Locked in its cycle Although the image here doesn't feel as harmonious, considering the Greek title and the earlier Greek reference. I feel like something more, well, Greek is in order, perhaps "Like Vulcan's automaton / Locked in its cycle"
Around and around

I’m now a fixture
To staff and patients
Who glare at my gait The internal alliteration here sounds a little too smooth for everything else.
As the clock ticks by
Around and around As in, the clock goes around and around? Maybe focus more on the hands on the clock, rather than the clock itself, for this to work.

Can I escape this?
Will I get better? I feel again something more circular for this would be better -- "Can I escape this? / Can I escape?" -- although that feels more personal-stylistic than anything else.
Or I’m I stuck here "Or am I stuck here"
In first gear, going: The colon here interrupts. The question marks are excusable, they're key to the reading, but the colon here at the end highlights too well the lack of punctuation (plus, I'm not sure the statement even demands it).
Around and around
Fair enough. Requires a bit of polish -- possibly a bit of cutting, even, though I haven't the time to even so think, at the moment -- to be a proper jewel.

[rayheinrich]

I'd take out that "Around and around" at the end of each stanza.
The content is sufficient to form the rhythm, that repeated phrase detracts.

[Mark Cecil]

I've made a few changes as suggested. I'm still not sure whether I'm going to change the title to Akathist as my intention was never to write as a hymn but the fact each line has five syllabiles might give the poem a feel that it is a hymn. I thought about putting in the Greek word for antipsychotics at the start but I thought it was too long. In regards to the "around and around" at the end of each stanza although I'm not totally happy with it I think the poem lacks something without it. I think it works well in the last stanza but it perhaps isn't needed in the others but I want to have each stanza have five lines each so I think I might keep it for now until I think of something better.

Thanks for your feedback it is much appreciated.

[Brownlie]

Hey, this is a great description of this phenomenon. Took anti psychotics a while back because I was such a dumb ass people thought I was schizophrenic. Stuff makes you trapped in your skin. Fuck that shit.

[Krakus]

Your revision to use "Hephaestus" instead of "a steam trains trod" was a good move. It rhymes with "Staff and patients in the next verse, and feels like a great fit instead of the alliteration of "train" and "trod. Rayheinrich suggested taking out the "around and around". I'd agree, that it was irritating, but I don't think it should be taken out. For me, it broke up the poem enough to make it edgy instead of moody, and gave it a feeling of OCD.

The alliteration between "glare and gait" is a bit odd, as RiverNotch stated. I'm not sure about that one though. It didn't really catch my attention until I'd read it a few times.

[CRNDLSM]

What about instead of 'around and around' each time you say something different and equivalent, like 'endless circles', 'always revolving', something different each time

[rayheinrich]

What about instead of 'around and around' each time you say something different and equivalent, like 'endless circles', 'always revolving', something different each time

While this could easily jump off the cliff of cuteness; if done properly, it's a great idea.
(This said, my earlier suggestion fits my brain better -- oh, wait, it ain't my poem, it's yours. Go for it, dude.)

[vagabond]

another comment regarding the "around and around": i think it reads like a mantra... the subject focussing on his body, although not by his own volition and without a means to resist.

in your poem the chemical straitjacket is cruelly observed and described.