Wings

[nikkisto]

Edit 2: I decided to go back to the original and rework the poem as one, I think this represents more of what I was aiming at. Thanks for all the feedback and comments, I'm eager to hear what you all think of the rewrite!


Wings

You were there, I heard you.
Subtle and soft at my back,
branches barren as I dared to glimpse.

Creeping into the corners of my life,
a cooling doubt on my days
never fully formed, you'd spy.

Now you've come to the light.
Your glistening feathers seen by all.
You are the crow come to make claim and you seek shadows no more.

In me though, you find something new.
You will not take me in a fight;
I go on my own, with choice.

You may carry me home,
but I will take you with me first
through what remains of this fragile life.

I do not mind the scars you will bring, 
the beating of your wings or 
the cackle at my back as you sing.

This life is mine before yours.
I will carry you on my shoulder
and show you the hope even you cannot cease.

We will go together one day,
carried gently and softly away
by the drum beat of your outstretched wings.




Original: Wings

You were there, I heard you,
Subtle and soft at my back,
Leaving the branches barren just as I dare to glimpse.

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life
Casting a cooling doubt on my days
But never fully realized, you'd sulk. 

And now you've come to the light,
your glistening feathers to be seen by all.
You are the crow come to make claim and you seek shadows no more.

But you find something new here.
You will not take me in a fight.
I go on my own, I go with choice.

You may carry me home,
But I will take you with me first
through what remains of this life.

I do not mind the scars you will bring
I do not mind the stolen glances you will earn
I do not mind the beating of your wings or the crackle at my back as you sing.

This life is mine, before yours, and I will live it.
I will carry you, as a friend, and show you the love and the light, 
and the hope that even your wings cannot stop.

And we will go together one day, 
not as captor, but guide
to be carried gently and softly away
By the stillness of your wings.

[ellajam]

You're well on your way here. I've got a bit more to say than is usual in Novice but I think you're up to it, If it's not too much for you let me know if you'd like it moved to Mild to encourage similar crit from others.

Wings

You were there, I heard you,
Subtle and soft at my back,
Leaving the branches barren just as I dare to glimpse.
The mix of tenses might sqeak by here but the read might be smoother with "dared".

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life
Casting a cooling doubt on my days
But never fully realized, you'd sulk.
This is a bit confused, maybe a comma after "life" with a lower case "casting", but I'm not clear on what is not realized, maybe change the "but".

And now you've come to the light, I would cut "and".
your glistening feathers to be seen by all. I think you could say "seen by all" in a more interesting way.
You are the crow come to make claim and you seek shadows no more. Strong."

But you find something new here.
You will not take me in a fight. Possibly a semicolon here.
I go on my own, I go with choice.

You may carry me home,
But I will take you with me first
through what remains of this life.

I do not mind the scars you will bring
I do not mind the stolen glances you will earn
I do not mind the beating of your wings or the crackle at my back as you sing.
This could use some punctuation, the last line is lovely, a winner.

This life is mine, before yours, and I will live it. Maybe no comma after "mine".
I will carry you, as a friend, and show you the love and the light,  Maybe no comma after "you".
and the hope that even your wings cannot stop.

And we will go together one day,
not as captor, but guide Because you have "we" above,  you may need to adress both roles here or say "you not as captor"or something similar.
to be carried gently and softly away
By the stillness of your wings.
This needs a tweak to make clear who being carried.

This is a lovely piece and my comments are just points for you to think about, I hope they help.

[nikkisto]

Thank you Ella, the comments are immensely helpful as always, id be fine it it were moved to another forum should you see fit. ? I re-read now with all the punctuation errors and cringe. Thank you for not skewering me for them, I will edit much more carefully next time. Thank you!

You're well on your way here. I've got a bit more to say than is usual in Novice but I think you're up to it, If it's not too much for you let me know if you'd like it moved to Mild to encourage similar crit from others.

Wings

You were there, I heard you,
Subtle and soft at my back,
Leaving the branches barren just as I dare to glimpse.
The mix of tenses might sqeak by here but the read might be smoother with "dared".

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life
Casting a cooling doubt on my days
But never fully realized, you'd sulk.
This is a bit confused, maybe a comma after "life" with a lower case "casting", but I'm not clear on what is not realized, maybe change the "but".

And now you've come to the light, I would cut "and".
your glistening feathers to be seen by all. I think you could say "seen by all" in a more interesting way.
You are the crow come to make claim and you seek shadows no more. Strong."

But you find something new here.
You will not take me in a fight. Possibly a semicolon here.
I go on my own, I go with choice.

You may carry me home,
But I will take you with me first
through what remains of this life.

I do not mind the scars you will bring
I do not mind the stolen glances you will earn
I do not mind the beating of your wings or the crackle at my back as you sing.
This could use some punctuation, the last line is lovely, a winner.

This life is mine, before yours, and I will live it. Maybe no comma after "mine".
I will carry you, as a friend, and show you the love and the light,  Maybe no comma after "you".
and the hope that even your wings cannot stop.

And we will go together one day,
not as captor, but guide Because you have "we" above,  you may need to adress both roles here or say "you not as captor"or something similar.
to be carried gently and softly away
By the stillness of your wings.
This needs a tweak to make clear who being carried.

This is a lovely piece and my comments are just points for you to think about, I hope they help.

[ellajam]

Moved to Mild to give you the benefit of the thoughtful critique our members can provide. I hope it's the level of crit you find useful, if not, the next one can stay in Novice.

[makeshift]

First epic, super harsh rewrite attempt:

You were there, I heard you. 

Subtle and soft at my back, Given how economical this poem is I could see ya ditching subtle or soft, as they're kinda meaning the same thing here, though I do like the alliteration

The branches left barren,

 just as I dare to glimpse. This stanza is probably my favorite in the poem, I dig the image/metaphor here, I imagine ghost leaves on a branch something real elusive, and the leaves are the wings, the branch the back. Its pretty.  Maybe omit just? 


You followed me, I felt you. I already "felt you" in the first stanza with "soft at my back"

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life,

casting a cooling shade on my days,  I appreciate how concrete this image is, even if it a little abstract

but stealing away at the edges of sight. Again, I think this sentiment is better expressed in your first stanza: branches left barren/just as I dare to glimpse


Now you’ve come to the light,

Glistening feathers to be seen by all.

You are the crow come to make claim  This is the first line were death comes into play, I'm not sure why but I was thinking of a guardian angle before this. I like the image of the crow.

and you seek shadows no more.

Well I think you may have cut too much! I appreciate the sparseness of the poem. I understand this poem as there being something elusive stalking the narrator and then in the finale stanza it appears. I could see the second stanza being cut all together, and some of the writting from your original being brought back in. As it stands it feels like it lacks much of a point? The original feels like its trying to convey more. I guess my suggestion would be to try to understand what each movement is working towards, then to express that with as much accuracy (show dont tell!) as possible before promptly moving on. I like the end of the original poem and think there is a nice ambiguity as to who is the guide. Hope that helps, and thanks for sharing!

[artjewl]

First epic, super harsh rewrite attempt:

You were there, I heard you.
Subtle and soft at my back,
The branches left barren,
 just as I dare to glimpse. -- consider "The branches barren, I dare to glimpse."

You followed me, I felt you.
Creeping into the smallest corners of my life, -- how does the shadow/shade image connect to "wings"? If it's the shade of the wings, clarify that.
casting a cooling shade on my days, 
but stealing away at the edges of sight. -- For me, "stealing away" does not bring to mind flight or wings, but a more grounded movement.

Now you’ve come to the light,
Glistening feathers to be seen by all.
You are the crow come to make claim 
and you seek shadows no more.

I agree with makeshift that it seems you may have cut too much. Do you still intend to call the piece "Wings"? If so, consider bringing that image/metaphor back into the piece more.

[nikkisto]

Makeshift, thank you so much for the feedback. I can appreciate each bite and see how it can help, maybe a blending can still make sense after all. And you spotted my soft spot for alliteration and repetition right off the bat. My two favorite techniques haha oddly subtly, my least used at times. Well noted!

First epic, super harsh rewrite attempt:

You were there, I heard you. 

Subtle and soft at my back, Given how economical this poem is I could see ya ditching subtle or soft, as they're kinda meaning the same thing here, though I do like the alliteration

The branches left barren,

 just as I dare to glimpse. This stanza is probably my favorite in the poem, I dig the image/metaphor here, I imagine ghost leaves on a branch something real elusive, and the leaves are the wings, the branch the back. Its pretty.  Maybe omit just? 


You followed me, I felt you. I already "felt you" in the first stanza with "soft at my back"

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life,

casting a cooling shade on my days,  I appreciate how concrete this image is, even if it a little abstract

but stealing away at the edges of sight. Again, I think this sentiment is better expressed in your first stanza: branches left barren/just as I dare to glimpse


Now you’ve come to the light,

Glistening feathers to be seen by all.

You are the crow come to make claim  This is the first line were death comes into play, I'm not sure why but I was thinking of a guardian angle before this. I like the image of the crow.

and you seek shadows no more.

Well I think you may have cut too much! I appreciate the sparseness of the poem. I understand this poem as there being something elusive stalking the narrator and then in the finale stanza it appears. I could see the second stanza being cut all together, and some of the writting from your original being brought back in. As it stands it feels like it lacks much of a point? The original feels like its trying to convey more. I guess my suggestion would be to try to understand what each movement is working towards, then to express that with as much accuracy (show dont tell!) as possible before promptly moving on. I like the end of the original poem and think there is a nice ambiguity as to who is the guide. Hope that helps, and thanks for sharing!

---

Art jewel, thanks for the feedback! I think you are right about the just, it does seem to get called as hitch by each reader. Some reworking there for sure. And the stealing away is a much more grounded reference, you're right. I think I have room there to work as well, good catch. As always, thanks for the notes. I will seek to apply them thoughtfully! 

First epic, super harsh rewrite attempt:

You were there, I heard you.
Subtle and soft at my back,
The branches left barren,
 just as I dare to glimpse. -- consider "The branches barren, I dare to glimpse."

You followed me, I felt you.
Creeping into the smallest corners of my life, -- how does the shadow/shade image connect to "wings"? If it's the shade of the wings, clarify that.
casting a cooling shade on my days, 
but stealing away at the edges of sight. -- For me, "stealing away" does not bring to mind flight or wings, but a more grounded movement.

Now you’ve come to the light,
Glistening feathers to be seen by all.
You are the crow come to make claim 
and you seek shadows no more.

I agree with makeshift that it seems you may have cut too much. Do you still intend to call the piece "Wings"? If so, consider bringing that image/metaphor back into the piece more.

[billy]

hi nikkisto. love the title and what you're aiming for through the poem. it almost lends itself to sonics of wings. i'll just leave feedback on the edit as i came late. one suggestion is to look out for redundancies. and another would be to cut what doesn't add anything go over the piece and see if you can better phrase anything; an example: there are 3 [ing] words in 3 lines, two of them could be changed. good effort.

First epic, super harsh rewrite attempt:

You were there, I heard you.

You were there, I heard you. is "i heard you needed?" as it's implied as the poem continues

Subtle and soft at my back, i love the textural feeling of soft in connection with a wing, but feel [subtle and] is redundant

The branches left barren, no need for [the] nice alliteration

just as I dare to glimpse. no need for [just]


You followed me, I felt you.

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life, a word suggestion would be crept so as to lose an odd [ing]

casting a cooling shade on my days,

but stealing away at the edges of sight.


Now you’ve come to the light,

Glistening feathers to be seen by all.

You are the crow come to make claim

and you seek shadows no more.

[CRNDLSM]

dont break it into two poems.  i liked the edited rewrite, but take it all the way.  leaving it, im thinking of trees and suddenly a bird.  the rest of the original explains almost why your focused on it.  the fights, the scars, the always there like inner criticism crows are super smart, but no! you will not be reduced to the paranoia from a creature tormenting you, you will walk together.  You will overcome. finish it as one so i can reread it again in its finished form!!

First epic, super harsh rewrite attempt:

You were there, I heard you.

Subtle and soft at my back,

The branches left barren,

 just as I dare to glimpse.


You followed me, I felt you.

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life,

casting a cooling shade on my days,

but stealing away at the edges of sight.


Now you’ve come to the light,

Glistening feathers to be seen by all.

You are the crow come to make claim

and you seek shadows no more.


**In this I'm toying with the idea of breaking the original into two distinct, but related pieces. Any thoughts on that? As usual, I posted without sitting with this long enough and found it much less than I had hoped. And any level of feedback and crit will be appreciated. Tear my down folks so I may rebuild anew

Original: Wings

You were there, I heard you,
Subtle and soft at my back,
Leaving the branches barren just as I dare to glimpse.

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life
Casting a cooling doubt on my days
But never fully realized, you'd sulk. 

And now you've come to the light,
your glistening feathers to be seen by all.
You are the crow come to make claim and you seek shadows no more.

But you find something new here.
You will not take me in a fight.
I go on my own, I go with choice.

You may carry me home,
But I will take you with me first
through what remains of this life.

I do not mind the scars you will bring
I do not mind the stolen glances you will earn
I do not mind the beating of your wings or the crackle at my back as you sing.

This life is mine, before yours, and I will live it.
I will carry you, as a friend, and show you the love and the light, 
and the hope that even your wings cannot stop.

And we will go together one day, 
not as captor, but guide
to be carried gently and softly away
By the stillness of your wings.

[nikkisto]

Revision and Rewrite posted above

[ForgeAhead]

Wings

You were there, I heard you.
Subtle and soft at my back,
branches barren as I dared to glimpse.  

Creeping into the corners of my life,
a cooling doubt on my days
never fully formed, you'd spy. Love everything up to this point, detailing a long period of something slowly growing out of the corner of your eye, taking hold, almost unnoticeable.

Now you've come to the light.
Your glistening feathers seen by all.
You are the crow come to make claim and you seek shadows no more. "Crow come to make claim", sounds so good I almost thought it was an established idiom and Googled it.

In me though, you find something new. I'm not sure about this line. I liked the wings being a force of nature, or an entity that acts solely by its nature (that is, wings are made to carry you upwards, so that is what they will try to do). Here, they almost turn into a character, as if something could be new or unexpected to them. It also makes it sound as if the narrator finds himself wholly unique or is proud in being the first to accept his wings. Does this really concern our noble narrator?
You will not take me in a fight; I like this thought but the wording here is awkward. Maybe go with "by a fight" or "you will not take me fighting"
I go on my own, with choice.

You may carry me home,
but I will take you with me first
through what remains of this fragile life. I find this part very interesting though a little strange. The rest of the wording in the poem, both before and after this line empowers the narrator, such that "fragile" almost seems out of place. If the poem is about what I think it is, then the dichotomy of fragility and strength of the narrator is awesomely powerful and I think the fragile side needs to be juxtaposed next to the powerful side in a few more places for it to really work.

I do not mind the scars you will bring, 
the beating of your wings or 
the cackle at my back as you sing.

This life is mine before yours.
I will carry you on my shoulder
and show you the hope even you cannot cease. Seems like a little bit of an awkward use of the word "cease." I know it can mean "to bring to an end", but it generally means "to come to an end."  Something along the lines of "defeat" might be better.

We will go together one day,
carried gently and softly away
by the drum beat of your outstretched wings. Drum beat is a nice touch. 

[Lizzie]

Edit 2: I decided to go back to the original and rework the poem as one, I think this represents more of what I was aiming at. Thanks for all the feedback and comments, I'm eager to hear what you all think of the rewrite!


Wings

You were there, I heard you. -- 'were there' is bland. It's too passive. The crow is a parasitic rider, to be sure, but not simply passive. Say more about the quality of its presence.
Subtle and soft at my back,
branches barren as I dared to glimpse. -- you could probably just say, 'I heard you: soft at my back, branches barren..." with no loss of meaning.

Creeping into the corners of my life,
a cooling doubt on my days -- cooling doubt? I don't understand how doubt is cooling. And why only in the day, particularly?
never fully formed, you'd spy. -- it reads awkwardly to have the subject and verb crammed into the final corner of this sentence. I'd reword.

Now you've come to the light. -- 'come into the light' is a cliche.
Your glistening feathers seen by all. -- you need a verb in here. I can imply one, as in 'are seen by all' but that's still awkward and not very interesting. I'd choose a verb that assists in bringing the subject to the forefront.
You are the crow come to make claim and you seek shadows no more. -- to claim what? why is it suddenly forgoing the shadows? what changed?

In me though, you find something new. -- don't need 'though'
You will not take me in a fight;
I go on my own, with choice.

You may carry me home,
but I will take you with me first
through what remains of this fragile life.

I do not mind the scars you will bring, 
the beating of your wings or -- you use the wing beating imagery again at the end and more effectively, so I'd choose something else here.
the cackle at my back as you sing. -- cackle is good. This is the kind of exciting, dynamic language that this piece needs more of.

This life is mine before yours.
I will carry you on my shoulder
and show you the hope even you cannot cease. -- 'cannot cease' is bland. Obliterate? Annihilate?

We will go together one day, -- 'go' is bland. Because it is not evocative, you've been forced to include two adverbs in the following sentence to bring the action that you shirked in the original line and relegated to a tacked-on clause. Make the initial verb carry it's weight, and you'll end up with a stronger, simplified sentence.
carried gently and softly away
by the drum beat of your outstretched wings. -- wing flapping as a drumbeat is good imagery

I think that the broad image of a crow on your back is a good one. It's been done before, so you need to make it as unique as possible. Overall, the verbs need to convey much more action and the descriptors need to pack more punch. But, the skeleton of the piece is good and you have lots of material to work from.

I hope this helps some.

Best,

lizziep