Four Years Old

[Lizzie]

Edit 3

Through afternoon light,
the white wardrobe played
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. A water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside.

The concrete jungle-gym
lifted me on its shoulders
and we saw a playground
with children erased.

My brother disappeared
with the moon each morning
and mom did dishes in silence.
She was a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.

Edit 2

I remember afternoons and light.
The white wardrobe played
hide-and-seek with me
and my water-filled baton
spun me weightless
as purple glitter.
The concrete jungle-gym
held me on its shoulders
and showed me a playground
with children erased.
My brother went away
to school each day
and mom did dishes in silence.
She was a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.

Edit 1

I remember the afternoons and the light.
The white wardrobe would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside.

The concrete jungle-gym
would hold me on its shoulders
and show me a playground
peopled as after the rapture.

My brother would go away
to school and mom would do dishes in silence.
She was a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.

Original version:

I remember the afternoons and the light
of my favorite things –
my white wardrobe that would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out, and my water-filled baton
that made me weightless
as the purple glitter inside.
I'd fixate on it for five
minutes or an hour, maybe.

I'd watch Sesame Street,
Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood.
Sesame Street was fun,
Mr. Rodger was company.

My brother would go away
each day to school and my mom
would do dishes in silence.
She was an inaccessibility,
a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.

[Magpie]

Hi Lizzie,

I've read through your poem a couple of times and I've read through the last stanza—in many ways the most poignant—many times and for the moment that is the part of the poem that I'll comment on.

My brother would go away — Don't think you need 'away' it doesn't seem to add anything
each day to school and my mom — If you were to lose 'away' then it would probably read better with 'to school' swapped with 'each day'
would do dishes in silence. — This is a very strong image
She was an inaccessibility, — This for me spoils what is either side of it. The image of doing dishes in silence already leads us towards thinking that 'She was an inaccessibility'. I think to end on another strong image without having to say 'inaccessibility' would make for a stronger poem.
a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top. — The image here is interesting but could be puzzling, it reads as if the tree is full of leaves but they are only green at the top. I don't know if that was your intention or was it that the tree is bare except for the very top. Also I'm wondering whether this metaphor works at portraying 'inaccessibility'. There are other images that could perhaps express it better. The tree image might work if it only had fruit at the very top. 
Just now when I looked up 'inaccessible' in my dictionary one of the things it came up with was an eyrie or aerie—an eagle's nest

Just a couple of thoughts, thanks for sharing,

Mark

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie,

I'll give you some comments and opinions on this one.

I think simple titles like this work when the poem pushes the imaginative envelope, which I think you do here in enough places to pull this off.

I remember the afternoons and the light--I like your opening line.
of my favorite things – --I think this line could be cut as I think it makes the reading a bit clunky.
my white wardrobe that would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out, and my water-filled baton
that made me weightless--all of these details hit that imaginative play button I was looking for especially this last one here. I also like the break on weightless.
as the purple glitter inside.
I'd fixate on it for five
minutes or an hour, maybe.--You could either cut these last two lines and end the strophe on inside or find a way to show yourself fixating and blend it in above. This parts feels a little flat after the purple glitter line.

I'd watch Sesame Street,
Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood.
Sesame Street was fun,
Mr. Rodger was company. --This strophe needs to personalize the details more, or it should be cut. Choose more specific examples on the shows maybe and pull us into the moment.

My brother would go away--Good break as away gives a sense of abandonment with the reason separated on the next line.
each day to school and my mom
would do dishes in silence.--Love this line. Should a good, crisp characterization.
She was an inaccessibility,--This inacessibility is too adult sounding. It draws me out. I realize its an adult looking back but I think would be improved it you simply went with: She was a tree whose leaves were green 
a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.--This ending is an evocative payoff. Love this.

I hope some of that helps. 

Best,

Todd

[dukealien]

Reading this, couldn't help being reminded of the lady who was hired as the childrens' book editor for a major publishing house, then harshly criticized by her opposite number at another publisher because she had no education degree, teaching experience, or training in child psychology and child development.  Her reply was, "Madam, I have been a child, and I remember everything!"

[kolemath]

I love the journey this poem gives the reader and how every image captures the isolation of the speaker. I was a bit confused by 'weightless,' as the words doesn't seem to connect to the poem's theme, as i read it. perhaps work on how the sensation of weightlessness connects to being ignored all day? that or pick a different descriptor for the glitter image?

Great read!

[billy]

some nice nostalgic memories lizzie.
hope some of the feedback is useful.

I remember the afternoons and the light
of my favorite things – saw todd's remark about this line and agree, it doesn't fit well enough to keep
my white wardrobe that would play good use of anthropomorphism of the wardrobe as a playmate/friend
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out, and my water-filled baton a suggest here would be a period after out, and drop the [and] start the next line with [my water filled baton]
that made me weightless [me as] here or [like the] on the next line
as the purple glitter inside.
I'd fixate on it for five not sure if fixate is enough. can it be extend to a simile or be sapped for another word choice?
minutes or an hour, maybe. try the [maybe] on the next line does it work better that way as more of an afterthought?

I'd watch Sesame Street,
Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood.
Sesame Street was fun,
Mr. Rodger was company. feels out of sync with the above and adds little, flesh it out if possible

My brother would go away
each day to school and my mom no need for [my]
would do dishes in silence.
She was an inaccessibility,
a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top. complete juxtaposition between the first part and this last few lines. for me they work well at tempering the poem and showing that all is not wondrous in childhood.

[Lizzie]

I've read through the last stanza—in many ways the most poignant—many times and for the moment that is the part of the poem that I'll comment on.

Just now when I looked up 'inaccessible' in my dictionary one of the things it came up with was an eyrie or aerie—an eagle's nest

Thanks for going the extra mile -- much appreciated!

---

Thanks so much for the help, guys! I couldn't be more grateful. It's wonderful to get useful critique and fresh ideas.

><

[Lizzie]

New version is up. It's not "done," just working in that direction.

Thanks again to everybody that responded.   I've incorporated lots of your fine critique. Still thinking about the ending.

[ellajam]

Lovely edit. My only concern is the first 2 lines of S3, "would" bothers me, and you haven't made a space in the poem for the brother before this so I have no idea why the mother reacts so, maybe the narrator doesn't know either, so I can live with that but still don't like "would". So I'm left first with

When my brother leaves
my mom does the dishes in silence. (play on leaves for the next lines, ha)

Or

In the empty space my brother leaves... (does it matter where he went?)

Almost there.

I remember the afternoons and the light.
The white wardrobe would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside.

The concrete jungle-gym
would hold me on its shoulders
and show me a playground
peopled as after the rapture.

My brother would go away
to school and mom would do dishes in silence.
She was a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.

---

Original version:

I remember the afternoons and the light
of my favorite things –
my white wardrobe that would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out, and my water-filled baton
that made me weightless
as the purple glitter inside.
I'd fixate on it for five
minutes or an hour, maybe.

I'd watch Sesame Street,
Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood.
Sesame Street was fun,
Mr. Rodger was company.

My brother would go away
each day to school and my mom
would do dishes in silence.
She was an inaccessibility,
a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.

[just mercedes]

I remember the afternoons and the light.
The white wardrobe would play(ed)
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside.

The concrete jungle-gym
would h(e)ld me on its shoulders
and showed me a playground
(peopled as after the rapture). There's something clunky about this for me. I'm not sure of the image you're showing me - emptiness? dead bodies?

My brother would go (went) away
to school and mom would do(did) dishes in silence. I really like this line, you've said so much about loss.
She was a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top. This is a strong closing image; OK it's confusing, but I like that.

You've really pared down your poem from the first draft. It feels a lot more focused. My main moan is about the use of 'would' - I prefer a simple past tense overall. The repetition becomes (dare I say it?) wooden.

You've shown a particular place and time, and peopled it. The mood, of happiness and melancholy, nicely balanced. I liked the colours, purple and green - two of my favourites.

[Lizzie]

New(er) version is up!  

JM: Thanks for helping me to pare back to the essentials. I changed the rapture line to erased. Hope that's more clear and more childlike.

Ellajam: I wanted to do the "leaves" play, but I couldn't make it work in the past tense Bummer, I always like stealing other people's good ideas But, I did take out the "would"s that were so bothersome to you and JM.

And thank you again to everyone else who commented on the original: Ambrosial Revelation, Todd, dukealien, Billy, Kolemath.

Hooray for cooperative poetry!

Go team PigPen!!!

[Erthona]

Except for the rapture line, I like edit #1 the best, there's no emotion left in the last edit, no direction. For me this is much preferable

"The white wardrobe would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside."

over

"The white wardrobe played
hide-and-seek with me
and my water-filled baton
spun me weightless
as purple glitter."

They say two completely different things. In the first I can see what you are describing, the second is simply a vague image. In the second there is nothing to say the purple glitter is inside of the water which is inside the baton and so the idea of the narr. being weightless makes no sense. The last edit you have done this again and again, just taken out too much.

dale

[Lizzie]

 I also like the line breaks. They seems to fit, and allow some breathing room.

Are you talking about the breaks between stanzas in Edit 1?

[Lizzie]

Yes, sorry, the line-space between stanzas in Edit 1

Gotcha. Yeah, I took the spaces out on edit 2 because it was sparse enough that I couldn't really justify breaking it up. But, if I go back to edit 1 (in whole or in part), those will return.

Thanks for the input!

[Achebe]

lizzie, the edited version is pretty solid. Some thoughts below. It's never over, is it? 

Edit 2

I remember afternoons and light. ....too many poems about childhood start with 'I remember'. Something like 'through afternoon light' or 'through afternoons and light' would be ever so slightly diffferent.
The white wardrobe played
hide-and-seek with me
and my water-filled baton
spun me weightless
as purple glitter. ...I don't know what a water-filled baton is and can't connect glitter and weightlessness, but the lines sound nice. 
The concrete jungle-gym
held me on its shoulders
and showed me a playground
with children erased. ...this is a lovely, lovely image. 
My brother went away
to school each day ...the sudden rhyme here sound jarring. Also, these are a couple of rather bland lines.
and mom did dishes in silence.
She was a tree whose leaves were green ... I would prefer to have a line between 'slience' and 'she was'. In your earlier versions, you had 'inaccessible', and maybe having '...silence. / Inaccessible, like a tree / whose leaves were green / only at the top'. However, even then, I find the emotional twist at the end disturbing - it upsets the calm, zen-like feel of the rest of the poem. But not bad.
only at the very top.

---

Edit 1

I remember the afternoons and the light.
The white wardrobe would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside.

The concrete jungle-gym
would hold me on its shoulders
and show me a playground
peopled as after the rapture.

My brother would go away
to school and mom would do dishes in silence.
She was a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.

---

Original version:

I remember the afternoons and the light
of my favorite things –
my white wardrobe that would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out, and my water-filled baton
that made me weightless
as the purple glitter inside.
I'd fixate on it for five
minutes or an hour, maybe.

I'd watch Sesame Street,
Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood.
Sesame Street was fun,
Mr. Rodger was company.

My brother would go away
each day to school and my mom
would do dishes in silence.
She was an inaccessibility,
a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top.

[Lizzie]

lizzie, the edited version is pretty solid. Some thoughts below. It's never over, is it?  Feck, that's the truth isn't it  I read somewhere that works of art are never really finished, they are just abandoned.
Edit 2

I remember afternoons and light. ....too many poems about childhood start with 'I remember'. Something like 'through afternoon light' or 'through afternoons and light' would be ever so slightly diffferent. -- good point.
The white wardrobe played
hide-and-seek with me
and my water-filled baton
spun me weightless
as purple glitter. ...I don't know what a water-filled baton is and can't connect glitter and weightlessness, but the lines sound nice. -- yeah, I'll work on this.
The concrete jungle-gym
held me on its shoulders
and showed me a playground
with children erased. ...this is a lovely, lovely image. -- hooray! These were the only brand new lines with this edit, and I was hoping they worked.
My brother went away
to school each day ...the sudden rhyme here sound jarring. Also, these are a couple of rather bland lines. -- ok, I'll see if I can couch that rhyme a little better.
and mom did dishes in silence.
She was a tree whose leaves were green ... I would prefer to have a line between 'slience' and 'she was'. In your earlier versions, you had 'inaccessible', and maybe having '...silence. / Inaccessible, like a tree / whose leaves were green / only at the top'. However, even then, I find the emotional twist at the end disturbing - it upsets the calm, zen-like feel of the rest of the poem. But not bad. -- this makes me smile. I'm always upsetting people's zen! Just feels like a bit of me coming through
only at the very top.

Thanks so much for the input, as always. I think the final version will be a mishmash between this one and the previous version.

[Vanity]

Reading this, couldn't help being reminded of the lady who was hired as the childrens' book editor for a major publishing house, then harshly criticized by her opposite number at another publisher because she had no education degree, teaching experience, or training in child psychology and child development.  Her reply was, "Madam, I have been a child, and I remember everything!"

---

Hi! I liked this very much. I especially liked the first 6 lines...I still see the purple glitter swirling (-:
(I think I had that same baton)
My only critique is...I'm not crazy about the last two lines. The 'leaves green only at the top' ..I see it, I'm just not sure if I understand what you mean to say...I get that it feels sad. 'Dishes in silence' does that for me too...but, I'm missing something in that last bit
But overall, liked this very much! I always enjoy reading your stuff...Great job

[Lizzie]

Hi Vanity! Thanks for the review. I thought I'd respond cause I'd like your thoughts on something.

Hi! I liked this very much. I especially liked the first 6 lines...I still see the purple glitter swirling (-:
(I think I had that same baton) -- Hooray! I LOVED my baton. I was convinced that I was a natural gift at it, even though I was pretty much just shaking it back and forth!
My only critique is...I'm not crazy about the last two lines. The 'leaves green only at the top' ..I see it, I'm  just not sure if I understand what you mean to say...I get that it feels sad. -- Yeah, it is sad. This line is the first one that came to me for the poem and everything else developed around it, so now I feel like I'm kind of married to it. However, I could possibly add a line before giving some more detail? The story is that my mom had severe depressive bouts and when my brother went away to school, he took companionship with him as mom didn't have much to give. The little bit that was still alive about her was buried deep within her cerebral cortex. So, that's what I'm trying to get across, that the only live bit about her was out of reach.
'Dishes in silence' does that for me too...but, I'm missing something in that last bit
But overall, liked this very much! I always enjoy reading your stuff -- thank you >< That felt amazing I love your work too -- I think we "get" each other.
...Great job

[Lizzie]

Revision is up. Hopefully it's moving in the right direction. Big thanks to everyone who read and commented. ><

[CarrieChristo]

Your last stanza is beautiful.  I feel I'm there in the kitchen and I can sense my mother's motions and the "green" that she saves for the surface.  I also loved the heaviness of the playground lifting children on shoulders.  I would work with the baton bit, maybe make it more of a metaphor, the wording just feels slightly off.  I am also a little unsure of the message.  I want to know more about the brother.  By the end I felt like I was in a daze, rightfully so, but why?  Overall I loved the airiness of it.