ravens tossed

[justlikeyou]

ravens tossed
above the treetops
stormy clouds

[Magpie]

Hi, I like the image and the idea, I think you could invert it and have the ravens on the last line, for me that reads slightly better. The middle line works well as a pivot because both the ravens and clouds are above the treetops.

How about storm clouds instead of stormy clouds? 

I would also be tempted to change 'tossed' but that is because I'm British and in Britain it has additional meanings and this is probably influencing my thinking. 

Just a couple of thoughts, thanks for the read,

Mark

[Erthona]

Could easily be worded as a simple sentence.

Storm clouds toss ravens above tree tops.

It's an image, well formed, but hardly unique. Nor does it carry with it more than the image.

The wind
blows golden grain
in the field

That's a little more cliche, but similar in terms of all that is conveyed is an image.


Best,


dale

[justlikeyou]

My original was:

ravens tossed
in the windy sky
billowy clouds

Think I'll revise it back.


And yes, I agree that it may have only one image to convey, but what an image it was that provoked this haiku. I can't prove it, but it sure seemed like they were having fun being tossed around in the wind and gusts over the backyard yesterday. It was an extraordinary moment to behold.