Posts: 63
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2016
Untitled 62
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think of you
even when I don't know who you are
wonder how you are
where the world is taking you
or where you're taking the world
against confusion
or the chaotic nonsense
comprising city streets
the loneliness subsides
or burns away as morning fog
my mind envisions mountain tops
touching forever
and you not knowing.
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Luna, you won't really get critique in the Miscellaneous forum unless you specifically indicate that this is the case, so if critical feedback is your goal, just let a mod know and it can be moved to one of the other forums.
It could be worse
Posts: 63
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2016
(04-15-2016, 04:33 AM)Leanne Wrote: Luna, you won't really get critique in the Miscellaneous forum unless you specifically indicate that this is the case, so if critical feedback is your goal, just let a mod know and it can be moved to one of the other forums.
It's okay Leanne, I'm not to concerned with having this one critiqued. If someone happens to see it here and wants to give me some feedback it's okay or vice versa.
But, thanks for letting me know. I do appreciate it, really.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
Mountain tops touching forever is a strange image. What are they touching, if not poetically the sky? And why would your mysterious person not know that?
I get it that said person doesn't know that you think of him.bit that's not being communicated at the end.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 63
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2016
(04-23-2016, 07:00 AM)Achebe Wrote: Mountain tops touching forever is a strange image. What are they touching, if not poetically the sky? And why would your mysterious person not know that?
I get it that said person doesn't know that you think of him.bit that's not being communicated at the end.
Achebe,
Two people, possibly soul mates, that haven't met or who don't know one another; this is what I was trying to express from a single point of view. The mystery person doesn't know who the writer is; doesn't know the writer thinks about him, or does he? Maybe they both do the same thing and wonder. I dunno. Maybe the ending could use a little work. Thanks for pointing that out and thanks for reading and commenting.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
