Thou.

[Icon Zero]

I feel it needs more adding to it, but this is the first draft I guess.

           Thou.

Thou art the bastard of the apple,
Seedlings of the God bollock,
Farts from the steam whistle,
Reminding you to forget.

Thou art a busted flush,
Of the card table,
Of the lavatory,
The house has your money,
But you get to keep the turd.

Thou art junk food,
Your mind is Kentucky-Fried,
Your soul is flame-grilled,
Your flesh is a stuffed crust,
And your nuts are dry-roasted.

[just mercedes]

I feel it needs more adding to it, but this is the first draft I guess.

           Thou.

Thou art the bastard of the apple,
Seedlings of the God bollock,
Farts from the steam whistle,
Reminding you to forget.

Thou art a busted flush,
Of the card table,
Of the lavatory,
The house has your money,
But you get to keep the turd.

Thou art junk food,
Your mind is Kentucky-Fried,
Your soul is flame-grilled,
Your flesh is a stuffed crust,
And your nuts are dry-roasted.

Hi - I find the archaic 'thou' is very grating, especially contrasted to the very modern images of the rest of the poem. It doesn't add anything for me - rather, it detracts from your poem.

[blanc]

The use of you is something I try to avoid, unless proper context of who it is you are referring to is implied in some way. For example in line four, "reminding you to forget"

[aschueler]

L

I feel it needs more adding to it, but this is the first draft I guess.

           Thou.

Thou art the bastard of the apple,This line seems to lack meaning
Seedlings of the God bollock, This as well
Farts from the steam whistle,
Reminding you to forget. This hints at intrigue but then drifts away

Thou art a busted flush,
Of the card table,
Of the lavatory,
The house has your money,
But you get to keep the turd. Crude but clarifies

Thou art junk food,
Your mind is Kentucky-Fried,  if you use thou, Thy should follow
Your soul is flame-grilled,
Your flesh is a stuffed crust,
And your nuts are dry-roasted.  Ends weak, reminds of the the joke "quick show her you're nuts"

It is filled with potential, and you clearly have something to say to someone.  Future drafts will help clarify.

[QDeathstar]

I find that the poem lacks substance so I take it as a joke. It lacks humor, so I take it as a bad joke. Archaic English makes it hard to take.



I think, the poem could be summed up:

"You Are A Piece Of Shit" all three stanzas say the same thing, why such labor to say such a mundane thing?

[Icon Zero]

I find that the poem lacks substance so I take it as a joke. It lacks humor, so I take it as a bad joke. Archaic English makes it hard to take.



I think, the poem could be summed up:

"You Are A Piece Of Shit" all three stanzas say the same thing, why such labor to say such a mundane thing?

Well that's just how you're inferring it, with your colonial ignorance, darling.

The critic addressed the poem, not the poet. Please do the same in your response. Thanks, ella

[UselessBlueprint]

I will agree with both aschueler and Qdeathstar on this one. I actually like a good use of archaisms, just not an overly liberal use of archaisms. Good uses, not 'kinda-okay uses.' Regarding Qdeathstar, I think it does say a lot less than is written (mainly because none of the images are able to tell me anything solid). One mark of good poetry is that there is a high compression ratio: more content in less words, rather than less content with more words. Aschueler touched on my technical issues, particularly the switch between the archaic 'thou' and modern 'you/your.' Ultimately, I think the best step forward is to solidify your metaphors. It's going somewhere, but taking too many routes to get there.

[Frankee_thecat]

I'm a complete novice.
I really like the busted flush, but the card-table then lav made it too far apart for me to notice at first. That stanza needs working around a bit, I reckon.
Thought you carried the theme through well and I'm left thinking about bodily fluids & economics
Thanks

[Julius]

I suppose you would have to say this is a striking piece of writing – using vulgarity to grab attention.
Unfortunately, for me, much of it makes little sense. I suppose the first line says you are a creation of God due to the tree in the garden of Eden. I do get one or two quite clever links – busted flush in its two meanings for example and I think there is deliberate humour in the last line.
I must say that, for me, the string of insults do not really create an emotion within me.

[QDeathstar]

I find that the poem lacks substance so I take it as a joke. It lacks humor, so I take it as a bad joke. Archaic English makes it hard to take.



I think, the poem could be summed up:

"You Are A Piece Of Shit" all three stanzas say the same thing, why such labor to say such a mundane thing?

Well that's just how you're inferring it, with your colonial ignorance, darling.

Bro. It's your poem, not mine. You are responsible for how I inferr, and you do that with words, honeytits.

If either one of you feels the need to continue this please take it to the Pig's Arse. Thanks, ella

[RiverNotch]

The archaisms do make this twice as disgusting, and not in a good way. One could send this as a somewhat effective insult to another -- and at the same time open an avenue for a retort. "Thou" doest naught -- modernize him. For this reviewe, I do.

You are the bastard of the apple,
Seedlings of the God bollock, When I read this, I immediately thought of something, well, symbolic -- that is, we all are seedlings of God's bollocks.
Farts from the steam whistle,
Reminding you to forget. This last line, and to be honest this whole stanza, really gave me nothing -- the insults didn't immediately and clearly register.

You are a busted flush, Comma is unnecessary.
Of the card table,
Of the lavatory,  
The house has your money,
But you get to keep the turd. This whole stanza, though a bit clever, made me go all "meh". The second and third lines gave the game away -- remove them, and maybe this'll get better.

You are junk food, Instead of comma, colon -- the following flow from this.
Your mind is Kentucky-Fried, The capital in "Fried" is unnecessary.
Your soul is flame-grilled, I know this is a reference to Burger King (or at least, I think I know), but anything grilled is, if not over or under, good. Not sure if you should change this.
Your flesh is a stuffed crust,
And your nuts are dry-roasted. Not really junk food, but I laughed at this one.

In fact, though the insults are sometimes brilliant, they're really just that, insults. We could comment on the form and the choice of imagery, but as a poem, this didn't really give me anything worthwhile. 

[Icon Zero]

This isn't meant to have any particular "message", It's more a haphazard rant at the synthetic nature of the modern age?....Or maybe it's an existential brainfart....Or maybe it's just an opportunity to make a nice turd pun?
I enjoy playing with imagery, and I like to approach words in the same way Jackson Pollock approached paint. Maybe I'll lose the "Thou" though, seeing as it's about as popular as a bacon sandwich in a synagogue?