a night and a day

[skadragon]

A night and a day (place holder title)

a sunrise would envy the skill with which
her curves are gently painted
as gentler still I climb her back kiss by kiss
and pull myself upon her form
to enfold
her neck
her breasts
her abdomen where fingers swim
the glow of her bare flesh
a desperate, passioned leisure
where breaths burn time 
slow and hot
where sentiment makes simple acts
a rite of divine trespass
lips form a transcendent silent language
wherewith my love is spoken
my adoration is unobtrusively sung

fall into me 
like the sun behind the world
to burn all that goes unseen
crawl upon me
like the bold unrepentant dawn

[rowens]

It seems like a good Captain's Verse. Though the part where you pull and enfold is a tell. That it's not quite but a good effort. The sun and Earth comparison is nice. You could get away with the gentler still, real nice. It just somehow universally falls away in the where fingers swim. You might pull too far away.

[hannah.h]

I think this well written and pleasant to read. I think a nice consistent flow is built into the language you use, but I feel the word unobtrusively in line 7 disturbs it slightly. Also I'm not completely sold on your title, I like the idea of putting dawn into the title (maybe something along the lines of "A Day Dawns", just an idea though). Thank you, I really like this piece.

[aleexgold]

I found this poem very interesting seeing as it has a good flow and is reasonably easy to read and follow along with it. You also used some good imagery. I cannot see very much wrong with it, apart from the fact that maybe you should put 'to enfold' at the end of line 4 instead of on a separate line because it doesn't go along with the list that follows. But overall, excellent job

Thanks for your comment.  A tip for future critiques:  instead of generic terms like "flow" and "imagery", perhaps you could point out specific examples in the poem.  What images stood out for you and why?  ("Flow" is not a poetry term at all.  It's best not to use it, but instead to find out about meter -- you could start in the Poetry Practice forum)/ Admin

[skadragon]

I certainly disappeared for a but, didn't I? Wasn't intentional. I'd first like to say thank you for all your responses. They are greatly appreciated/

It seems like a good Captain's Verse. Though the part where you pull and enfold is a tell. That it's not quite but a good effort. The sun and Earth comparison is nice. You could get away with the gentler still, real nice. It just somehow universally falls away in the where fingers swim. You might pull too far away.

I'm sorry, but what is a Captain's Verse? I'm not familiar with that and google didn't really shed light. I'm left wondering how it falls away and what I pulled to far from.

I think this well written and pleasant to read. I think a nice consistent flow is built into the language you use, but I feel the word unobtrusively in line 7 disturbs it slightly. Also I'm not completely sold on your title, I like the idea of putting dawn into the title (maybe something along the lines of "A Day Dawns", just an idea though). Thank you, I really like this piece.

unobtrusive is an obtrusive word isn't it? I kind of like things to not flow too perfectly. I have been critisized previously for using the word 'untoward'. The title is still in the works. I don't really have a title for it. I just didn't want to call it Untitled XX. I am very glad you enjoyed it.

I found this poem very interesting seeing as it has a good flow and is reasonably easy to read and follow along with it. You also used some good imagery. I cannot see very much wrong with it, apart from the fact that maybe you should put 'to enfold' at the end of line 4 instead of on a separate line because it doesn't go along with the list that follows. But overall, excellent job

I must say that I like 'to enfold' on a new line because the starting of a new line to me bear some slight degree of emphasis which was meant there. Also, to me that line goes more with the next two lines than the one that preceeds it. Maybe that doesn't come across as such.

[enigmaticexistence]

the opening line provided a lovely feel for the poem. first read, i wasn't fond of line 12, although "where sentiment makes simple acts
a rite of divine trespass..." really captured me and brought back the initial beauty of the poem, despite my feeling it got a little lost. felt a sort of breathlessness throughout, a beautiful passion. the title could better reflect this.

[MAE27]

My honest opinion is that the first long stanza about breasts and sunsets is a little cringe and does nothing to evoke understanding of the subject matter. The second and final stanza I think actually works as a complete poem. It flows beautifully and awkwardly and produces powerful imagery. It says everything the first stanza describes but fails to reveal.

[REW]

A night and a day (place holder title)

a sunrise would envy the skill with which (I think you can go without the determiner there)
her curves are gently painted
as gentler still I climb her back kiss by kiss
and pull myself upon her form
to enfold
her neck
her breasts
her abdomen where fingers swim
the glow of her bare flesh
a desperate, passioned leisure
where breaths burn time 
slow and hot
where sentiment makes simple acts
a rite of divine trespass (a rite of divine trespass gets a little cheesy for me)
lips form a transcendent silent language
wherewith my love is spoken
my adoration is unobtrusively sung

fall into me 
like the sun behind the world
to burn all that goes unseen (I am not sure about your word choice burn here.  It seems to me you want a positive word such as light or illuminate.  Burn connotes destruction or damage.  I think you mean that you want to know all of her, right?)
crawl upon me
like the bold unrepentant dawn

I think this is a very sexy poem and intense.  I do not really have any nits or issues except for those that I provided alongside your poem.  I really like your use of the sun to illustrate your piece, evoke the feelings.  Because of your use of sun and the dawn, I am thinking perhaps you might want to begin your poem differently such as with lamplight (to indicate the night as well).  Overall, I think your poem is quite good.  I mention one part being a little cheesy.  That just could be me.  My worst criticism is your place holder title, "A Night and a Day."  Please think of something else more suitable and without two a's and and