ThatsNotFennel
Unregistered
Things That Remind Me of Newton's Universal Law of Gravity
Flight-times to Thailand
and bombshells
[both kinds.]
Inside jokes
which are derivatives
of other inside jokes
which are derivatives.
How a bench can be
just a bench,
or it can be an altar,
or it can be a bar,
or it can be the saddest place.
[A week of rain
and whiskey
and soggy cigarettes
is not a valid prescription
for anything.]
How the mud washes
from my fingertips
and makes a river delta
of my sink
before I eat.
Pink flesh in general.
Prison cells in general.
[It was touch-and-go for awhile,
but at 30 I can comfortably say
I am not an albatross.]
Trying to forget.
Trying to remember.
Trying in general.
All the little things I want
but never buy.
Posts: 1,185
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
(12-02-2015, 05:15 AM)ThatsNotFennel Wrote: Things That Remind Me of Newton's Universal Law of Gravity
- Flight-times to Thailand
- and bombshells
- [both kinds.]
- Inside jokes
- which are derivatives
- of other inside jokes
- which are derivatives.
- How a bench can be
- just a bench,
- or it can be an altar,
- or it can be a bar,
- or it can be the saddest place.
- [A week of rain
- and whiskey
- and soggy cigarettes
- is not a valid prescription
- for anything.]
- How the mud washes
- from my fingertips
- and makes a river delta
- of my sink
- before I eat.
- Pink flesh in general.
- Prison cells in general.
- [It was touch-and-go for awhile,
- but at 30 I can comfortably say
- I am not an albatross.]
- Trying to forget.
- Trying to remember.
- Trying in general.
- All the little things I want
- but never buy.
Very refreshing, general to particular and partway back again. Good to see macro/Newtonion physics in metaphor, speaking to the mysteries of attraction.
The asides in square brackets do an interesting job; I found the L27 albatross sufficiently mysterioius to look up alternatives to the Coleridge and natural (spends whole life on the wing) definitions. The "urban" definition - well, that's a little corner of my mind no bleach will restore.
Technique: Most lines sentences start with an accented syllable, which seems to be prevalent in modern free verse. But subsequent lines generally don't; it feels a bit more like prose than poetry. Short sentences counteract this, in part.
Repetition: Used very well in L28-30, with a nice twist from L29 to L30. Not sure it works quite as well, repeating the whole first part of the phrase in L10-12. Perhaps L10 and 11 could be shortened ("or an altar/or a bar") with L12 as is. But monsoon monotony may have been the intent here.
There are a lot of references to attraction and capture (especially L23-24 and the last five lines), playing well from the gravity metaphor. The sink, too (with coriolis swirl not mentioned? That's some heavy mud, or a very flat-bottomed sink.)
I hear, in L31-32, not capture but the limited freedom possible in a gravitational system: orbit, the primary (object of desire) not actually struck (bought) through the magic of (angular) momentum.
Idiosyncratic stumble: the river delta in the sink has its "river" to the drain, its "ocean" where the mud drips off your fingers. The picture is there, but the flow is the wrong direction for a river delta.
Overall comments: Flows, a bit languidly, which fits the theme. Can't help but wonder if L4-7 are necessary: the verse is clever and has meaning, but doesn't seem to move the story onward where it is. Could it be attached to the drain of the sink instead?
Hope there's at least one valuable observation or suggestion above. There's a lot in this poem to like.
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
What you say can't be a valid prescription for anything can be, outside of this poem. In some poems such things can be made to be, but not in this poem. Because humor is cheap here; humor, though it be mere serious cleverness, doesn't cut it anymore in a world where commercials on television are actually funny. You can't just say these things, and be serious or ironic or both. It never comes back to bombshells; there's no reason whether or not to be an albatross at thirty. Even if you're writing figuratively, whiskey and soggy cigarettes are valid even if it seems you're supposed to legitimately burn out on them in reality. Someone can carry on this poem, keep speaking in your same voice forever. But too much of it can easily make sense in the same sense that everybody and their brother got tired of before you were motivated to voice your artistic valor. That's not to say you can't write. You are a good writer, you've made the poem good, but the poem is tired.
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
short comments here
I found the things inside the brackets to be most interesting, and the vast majority of the rest of the poem to be ho-hum, could be skipped. There are a lot there are of filler there are words there are that take there are up space, there are.
I can see the intent on rythm, but....
as I said what is in the brackets is a pretty good poem, elsewhere there are good pieces mixed in with repetition.. it's actually like when an elderly man with alziemers? starts to tell you a story, and then forgets, and has to repeat....
I like the delta scene, it is the MUD that is flowing from your body, earth, into the river, sink, down the drain ocean... I see no problem with flow, it's a nice image I hadn't thought of before.
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Joined: Oct 2015
what I liked:
1. the double derivative, although in reality that's any acceleration, not just 'g'
2. 'a week of rain....anything'. It's a nice little pome in its own right. It's better than the rest, actually.
3. the title....'what goes up must come down' angle (surely not F=Gm1m2/r^2): the wink wink Thai reference, a plane's landing, the second kind of bombshell, joy and sadness, prices....good stuff.
what I didn't like:
1. pink flesh / prison cells....didn't make sense to me
2. trying to forget.....what the heck was that?
Posts: 107
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Joined: Nov 2015
Nice job. My comments attached are from the frame of mind "if this were a friend of mine how would I help make a very good poem better."
(12-02-2015, 05:15 AM)ThatsNotFennel Wrote: Things That Remind Me of Newton's Universal Law of Gravity
Flight-times to Thailand
and bombshells
[both kinds.]
Inside jokes
which are derivatives
of other inside jokes
which are derivatives. Would hide this better somehow
How a bench can be
just a bench,
or it can be an altar,
or it can be a bar,
or it can be the saddest place.
[A week of rain
and whiskey
and soggy cigarettes
is not a valid prescription
for anything.]
Cant think of anything better. Reminds me of the Freudian a cigar is sometimes just a cigar
How the mud washes
from my fingertips
and makes a river delta
of my sink
before I eat.
Pink flesh in general.
Prison cells in general. This worked in my opinion
[It was touch-and-go for awhile,
but at 30 I can comfortably say
I am not an albatross.]
Trying to forget.
Trying to remember.
Trying in general.
All the little things I want However this doesn't work for me, seems to cheapen it...
but never buy.
Posts: 8
Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2015
I thought your poem was interesting, sometimes smart and sometimes confusing. I think it has the potential to be great.
Flight-times to Thailand
and bombshells
[both kinds.]................I like how the brackets nudge the reader to use their imagination and think of what "other bombshells" you might mean, but at the same time I don't see the relation between flight times to Thailand, bombs, and gorgeous women
Inside jokes
which are derivatives
of other inside jokes
which are derivatives....I sort of like this but it does seem unnecessary, what are you trying to say?
How a bench can be
just a bench,
or it can be an altar,
or it can be a bar,
or it can be the saddest place.
[A week of rain
and whiskey
and soggy cigarettes
is not a valid prescription
for anything.]
How the mud washes
from my fingertips
and makes a river delta
of my sink
before I eat. ....................This is my favorite stanza. I love the imagery and I think it's a great idea
Pink flesh in general.
Prison cells in general.......These are my least favorite lines. In general.
[It was touch-and-go for awhile,
but at 30 I can comfortably say
I am not an albatross.]................Cheeky. I like it but it seems more suited to a story or novel than this poem
Trying to forget.
Trying to remember.
Trying in general............These are just words. Trying to forget what? Trying to remember what? Or else who cares?
All the little things I want
but never buy....................This is OK but I think you could come up with something more potent.
[/quote]
Posts: 13
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2015
I like this poem, but that's neither here nor there, it's my style. I disagree with a lot of what other people have said, which is also neither here nor there.
There's obviously a lot of personal meanings here that no one but you is ever going to understand, i.e. what does it mean to not be an albatross? How does Newton relate to many of these things? I can come up with something plausible but it doesn't matter. It's bordering on a personal mythology level of obfuscation, which I personally think is great. It forces you to focus on the aesthetic and think for yourself, or, you know, complain about not having the meaning handed to you on a platter.
As someone who writes a lot of very obfuscated poems, my trick to making it work is to vigilantly avoid copying, phrase-wise, anything unintentionally. In other words, if it's personal it better be personal.
With that in mind, why "pink flesh"? is flesh pink? is the pinkness the point? or are you just using the term without (possibly undue) consideration?
Why "of my sink"? as opposed to "in my sink." I get the image and I like the metaphor, that the sink is made into a delta, but saying it like that sounds a bit writerly in an otherwise plainly written piece.
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
I'd say it was fluidly dynamic as well.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 18
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2015
(12-02-2015, 05:15 AM)ThatsNotFennel Wrote: Things That Remind Me of Newton's Universal Law of Gravity
Flight-times to Thailand
and bombshells
[both kinds.]
Inside jokes
which are derivatives
of other inside jokes
which are derivatives.
How a bench can be
just a bench,
or it can be an altar,
or it can be a bar,
or it can be the saddest place.
[A week of rain
and whiskey
and soggy cigarettes
is not a valid prescription
for anything.]
How the mud washes
from my fingertips
and makes a river delta
of my sink
before I eat.
Pink flesh in general.
Prison cells in general.
[It was touch-and-go for awhile,
but at 30 I can comfortably say
I am not an albatross.]
Trying to forget.
Trying to remember.
Trying in general.
All the little things I want
but never buy.
First of all, the format is excellent and interesting. I enjoyed your use of the brackets in neat little boxes offset against the rest.
The third stanza is your strongest, and the most interesting stanza to me.
I'm not sure about the fifth stanza. One commenter points out that it works. My first thought was "why state generalities?". It may just be me, but I cannot identify how it serves the greater purpose of the poem. Maybe there's something I'm missing.
I love the philosophical nature of the sixth stanza.
Really nice work!
Emma
These fragments I have shored against my ruins
Why then Ile fit you
-T.S. Eliot (The Wasteland)
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