Sinking

[Bunx]

swimming underneath hopes,
a sea of failed attempts

Bunx Is

shipwrecked stewards 
drowning. 

the ark built, did not last.

a beast burdened with survival.
fear blinds monsters that exist.

Bunx Is
suffocating, cannot go on.

to master death

a final regret.

[fluorescent.43]

why do i find this interesting?
it's confusing though. really confusing. i feel like you cropped out parts of this poem and forgot to add them back in.

as soon as you mentioned ark i thought to noah's ark, especially since you mentioned survival and monsters in the next two lines. i like those two lines. they're meaty lines. i'm not really familiar with noah's ark, but did it last? maybe this was intentional but there's a few comma splices. overall i get a noah's ark feeling from the poem.

the suffocation line, to me, returns the poem to a more individual focus (as do the first two lines). after suffocation, he last two lines lose me. totally lose me. like i have nothing to say because i'm so mind boggled.

no matter how much i think, i don't get this one. i like it though. lots of ways you can interpret it. i like the brevity too; it's concise and says whatever it's saying quite nicely.

anyways, those were my thoughts! good luck with this if you intend to edit. thanks for the read.

[Bunx]

Haha thanks for the feedback! Alot of the lines were ideas I strung together making a general idea for a poem. I wanted the poem to either be
1. from a sailor's perspective
or
2. from a sea beasts perspective
or
3. whatever makes potential sense.

some people think noahs ark lasted. but I just used ark as another word for ship.
anyways!
im glad you liked it!

[2abi100]

I do like this one, "a beast burdened with survival" was a good use of words and great interpretation
I like how you used the ark as a boat reference and shows it from different perspectives like the sea beasts and sailors
but i really like the phrase you used "a beast burdened with survival"
Great job!

Next time try to make it go together even in the start it makes no sense, try to make it make sense in the end atleast but still great job !

[Gormind]

swimming underneath hopes,
a sea of failed attempts

shipwrecked stewards 
drowning. 

the ark built, did not last.

a beast burdened with survival.
fear blinds monsters that exist.

suffocating, cannot go on.

to master death

a final regret.

I really enjoyed reading this poem Bunx, i like to play guitar and i could see this poem being sung and turned into lyrics. I think i saw a guitar in your profile picture so i'm sure you've tried or done this already. Thank for sharing with us Bunx.

[Bunx]

I have thought of that idea indeed! Was thinking about showing it to a band mate!