Contained

[Tiger the Lion]

Contained edit (Cousin/WJ/Ray)

the thing about a hip flask
is it says a lot about you—
much more than your shoes
 
you don’t have a meet cute
with a young mother
in the park at 10 am—

you go home and sleep through afternoon
dream you’re a king
and forget you were dreaming
 
if you wake
it will be uneasily
 
you will refill the flask
and still not know
it has grown dark
 
the parks are empty.



Contained  -original

the thing about a hip-flask
is it says a lot about you—
much more than your shoes
 
you don’t have a meet-cute
with a young mother
in the park at 10am—
spring or fall
 
you go home and sleep through afternoon
dream you’re a king
and forget you were dreaming
 
if you wake
it will be uneasily
 
you will refill the flask
and still not know
it has grown dark
 
the parks are empty.

[Cousin Kil]

ContainedI think this is a fantastic title

the thing about a hip-flask Hyphen is unnecessary, I believe
is it says a lot about you—
much more than your shoes I like this.
 
you don’t have a meet-cute Had to google what "meet cute" was, maybe I'm dumb. Also, hyphen is unnecessary again, I believe. I like how "meet-cute" matches up with "hip-flask" in the first line, but I'm not sure that you'd need the hyphen to get that correlation recognized.
with a young mother
in the park at 10am—
spring or fall
 
you go home and sleep through afternoon
dream you’re a king
and forget you were dreaming I want more from these three lines. Not a lot of color to them, though the idea is great and well communicated
 
if you wake
it will be uneasily
 
you will refill the flask
and still not know
it has grown dark
 
the parks are empty. Fantastic finish

There's not much I can complain about in this piece, above are just a few observations.
All in all, I really dig this one. Thanks for the read.
Cousin

[Tiger the Lion]

ContainedI think this is a fantastic title

the thing about a hip-flask Hyphen is unnecessary, I believe
is it says a lot about you—
much more than your shoes I like this.
 
you don’t have a meet-cute Had to google what "meet cute" was, maybe I'm dumb. Also, hyphen is unnecessary again, I believe. I like how "meet-cute" matches up with "hip-flask" in the first line, but I'm not sure that you'd need the hyphen to get that correlation recognized.
with a young mother
in the park at 10am—
spring or fall
 
you go home and sleep through afternoon
dream you’re a king
and forget you were dreaming I want more from these three lines. Not a lot of color to them, though the idea is great and well communicated
 
if you wake
it will be uneasily
 
you will refill the flask
and still not know
it has grown dark
 
the parks are empty. Fantastic finish

There's not much I can complain about in this piece, above are just a few observations.
All in all, I really dig this one. Thanks for the read.
Cousin

Thanks Cousin. You are probably right about both hyphens. I will probably exclude them when I post an edit. I actually learned the term meet cute from a crit here awhile back. I liked the unlikelihood of it in real life. I am still thinking on how I might add colour to the section you mentioned. I wanted this dry but maybe it's too dry? It's actually the whole refilling bit that's bugging me now. When I fix that I will put an edit up. 
Thanks for your input,
Paul

[Wjames]

Contained

the thing about a hip-flask
is it says a lot about you—
much more than your shoes
 
you don’t have a meet-cute
with a young mother
in the park at 10am—
spring or fall I don't think this line adds anything.
 
you go home and sleep through afternoon
dream you’re a king
and forget you were dreaming
 
if you wake
it will be uneasily
 
you will refill the flask
and still not know
it has grown dark
 
the parks are empty.

I really like the poem, I think it works well. Conversational in a way I could actually picture someone saying.

[rayheinrich]

Contained

the thing about a hip-flask
is it says a lot about you—
much more than your shoes
 
you don’t have a meet-cute
with a young mother
in the park at 10am—
spring or fall
 
you go home and sleep through afternoon
dream you’re a king
and forget you were dreaming
 
if you wake
it will be uneasily
 
you will refill the flask
and still not know
it has grown dark
 
the parks are empty.

I do like this poem. I had an alcoholic aunt who always had two on her. One in her
purse and another herd by a garter under her dress.

I agree with Wjames: "spring or fall" doesn't add enough to keep it in.

I'd want to like "the parks are empty" as it's such a profound-sounding line.
But no, it just sounds too pretentious.
I'd get a line that matches the content of the rest of the poem, or I'd  end it with the first two lines:
"the thing about a hip-flask
is it says a lot about you—"

Doing a crude Google search, I find "hip flask" much more prevalent than "hipflask".
"Hip-flask" is almost nonexistent.

So I'd use "hip flask".

"Meet cute" is more prevalent than "meet-cute".
"Meet-cute" is always a noun.
"Meet cute" is used as both a noun and a verb/adverb combination (even though "meet cutely" is grammatically correct).

I think "meet cute" looks better.

Meet cute:

Most sources say it was originated by movie script writers around 1940.

From Wiki:
" In George Axelrod's play "Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?" (1955), a character explains:
"Dear boy, the beginning of a movie is childishly simple. The boy and girl meet. The only important
thing to remember is that—in a movie—the boy and the girl must meet in some cute way.
They cannot meet like normal people. If they meet at a cocktail party, one must spill their drink
on the other; if one hales a cab, the other must hale the same one so that they can get into an
argument over it. ... "

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for the input guys. I have posted a minor credited edit. The hyphens were for symmetry but simply didn't float. Thanks for the correction. "spring or fall" may have been an indulgent line. - Thanks for noticing- it's gone.

Ray: The fact that I still like the last line while you find it pretentious concerns me deeply. Not for the sake of this poem, but for the sake of my writing in general. I have a lot of last lines not unlike this one and if they all have an element of pretense I'd much rather know about it and adjust. ( in this case I've left the last line, not to be stubborn but because as of yet I have no fix )

"if you don't pretend
and I don't pretend
pretending might end-
but pretend can pretend to end"
Gord Downie

[rayheinrich]

Thanks for the input guys. I have posted a minor credited edit. The hyphens were for symmetry but simply didn't float. Thanks for the correction. "spring or fall" may have been an indulgent line. - Thanks for noticing- it's gone.

Ray: The fact that I still like the last line while you find it pretentious concerns me deeply. Not for the sake of this poem, but for the sake of my writing in general. I have a lot of last lines not unlike this one and if they all have an element of pretense I'd much rather know about it and adjust. ( in this case I've left the last line, not to be stubborn but because as of yet I have no fix )

"if you don't pretend
and I don't pretend
pretending might end-
but pretend can pretend to end"
Gord Downie

I really shouldn't have termed it pretentious; that was going too far.
It was more along the line of it seeming too literary. But on re-reading it, it works well.  
I guess my perception was a bit marginal the last time I read it.
Ray

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for the input guys. I have posted a minor credited edit. The hyphens were for symmetry but simply didn't float. Thanks for the correction. "spring or fall" may have been an indulgent line. - Thanks for noticing- it's gone.

Ray: The fact that I still like the last line while you find it pretentious concerns me deeply. Not for the sake of this poem, but for the sake of my writing in general. I have a lot of last lines not unlike this one and if they all have an element of pretense I'd much rather know about it and adjust. ( in this case I've left the last line, not to be stubborn but because as of yet I have no fix )

"if you don't pretend
and I don't pretend
pretending might end-
but pretend can pretend to end"
Gord Downie

I really shouldn't have termed it pretentious; that was going too far.
It was more along the line of it seeming too literary. But on re-reading it, it works well.  
I guess my perception was a bit marginal the last time I read it.
Ray

Thanks Ray. Of course, I wasn't looking for a concession here. Your poetic instincts are always bang on, so if/when they conflict with mine I cannot make sense of the world (too pretentious) I get concerned. Even if it was just a first blurt, it is still something to think about. Endings are important and tricky. 

if I cannot affect the end
where should I begin?

Paul

[rayheinrich]

Thanks Ray. Of course, I wasn't looking for a concession here. Your poetic instincts are always bang on, so if/when they conflict with mine I cannot make sense of the world (too pretentious) I get concerned. Even if it was just a first blurt, it is still something to think about. Endings are important and tricky. 

if I cannot affect the end
where should I begin?

Paul

I really don't know.
Endings (death) can certainly be feared... or a relief; I guess it depends on how much you've suffered.