Thought Process

[elviaje26]

Second edited edition-






Lifeless Headspace



I can’t think
Get away everyone
Get away

I am laid down in my tent
Alone deep in the Montana wilderness
Far from any distractions
Order Meaning Life shall now abound

And it starts
The silence is boisterous

A Geico television AD
One of those 15 second ones
It starts out with a bald guy in it and then it surprises you and says
Geico 15 minutes can save you 15 percent or more on car insurance...

Raymond Barone comes home to his family from work
He is a sports column writer in Chicago
He took the long way home
And then his kids run towards him and hug him…

Reminiscing my cousin Mike
I would like to share some of his rum
And listen to him play the guitar
and listen about his girlfriend Kaitlin
He knows me...

The television memories
Have no significance

My aimless mind
Brings about only mere fiction
My cousin and I
In all reality
Are mere acquaintances...

The fierce blankness of the air deludes my mind even more
It is so critical
So relevant
So meaningful
It does not matter
I am dead

Touch me
Hear me
Need me

Come close to me
everyone
Come close





Original poem-


Thought Process
 
Chatter
Aimlessness
Chatter
Purposelessness
 
I can’t think
Get away everyone
Get away
 
I lay down in my tent
Alone in the Montana wilderness
A half days hike from any road
Far from any distractions
Now finally
Order
Meaning
Life
Shall now abound
 
The silence is boisterous
 
A Geico television AD
One of those 15 second ones
It starts out with a bald guy in it and then it surprises you and says
Geico 15 minutes can save you 15 percent or more on car insurance
 
Reminiscing my cousin Mike
And how I miss his company
How I would like to share some of his rum
And listen to him play the guitar
And listen about his girlfriend Kaitlin
He knows me
 
Raymond Barone comes home from his job
He writes sports columns for the newspaper in Chicago
He took the long way home
And then his kids run toward him and hug him
 
 
My aimless mind
Brings about only mere fiction
My cousin and I
In all reality
Are mere acquaintances
 
The television memories
Have no significance
 
The fierce blankness of the air
Deludes my mind even more
So critical
So relevant
So meaningful
It does not matter
I am dead
 
Touch me
Hear me
Need me
 
Come close to me
Everyone
Come close

[Weeded]

Thought Process
 
Chatter
Aimlessness
Chatter
Purposelessness This stanza seems unnecessarily long for what you're trying to say. Maybe take out a 'Chatter' and take out either aimlessness or purposelessness (they're synonyms in this context, anyway)
 
I can’t think
Get away everyone
Get away The lack of punctuation in this stanza (along with the whole poem) makes it difficult to convey the narrators mood. I wanna see an ! At the end of this line but I'm not sure if that's the intention.
 
I lay down in my tent
Alone in the Montana wilderness Now we're getting somewhere. This would be a better place to begin the poem imo.
A half days hike from any road
Far from any distractions
Now finally
Order
Meaning
Life
Shall now abound
 
The silence is boisterous I see what you're trying to do here... Not sure if I agree with it, however.
 
A Geico television AD
One of those 15 second ones
It starts out with a bald guy in it and then it surprises you and says
Geico 15 minutes can save you 15 percent or more on car insurance Where in the world did this stanza come from? I thought the narrator was alone in Montana wilderness 
 
Reminiscing my cousin Mike Hey! My name's Mike! Oh wait, sorry this is supposed to be crit um excellent name! 
And how I miss his company
How I would like to share some of his rum
And listen to him play the guitar
And listen about his girlfriend Kaitlin
He knows me This last line doesn't seem to fit with the rest. 
 
Raymond Barone comes home from his job
He writes sports columns for the newspaper in Chicago
He took the long way home My favorite line of the poem here.
And then his kids run toward him and hug him I kinda see how this poems working, the title helps. Just wish there was a little more connectedness between the stanzas so far.
 
 
My aimless mind
Brings about only mere fiction
My cousin and I
In all reality
Are mere acquaintances Ah here it goes. I know you're trying to portray a linear/literal description of the narrators thought process but I feel like the point is lost by the time we reach the connection here.
 
The television memories
Have no significance Yeahhh, maybe switch these into the middle, or show more evidence of the thoughts actually 'processing' in the above stanzas. This stanza doesn't seem right here.
 
The fierce blankness of the air
Deludes my mind even more
So critical 
So relevant
So meaningful These three lines seem a tad redundant, they all start with 'so' and are practically synonyms of one another.
It does not matter
I am dead Dead how? Mentally, physically, literally, figuratively? 
 
Touch me
Hear me
Need me Hm...
 
Come close to me
Everyone
Come close I like the way the poem ends with contrast to the beginning, however there's so much going on in between I have no understanding of how the narrators thought process came to this. That geico thing really threw me for a loop too; I know you're trying to make it authentic as possible, but I feel like that whole stanza could've been expressed in a single line. I'd recommend consolidating the random parts of the poem and either focus more on what led to the narrators difference in feeling from beginning to end, Orr include more randomness. A lot more. A creative approach, nonetheless.

[Genuinebloke]

I am new to the forum, new to critique and pretty new to poetry, so I will simply offer my general overview after reading, and then re-reading, your piece.

First up, really interesting subject matter and tone. It had a slightly surreal thread running through, coupled with paradoxical feelings of claustrophobia and wide-open space. That really worked for me.

There were small sections which felt slightly wordy. Not excessively so, just not quite smooth-flowing. For example:

"I am laid down in my tent" - I am laid down in seems a syllable too far, though I get that it conveys a certain meaning, it just seems clunky in conjunction with the following sentence "Alone deep in the Montana wilderness".
"Far from any distractions", any feels superfluous
"Order Meaning Life shall now abound" - Then this is a very strong sentence which might benefit from a smoother lead in.

I'll leave you with that for starters, though I'd also emphasise that the revised version is certainly superior to it's predecessor.