Monthly Disorders

[Keith]

Edit 1 (Vanilla)

The month of October is fucking me over,
there’s a trail of clothes that she wore
but she doesn’t care, she’s just dyed her hair
and her towels are wet on my floor.

She’s losing weight at a very fast rate
her appearance is becoming stick thin.
Of course it’s not fine, I've known a long time
that her leaves get thrown in my bin.

But what about me and my OCD,
I want to put everything straight.
There’s too much crap been dropped in my lap,
anxiety eats from my plate.

Roll on the render that’s brought by December
and the falling flakes of dry skin.
With everything white I’ll itch in the night
as eczemas starts to move in.


Original

The month of October is pushing me over,
there’s a trail of clothes that she wore
but she doesn’t care, she’s just dyed her hair
and her towels are wet on my floor.

She’s been losing weight at a very fast rate
her appearance is becoming stick thin.
Of course  it’s all fine I know it’s that time
for the seasons to end and begin

But what about me and my OCD,
I want to put everything straight.
There’s too much crap been dropped in my lap,
anxiety swirls at my gate.

Roll on the render that’s brought by December
and the falling flakes of dead skin.
With everything white I’ll keep calm at night
and October will mulch in my bin.

[vanilla]

The month of October is pushing me over,
there’s a trail of clothes that she wore
but she doesn’t care, she’s just dyed her hair
and her towels are wet on my floor. --here is a rhyme that is effortless and flows. it shows how there are other things on her mind, your OCD not being one of them.

She’s been losing weight at a very fast rate
her appearance is becoming stick thin.
Of course  it’s all fine I know it’s that time
for the seasons to end and begin --here are the seasons ending and winter coming in a sign of a troubling time for her and for you rolling in? I wish you would pull out this metaphor if there is one, or explain her weight loss more and why you're fine with it.

But what about me and my OCD,
I want to put everything straight.
There’s too much crap been dropped in my lap,
anxiety swirls at my gate. --here the rhyme seems a bit forced. I feel like something about "on my plate" would be more suitable than "at my gate", but try to avoid a forced rhyme or a cliche if you can.

Roll on the render that’s brought by December
and the falling flakes of dead skin. --I love this raw imagery. The dryness of winter is hitting here.
With everything white I’ll keep calm at night
and October will mulch in my bin. --this rhyme again seems a bit forced. also, why will you keep calm at night if there's anxiety swirling at your gate?

[Keith]

The month of October is pushing me over,
there’s a trail of clothes that she wore
but she doesn’t care, she’s just dyed her hair
and her towels are wet on my floor. --here is a rhyme that is effortless and flows. it shows how there are other things on her mind, your OCD not being one of them.

She’s been losing weight at a very fast rate
her appearance is becoming stick thin.
Of course  it’s all fine I know it’s that time
for the seasons to end and begin --here are the seasons ending and winter coming in a sign of a troubling time for her and for you rolling in? I wish you would pull out this metaphor if there is one, or explain her weight loss more and why you're fine with it.

But what about me and my OCD,
I want to put everything straight.
There’s too much crap been dropped in my lap,
anxiety swirls at my gate. --here the rhyme seems a bit forced.  I feel like something about "on my plate" would be more suitable than "at my gate", but try to avoid a forced rhyme or a cliche if you can.

Roll on the render that’s brought by December
and the falling flakes of dead skin. --I love this raw imagery.  The dryness of winter is hitting here.
With everything white I’ll keep calm at night
and October will mulch in my bin. --this rhyme again seems a bit forced.  also, why will you keep calm at night if there's anxiety swirling at your gate?

Hi Vanilla
Thank you for your comments I was thinking how scruffy everything looks in the garden on the roads at this time of year (uk) changing colours, wet leaves on the ground, trees stripped back to bare branches, I would keep calm because snow smooths over everything making it neat and tidy, until the slush comes then God save all of us hindered by OCD I pray for sunshine and thick plump trees to keep me calm again. Best Keith

[Keith]

Made an Edit and because its October......Bump