Scotch's First Piece

[HardScotch]

I feel like ive know you for a very long time,
even since before we were children.
In the life before, and before that, further down the line,
when the world was just a lonely mountain.

I peer beyond the darkness, into another previous life,
And I am in a meadow, full of flowers, and tree full of green leaves.
The sun is spring time yellow, there is no chaos, no strife.
I am humbled by the sight, and the amount beauty this place recieves.

Then I see you, as this heavenly angel, in a bright white dress.
Coming down the mountain to play in the meadow.
Your movements are made in finesse, a gift of the goddess.
So familiar to me, but my memory is a shell, a silent echo.

I am this dandelion, so i cant remember where i met you before.
Then you see me, i can feel you gaze into my heart and soul.
Your smile comforts me, as you pick me out of my soil and core.
Out of all the other flowers, I am happy that you picked me from my grassy knoll.

Your gentle breath tickles me, as you whisper to me your wishes.
I tell you i will make your dreams come true,
Then you blow me away, high above the tree, sending me kisses.
And I dont care how high I am, I am happy to have just met you.

I land gently in your hand, after what seems like eternity,
Granting your one and only wish that I return
I recognize this feeling, when im with you, its called serenity.
Even if i lose myself through the ages, I always remember our hearts burn.


First off, this poem does not have a title. I am open to suggestions for a name for this particular piece. It is in its first draft and i would like to workshop and polish this piece to perfection for public display. Seeing as how i am very rusty at my creative writing i would like more experienced poets to analyze this piece as a creative writing instructor would. I couldnt figure out how to end the last stanza, and i would like some help there. thanks in advance pig pen poets.

[Mark A Becker]

Ok Scotch-

First off, what' the story? Really- have a real story: beginning- middle - end. Seems like you are on the right track, there.

Read your poem/story aloud, and listen closely. This will help you with the meter. If you're listening hard enough, you'll know where to add/subtract words.

Poetry is also called VERSE. Why? Because, the root of the term "verse" means "to turn", and a poem, unlike prose, allows the writer to turn the lines at any time.

In the olden days, a typewriter would automatically insert a carriage return, and most word procs will turn at the margin settings. But, AHA! Not so with verse. You have the magical power to turn a line wherever you want. This is a very powerful poetic device.

Let's pick a random stanza and try it:
Your breath tickles me, as you whisper
your wishes, I tell you that I can make dreams come true.
You blow me away, above all the trees, sending me
kisses, and I'm so high I could fall from the sky over you.

Oh no! you say, I've ruined your end-rhyme scheme. Broke it a bit, but if the meter holds true, then the internal rhymes can fall into place. It's your poem-- I'm just trying to give an example on the fly.

Beware forced rhymes, and you have several in here. C'mon, you know where there are. Go back and fix them.

"More is less" : please remove any and all unnecessary words. Print it out and look at the page... see how uneven it is? Too many words, my friend.

Watch out for the cliches, and you have a bunch of 'em: "seems like an eternity"

Watch the grammar (at least a little) and be consistent: you have a lot of mixed cases (little "i" big "I") Please fix this.

Yep, you gotta fix that ending, because readers, like me, will instantly read it as if you are sick to your stomach ("hearts burn" and "heartburn" are too close for comfort).

That'll be enough to get you to round two, I hope. Let's see the revision, and others can help you work it from there.

Thanks!
... Mark

[MattVoscinar]

I think the most important steps to improving these poems are:

1) Fix the spelling, capitalization and apostrophe issues: I’ve, known, I, I’m, etc.
2) The biggest thing is cutting out unnecessary wording.

• [Then I see you, as this heavenly angel, in a bright white dress.]

• Remove “I” “as this” and “in.” This may not seem like much, but doing this type of editing throughout the piece will increase its readability.

3) Mark is correct in pointing out the forced rhymes. This piece feels constricted by your attempts to follow a rigid scheme. Consider removing rhyme altogether and seeing what word choices are opened up to you.

---

Making these changes will drastically improve the poem as a whole and lead you to a much clearer piece. I hope to see a revised edition in the future!

[billy]

it's your poem, you find the title

i'll reiterate the inconsistent upper lower case, one or the other, i or I
get a spell checker; while some words get through recieves would not one of them [receives]
the piece is wordy. strip out any phrase or word that adds nothing; things like [I feel like]
on the first line you use know instead of known, keep an eye on such thing as the first line is one of the most important. replace these parts of the poem with original imaginative parts, or leave them out all together. replace as many cliches as possible with original parts.
it's don't, not [dont]

strip away most of the last verse and work with the parts that actually create an image, eternity, serenity, wish...this is the base but you have to be original and too the point. i land gently in your hand could be used but don't bury it with the silt of the mundanity.

I feel like ive know you for a very long time,
even since before we were children.
In the life before, and before that, further down the line, this line isn't really needed
when the world was just a lonely mountain. this is what you need to aim for, it's a good image of age.

I peer beyond the darkness, into another previous life, another and previous mean the same more or less in this use
And I am in a meadow, full of flowers, and tree full of green leaves.
The sun is spring time yellow, there is no chaos, no strife.
I am humbled by the sight, and the amount beauty this place recieves.

Then I see you, as this heavenly angel, in a bright white dress.
Coming down the mountain to play in the meadow.
Your movements are made in finesse, a gift of the goddess.
So familiar to me, but my memory is a shell, a silent echo.

I am this dandelion, so i cant remember where i met you before.
Then you see me, i can feel you gaze into my heart and soul.
Your smile comforts me, as you pick me out of my soil and core.
Out of all the other flowers, I am happy that you picked me from my grassy knoll.

Your gentle breath tickles me, as you whisper to me your wishes.
I tell you i will make your dreams come true,
Then you blow me away, high above the tree, sending me kisses.
And I dont care how high I am, I am happy to have just met you.

I land gently in your hand, after what seems like eternity,
Granting your one and only wish that I return
I recognize this feeling, when im with you, its called serenity.
Even if i lose myself through the ages, I always remember our hearts burn.


First off, this poem does not have a title. I am open to suggestions for a name for this particular piece. It is in its first draft and i would like to workshop and polish this piece to perfection for public display. Seeing as how i am very rusty at my creative writing i would like more experienced poets to analyze this piece as a creative writing instructor would. I couldnt figure out how to end the last stanza, and i would like some help there. thanks in advance pig pen poets.

[thewatson]

I really like the idea of this poem. Although, the meter is quite off, and just a few of the rhymes seemed somewhat forced. The rhythm and meter can be fixed by simply adding or subtracting if you words, or switching the "isn't", too "is not" for example. When revising my poems, sometimes I add a word like "and" or "I" at the beginning of a line in a stanza just so that when you read the poem out loud there's a rhythm to it, a.k.a. (what I understand to be meter)..

If this were my poem, and I wanted to rewrite the last stanza it would go a little something like this:

Landing gently in your hand, after what seems like eternity,
granting your one and only wish that one day I return.
A recognizable feeling, when I'm with you its called serenity.
If I lose myself, I'll always consider, everything about you I wish I could learn

However, keep in mind I'm just a beginner, but when I set out for rhyme scheme, I prefer them to be exact rhymes..
Therefore, I probably would not use the words he turned a T and serenity. Although they are very appropriate, I don't know, there's just something about not exact rhymes that barge me.

But overall the symbolic meaning of the poem is excellent. I think that with a few revisions this could be a great piece of work..