Release

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Feel free to tear it up!



A tag on a scarf
attached with a pin.
A patch of hidden fabric,
drenched in red sin.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello alittle-

No tearing, just wanna point some things out.  First, the meter is a bit odd for such a short piece.    

L.1&2: both lines end with anapests ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. They race right ahead into L.3, which is: ba-doom, ba-ding, ka-bong-a  -/-/--/  (2 iambs + anapest), and then stop.

L.4:  /-// ends on a spondee.  Though the end spondee adds force, it adds it to an obscure image. Is "red sin" blood? Lipstick?  If you're gonna stick me with pin, then it needs to make sense.  Otherwise you're just getting me stuck.

I hate to say it but it seems as if someone was putting a name tag on another someone, and accidentally stuck him/her with a pin.  When that popped into my head I thought, "what's the big deal?  That's no 'red sin'- it's an honest mistake."

Be careful with the short ones.  You never know what a reader may make of 'em,
... Mark

[Vastile]

Well, I'm not quite as technically versed as Mr. Becker, but I'll give you my opinion, if you'll have it.

It might not be necessary, but I think that any creative piece needs a reason to exist. Now, as the reader, I'm not sure I can adequately understand the meaning behind or the reason for this piece existing, past a technical exercise.

I know it might not be much, but it's all I've got for this piece.

[TheOnlyRedSmurf]

I have read this twice, and the first question I ask is "where is the rest of it?"
I'm also not unsure that the four lines should not be two longer ones.
This again to me suggests that this is only a fragment of a longer piece.
I do like the last line, very punchy for such a short line.

[crow]

i.might.be.a.bit.sad,

Is "Feel free to tear it up!" part of the poem? It works if it is, doesn't if it's not. The tension between "free" and "sin" orients me. Otw, I'm lost, too.

Here's why: the words here can each be construed in several ways, so I'm left with one of those top-middle-bottom children's books where you can, you know, make the man in the sweatervest into the man in the jacket by flipping the middle panel.

That was a dumb analogy.

What I meant was there's too many permutations to consider and no apparent payoff. So, for instance, release can mean at least these four things: renew a contract for temporary possession, to let go of an object, to waive rights, and a relaxation of muscular or emotional tension. And the word "release" can be a verb or a noun.

That's fine, no problem, that's just the way English tends to be, *except* each definition as either a noun or a verb can be made to fit the poem. It'd be too laborious to give any comprehensive examples, but consider that "red" in the context here could be blood, dye, "read" by poetic homonym, or ink. All of those work with sin—taken in order, the sin of drawing or betraying blood, the sin of mislaundering red with white fabrics, the sin of reading a forbidden document, and the sin of signing a contract with an illegal or malicious purpose. And each of those meanings works with every construction of the title.

And that's amazing *except*, like I said, I don't see a payoff. If the poem were about permutations, maybe. If "Feel free to tear it up!" were part of the poem, maybe. As is, I can't find it.