The Day Before It Ended (Revision 2-3-13)

[Todd]

Thanks for weighing in, Ella.

Appreciated,

Todd

[FindingJune]

I want to read the first stanzas like:

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.

In a litany of root canals and laundry,
groceries and endless
soccer games,

you spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit. I am not a fan of this stanza. I want more from it. I feel the disconnect that you weren't really listening and all you heard was mangoes and island, I get that, but it just feels "eh". Everything else is so good. Hmmm...maybe...

"you mention that place
you'd read about,
some island with mangoes
and sand between your toes
that you'd like to visit"

Mentioning versus speaking of give more of an 'in passing' feel? The rest is swoon worthy.

[Todd]

Amanda,

Let me give some thought to that stanza--see if I can elevate it while leaving the speaker disengaged. Mention is a better choice I agree.

Appreciate the time you spent with it. Thank you.

Best,

Todd

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Todd-

Upon looking up the Leidenfrost Effect I think you may be too attracted by the musicality of the term. It does sound really cool.

I don't know of too many people who will know what to make of that title without looking it up. That's asking a lot before a reader even starts the poem.

Perhaps there are words within the definition that could be useful.

I know better than to flat out suggest a title (which is really my way of saying, "heck, I don't know").

Since I have not gone through the progression of comments/revisions, my fresh eyes may be helpful.

Perhaps later, as I'm too distracted right now by the NATS vs PIRATES game, and my fragmented attention will not provide anything worthwhile.

Til then, thanks for the brilliant read on my first time through. I really appreciate the subdued, disconnected feel of the language in this piece in relation to its subject matter.

,,, Mark Becker

[Todd]

Thanks Mark, I appreciate the thought you took, and the comments. I'll put the title in my bin of potentials and not attach it to this poem.

Thanks,

Todd