The Day Before It Ended (Revision 2-3-13)

[Todd]

Revision 2

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread

in a litany of root canals and laundry,
groceries and endless
soccer games.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit.

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing.

~~~
Considering Title Change: To "The Leidenfrost Effect" reason for the bump.

Revision

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.

The sum of our equation
had become
the root canal, the laundry, the groceries,
and endless soccer games.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit.

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing.



Original

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
while our mouths chewed
the words between us
like stale bread.

The sum of our equation
had become the root
canal, the laundry, the grocery list,
and endless soccer games.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
some island somewhere,
something about mangos—
which you might like to visit.

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss had become faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing.

[billy]

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
while our mouths chewed
the words between us
like stale bread. [i like the opening but for me it feels a little drawn out, would the last three lines work better as; the words like stale bread. 'between us' feels redundant because of the "our"]

The sum of our equation
had become the root
canal, the laundry, the grocery list, [the enjambment of root canal feel awkward]
and endless soccer games. [this stanza feels short and tight, my fave]

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
some island somewhere,
something about mangos—
which you might like to visit. [i like the mundane quality with this stanza.]

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss had become faded:
a postmark on a letter [excellent metaphor]
from people
we no longer knew.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing. [nice closing]

the title is great, apart from the root canal it flows great.
and i think i've heard the last line before though i can't remember were; it fit perfectly.

a good read that would be really good with a small edit. thanks for the read todd [jmo]

[Todd]

Thanks Billy. I'll make some adjustments you raise some good points.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

This revision was a long time coming. Sometimes it just takes putting it down for awhile.

[addy]

Good edit... it further emphasized the restraint in the words of the piece, those glimmers of interest dutifully smothered by vagueness. Indeed, too much flair would detract from it. Expertly done.

[billy]

although the edit is small it makes a difference for me.

the first two stanza read much better.
nice edit todd, they feel much tighter.

[critical mass]

Todd

Revision

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.

The sum of our equation
had become
the root canal, the laundry, the groceries,...thought you were heading toward half mathimatical descriptions her...ie..square root..etc. laundry threw me off. I shouldn't write as I read.

and endless soccer games.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit.
This stanza stops the poem. ....that place, something about, some island and you might like...This may be intentional to show that you are bored but it stops the flow for me. jmo

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing


Like the rest of this.

The more I read the third stanza the more I think it was intentional and the more I like it.

Very nice writing.

Could use some rhyme tho. Hehe.

David

[Todd]

Good edit... it further emphasized the restraint in the words of the piece, those glimmers of interest dutifully smothered by vagueness. Indeed, too much flair would detract from it. Expertly done.

Thank you addy I appreciate the comments. This has always felt like more of a mood piece to me. I'm glad I'm not moving further away on revision (which happens more times than I would like)

although the edit is small it makes a difference for me.

the first two stanza read much better.
nice edit todd, they feel much tighter.

I appreciate you looking at this again Billy. Thank you.

Todd

Revision

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.

The sum of our equation
had become
the root canal, the laundry, the groceries,...thought you were heading toward half mathimatical descriptions her...ie..square root..etc. laundry threw me off. I shouldn't write as I read.

and endless soccer games.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit.
This stanza stops the poem. ....that place, something about, some island and you might like...This may be intentional to show that you are bored but it stops the flow for me. jmo

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing


Like the rest of this.

The more I read the third stanza the more I think it was intentional and the more I like it.

Very nice writing.

Could use some rhyme tho. Hehe.

David

Hi David,

Appreciate the comments. So, yes I was originally going mathematical with that root equation thing. I came to the conclusion though that I was being too cute with the line break so I toned it back on the revision.

I'll set this one down a bit for distance and reread the mangoes stanza and consider what you said about flow (it is intentional as you said, but it may not be the most effective choice). I'll make a conclusion on it after I've let it sit for a month. I know it grew on you, but it's still worth reflecting on.

I'll see what I can do about the rhyme

Thank you for the time you spent going over it.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

I do slow revisions sometimes. I mostly felt the need to change S2.

[Stalker]

I love this Todd - perfect - gentle - sorrowfuk.

[Todd]

Hey, thank you Stalker. Its always good to get revision feedback.

Much appreciated,

Todd

[billy]

i think you're at that leave it alone point, i like it as is and the way you workshopped it todd. in parts it's sad but not too sad, it has an inevitability about it. good job

[Todd]

Thanks Billy. These poems tend to hibernate for a year between revisions so we'll see how this iteration plays out. Thanks for checking in again.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Hi Todd, how are things? This poem reads very nicely. It reminds me of some American mid west novel, you know the scene just before something big happens; the uneventful scene that the writer makes sound really good, even though notting is happening. But really it all feels a bit brown or gray. Also I really love the ending. Great job

[tectak]

Revision 2

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale breadstruggling to find nits, here, todd. Small point and a common one. Confilct of terms in your metaphor BUT the intent is clear. Chewing
is a verb, bread is a noun. So chewing is like bread? "The words we chewed were like stale bread" or "we chewed words as we would stale bread",;.As I said, pedantic but it is very good enough as it is.

in a litany of root canals and laundry,is this a continuation of the sentence in last stanza? I will keep on asking, why the gap? What is it for? Should I have a coffee in between? How do you see this pause?
groceries and endless
soccer games.......but again, it is saved by its hallmark. It is gold

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit. not the best stanza. Whistfully constructed and possibly apposite for all that. I am left a little unsure of the craft in this. My problem

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter i can sigh into this line. Very pensive
from people
we no longer knew. you are in a tense tense region,here. I want it to be "...from people we no longer know" but you do not. Trouble is, I don't know what you do want it to be

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing. so little here but meaning so much. Clever

Your stuff really benefits from workshopping. The edit is excellent and I am just being picky. Very well done.
Best,
tectak

Revision

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.

The sum of our equation
had become
the root canal, the laundry, the groceries,
and endless soccer games.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit.

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing.



Original

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
while our mouths chewed
the words between us
like stale bread.

The sum of our equation
had become the root
canal, the laundry, the grocery list,
and endless soccer games.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
some island somewhere,
something about mangos—
which you might like to visit.

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss had become faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing.

[Todd]

Hi Todd, how are things? This poem reads very nicely. It reminds me of some American mid west novel, you know the scene just before something big happens; the uneventful scene that the writer makes sound really good, even though notting is happening. But really it all feels a bit brown or gray. Also I really love the ending. Great job

Things are good Jae, thanks. Brown or gray sounds good to me. Thanks for the comments.

Best,

Todd

---

Hey I appreciate the comments. The reason I continue to tweak this is it feels close to me, but not quite on. Discussion below:

[quote='Todd' pid='46152' dateline='1291835385']
Revision 2

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale breadstruggling to find nits, here, todd. Small point and a common one. Confilct of terms in your metaphor BUT the intent is clear. Chewing
is a verb, bread is a noun. So chewing is like bread? "The words we chewed were like stale bread" or "we chewed words as we would stale bread",;.As I said, pedantic but it is very good enough as it is.

You're keying in on points that have annoyed me in the poem. I personally hate the repetition of we in the beginning of the line though I know its technically correct with the tense change. I have thought about "Chewing words as we would stale bread" The as feels write in that construction though to be honest I'm not sure what's better at the moment. I'm a play piano by ear sort of writer and I know it gets me into trouble sometimes.

in a litany of root canals and laundry,is this a continuation of the sentence in last stanza? I will keep on asking, why the gap? What is it for? Should I have a coffee in between? How do you see this pause?
groceries and endless
soccer games.......but again, it is saved by its hallmark. It is gold

The strophe break is here because when I edited and decided to continue on into this section I wanted the slowness of how painfully slow the conversation was going. It could be that it doesn't work. There are other constructions I've considered. First three strophes connected, then break for S4, then break for the last two lines.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit. not the best stanza. Whistfully constructed and possibly apposite for all that. I am left a little unsure of the craft in this. My problem

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter i can sigh into this line. Very pensive
from people
we no longer knew. you are in a tense tense region,here. I want it to be "...from people we no longer know" but you do not. Trouble is, I don't know what you do want it to be

I'll put know on the list and consider it. Like I've said I'm so glacially slow with rewrites, all these things just need to sit in my head for awhile.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing. so little here but meaning so much. Clever

Your stuff really benefits from workshopping. The edit is excellent and I am just being picky. Very well done.
Best,
tectak

Thank you.

[Stalker]

Hi Todd, how are things? This poem reads very nicely. It reminds me of some American mid west novel, you know the scene just before something big happens; the uneventful scene that the writer makes sound really good, even though notting is happening. But really it all feels a bit brown or gray. Also I really love the ending. Great job

Things are good Jae, thanks. Brown or gray sounds good to me. Thanks for the comments.

Best,

Todd

---

Hey I appreciate the comments. The reason I continue to tweak this is it feels close to me, but not quite on. Discussion below:

[quote='Todd' pid='46152' dateline='1291835385']
Revision 2

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale breadstruggling to find nits, here, todd. Small point and a common one. Confilct of terms in your metaphor BUT the intent is clear. Chewing
is a verb, bread is a noun. So chewing is like bread? "The words we chewed were like stale bread" or "we chewed words as we would stale bread",;.As I said, pedantic but it is very good enough as it is.

I cannot see what is wrong with this - it is modern usage innit? - you could change it to chewing on stale words or something.

You're keying in on points that have annoyed me in the poem. I personally hate the repetition of we in the beginning of the line though I know its technically correct with the tense change. I have thought about "Chewing words as we would stale bread" The as feels write in that construction though to be honest I'm not sure what's better at the moment. I'm a play piano by ear sort of writer and I know it gets me into trouble sometimes.

in a litany of root canals and laundry,is this a continuation of the sentence in last stanza? I will keep on asking, why the gap? What is it for? Should I have a coffee in between? How do you see this pause?
groceries and endless
soccer games.......but again, it is saved by its hallmark. It is gold

The strophe break is here because when I edited and decided to continue on into this section I wanted the slowness of how painfully slow the conversation was going. It could be that it doesn't work. There are other constructions I've considered. First three strophes connected, then break for S4, then break for the last two lines.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit. not the best stanza. Whistfully constructed and possibly apposite for all that. I am left a little unsure of the craft in this. My problem

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush. => if i had to question something, which I don't but apparently I am going to, it would be the word light here. There are other words that could convey more, perhaps token, or routine, or careless. Light kisses are sometimes exchanged by ardent lovers, or parents, they are not without their meaning.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter i can sigh into this line. Very pensive
from people
we no longer knew. you are in a tense tense region,here. I want it to be "...from people we no longer know" but you do not. Trouble is, I don't know what you do want it to be

again sorry I don't agree - what is wrong with no longer knew? Knew introduces the finality, it puts the 'knowing' further into the past in a way that is far more irretrieveable than 'know'.



I'll put know on the list and consider it. Like I've said I'm so glacially slow with rewrites, all these things just need to sit in my head for awhile.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing. so little here but meaning so much. Clever

Your stuff really benefits from workshopping. The edit is excellent and I am just being picky. Very well done.
Best,
tectak

Thank you.

[Todd]

Thank you for weighing in on it Stalker, and for your comment on light.

Appreciate it.

[Todd]

I was struggling to write a new poem, and I realized the issue is that poem was this one with different imagery.

No poem is ever really done (so comments are always welcome--change can always occur). Here's the main reason for the bump. I'm considering another title for this: "The Leidenfrost Effect"

Just hoped to get some opinions on that.

I don't usually bump for small edits, but I want to make sure that it still fits if I make the change.

Thanks all,

Todd

[ellajam]

"The Leidenfrost Effect":

Because I like the poem I googled and found "The Leidenfrost Effect" an interesting and evocative title, but in a list of titles I'd probably skip it and miss the poem altogether. Maybe it's more commonly known than I realize but for me I'm still liking the forthrightness of the original. This is my first impression, I haven't let it sit yet. Good google, though.

just two cents from the common folk.