Application

[Unaccoutable ignorance]

completely newbiieee, totally open to all the criticism

You start with a crowd, then
Reduce to a group.
Then it’s left with you and him. For them,
To pick and choose.

“Friends” who left with cheer and shouts,
Waving that paper (at times email), jumping up and down,
They dance their joy out
Sing happiness out loud
Even the air is sweet
Nothing could stop them now.

But you,
Still in that dark corner,
Tie yourself to the chair.
You ripped your chest open,
Carve out your bowls and heart.
With whatever other gestures needed,
To outsell yourself
Beg them that you’re special,
Creative,
Smart,
…
And many other things that are left,
As much as your long-drained dignity
Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow,
When seeing “the application is open now”.

[Erthona]

Hi, welcome to the site.

As this is in novice I'll not go into depth.

Problem 1: I'll use this one line to point out a general recurring flaw throughout the poem. It would be the opposite of the economy of words, that is, just a bunch of extraneous words that do not need to be there. Example:

"Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow" --> "when you secretly vow"

Problem 2: The idea of starting each line with a cap went out of style in the 1950's, primarily due to to things: typesetting no longer needed it, and it made it easier to read.

Problem 3: Not so clever word play. "Then it’s left with you and him. For them" Clever word play is great when done well, as it can greatly energize the poem, however, when it only causes the reader confusion as it does here and several other places. In fact this is close to a fatal flaw in this poem until it is corrected.

I was never sure if the focus was on being chosen for a job, or just filling out the application. In the first part it seemed more the first and I even thought there was going to be a baseball metaphor of choosing sides, but it seemed not to be sustained.

Best,

Dale

[Hematite12]

completely newbiieee, totally open to all the criticism

You start with a crowd, then
Reduce to a group.
Then it’s left with you and him. For them, The period doesn't make much sense, and makes the last part an incomplete sentence (if that's a stylistic decision, that's fine, but either way the period is awkward).
To pick and choose.

“Friends” who left with cheer and shouts, Why is "friends" in quotes? Fake friends? Establishes an air of the speaker's resentment towards these people, but I don't know why that's there in this stanza.
Waving that paper (at times email), jumping up and down,
They dance their joy out
Sing happiness out loud
Even the air is sweet
Nothing could stop them now. This stanza has a very nice rhythm to it.

But you,
Still in that dark corner,
Tie yourself to the chair.
You ripped your chest open, Awkward tense shifts here, and in the next line. Change this to present.
Carve out your bowls and heart.
With whatever other gestures needed,
To outsell yourself
Beg them that you’re special,
Creative,
Smart,
…
And many other things that are left,
As much as your long-drained dignity What is as much as their dignity?
Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow, A bit redundant, as was noted.
When seeing “the application is open now”. Nice, ending with a rhyme.

In reference to the other poster, while capitals have indeed gone out of style, some poets still use capitals, so make your decision to keep them or not with stylistic considerations, not out of obligatory conformity to contemporary style.

Good poem, man/woman.

[BlowMyWadsworth]

You start with a crowd, then  
Reduce to a group.
Then it’s left with you and him. For them,  Awkward line, no need for comma after them or period after him
To pick and choose.

“Friends” who left with cheer and shouts,
Waving that paper (at times email), jumping up and down,   Not a big fan of (at times email) but that's a personal opinion
They dance their joy out    Repeated use of 'out' hurts flow of lines
Sing happiness out loud
Even the air is sweet
Nothing could stop them now.

But you,
Still in that dark corner,
Tie yourself to the chair.   I love the first three lines of this stanza
You ripped your chest open,  
Carve out your bowls and heart.
With whatever other gestures needed,
To outsell yourself
Beg them that you’re special,    Is beg really the word you're looking for?
Creative,
Smart,
…
And many other things that are left,   Could be more concise
As much as your long-drained dignity   Needs explanation, feels arbitrarily put into this poem
Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow,   Again, more concise
When seeing “the application is open now”.


Not bad at all for a 'newbie'! I am a newbie myself, but I tried to be as helpful as I could with my criticism. I like how the reader is kept somewhat in the dark as to the subject manner of the poem until the last line. However, as Erthona said earlier, you may want to be more specific as to if the poem is just about filling out an application or getting a job. Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem and hope there are many more to come!

[Animal Riots Activist]

completely newbiieee, totally open to all the criticism -------woot!

You start with a crowd, then
Reduce to a group.
Then it’s left with you and him. For them,
To pick and choose. ------picking and choosing are the same thing. this is redundant.

“Friends” who left with cheer and shouts,
Waving that paper (at times email), jumping up and down, ------I like the image of waving an email. It's a bit silly, but I think it works.
They dance their joy out
Sing happiness out loud ------again, redundant. singing already implies out loud.
Even the air is sweet
Nothing could stop them now. ------cliche, but not necessarily bad or in the wrong place.

But you,
Still in that dark corner, ------ as in "remains in the dark corner" or as in "standing still in the dark corner"?
Tie yourself to the chair.
You ripped your chest open, ------how can you rip your chest open when you're tied to a chair?
Carve out your bowls and heart. ------Bowels.
With whatever other gestures needed,
To outsell yourself
Beg them that you’re special, ------this is a great line.
Creative,
Smart,
… ------I'm not 100% about the use of ellipsis here, i think a line break would work to the same effect. or maybe line break after ellipsis attached to smart.
And many other things that are left,
As much as your long-drained dignity
Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow,
When seeing “the application is open now”. ------end rhyme here is clunky because it's unaccompanied by meter.

Lots of good in this poem, but there's also a lot of polishing to be done. Modern poetic practice says to avoid cliche like the plague, but some people use it extremely effectively and creatively. There's a fair bit of cliche in here (I only pointed out some of them, PM me if you want me to point out all of them) and it's not being used in a nuanced way, but if you're a newbie, just ride whatever feels natural until you end up with a product that is spectacular. Write then read, then read, then write some more, then read, then read some more.

[buildthestars]

completely newbiieee, totally open to all the criticism

You start with a crowd, then
Reduce to a group. awkward flow and kind of a weak start
Then it’s left with you and him. For them,
To pick and choose. still awkward, I think you could use better wordplay here

“Friends” who left with cheer and shouts,
Waving that paper (at times email), jumping up and down, don't like these two lines at all
They dance their joy out
Sing happiness out loud
Even the air is sweet
Nothing could stop them now. doesn't have any punch to it

But you,
Still in that dark corner,
Tie yourself to the chair.
You ripped your chest open,
Carve out your bowls and heart. bowels*
With whatever other gestures needed,
To outsell yourself
Beg them that you’re special, "beg them that you're special" isn't really working for me here
Creative,
Smart, I would instead use a period after smart and just break to the next stanza without the ellipses. also, liked this stanza, it stuck out the most to me. you could probably use stronger imagery, but it's a good start
…
And many other things that are left,
As much as your long-drained dignity
Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow,
When seeing “the application is open now”. these two lines don't really flow

good subject to write about. I think you have the opportunity here to use a lot of fun wordplay & really engage the reader with imagery and a syntax with a good beat to it.

no need to capitalize the first letter of every line.

third stanza was the strongest. good flow, just needs a bit of editing.

nice work and I hope to see more from you.