Glass Promises

[phenomena]

Here's version 2 of the poem, hopefully it's improved some. Any further suggestions are still very much welcome

You are
a singer of polished lies,
with words flowing like a breeze.
You create glass promises,
that
   \
    break
   /
with
   \
    a
   /
single
   \
    breath.

I'm fairly new to poetry, so I apologize if this poem is an extreme mess. I'm intent on improving as much as I can. I think I may have used excessive line breaks, but I'm not sure which ones to remove...  

You are
the ghost in my head,
who whispers words I wish had gone unsaid,
You are
the singer of beautiful lies,
who creates glass promises
as delicate
as gossamer,
    glass
   /
that
   \
    broke
   /
with
   \
    a
   /
single
   \
    breath.

You said
that you were selfish,
I dismissed the notion,
it was a nonexistent blemish
in my mind.
If only I had listened then,
but I had been hopeless
in my love-tinted vision,
and thought of you as divine.

You say that I am what happiness means to you
maybe that was true,
more days than I care to count ago.
But clearly, that meaning wasn’t enough
for
you.

[Todd]

Hi phenomena, welcome to the site! Let me give you some feedback on your poem.

I'm fairly new to poetry, so I apologize if this poem is an extreme mess. I'm intent on improving as much as I can. I think I may have used excessive line breaks, but I'm not sure which ones to remove...  

We have some resources on site that talk about line breaks. Here's one I started a few years back

The Line

This is a topic that takes years to get a working knowledge of why to break a line where you do. Mostly, you have to teach yourself to be intentional in all your choices. Hopefully it helps some. I would restate line break issues here.


You are
the ghost in my head,
who whispers words I wish had gone unsaid,
You are
the singer of beautiful lies,
who creates glass promises--You have some interesting language here. I love glass promises. It gives a sense of fragility. It's a very good image.
as delicate
as gossamer,--I don't like the shift to gossamer here. It doesn't lend to the image. I think you need to stay with glass oriented images.
    glass--since you've already used glass above I don't this repetition should be here.
   /
that
   \
    broke
   /
with
   \
    a
   /
single
   \
    breath.--The structure will be hit or miss for some people. I sort of like it though. The reason the content also works for me is that you blow glass and for it to break with a breath feels sort of right.

You said
that you were selfish,
I dismissed the notion,
it was a nonexistent blemish
in my mind.
If only I had listened then,
but I had been hopeless
in my love-tinted vision,
and thought of you as divine.--All of this gets more predictable. Compare the relationship or the promises you made to fragile glass, explore that, don't go back into the predictable. Expanding on the central imagery will give you the most satisfying poem. I think this entire section falls short in this regard.

You say that I am what happiness means to you
maybe that was true,
more days than I care to count ago.
But clearly, that meaning wasn’t enough
for
you.--Again work back toward your imagery. While this is all telling me something. It's much flatter than showing me the image that represents your relationships.

I would consider re-titling this Glass Promises instead of the generic You.

Just some things to consider, your first section can be developed. I'd look to do that.

I hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[phenomena]

Hi phenomena, welcome to the site! Let me give you some feedback on your poem.

I'm fairly new to poetry, so I apologize if this poem is an extreme mess. I'm intent on improving as much as I can. I think I may have used excessive line breaks, but I'm not sure which ones to remove...  

We have some resources on site that talk about line breaks. Here's one I started a few years back

The Line

This is a topic that takes years to get a working knowledge of why to break a line where you do. Mostly, you have to teach yourself to be intentional in all your choices. Hopefully it helps some. I would restate line break issues here.


You are
the ghost in my head,
who whispers words I wish had gone unsaid,
You are
the singer of beautiful lies,
who creates glass promises--You have some interesting language here. I love glass promises. It gives a sense of fragility. It's a very good image.
as delicate
as gossamer,--I don't like the shift to gossamer here. It doesn't lend to the image. I think you need to stay with glass oriented images.
    glass--since you've already used glass above I don't this repetition should be here.
   /
that
   \
    broke
   /
with
   \
    a
   /
single
   \
    breath.--The structure will be hit or miss for some people. I sort of like it though. The reason the content also works for me is that you blow glass and for it to break with a breath feels sort of right.

You said
that you were selfish,
I dismissed the notion,
it was a nonexistent blemish
in my mind.
If only I had listened then,
but I had been hopeless
in my love-tinted vision,
and thought of you as divine.--All of this gets more predictable. Compare the relationship or the promises you made to fragile glass, explore that, don't go back into the predictable. Expanding on the central imagery will give you the most satisfying poem. I think this entire section falls short in this regard.

You say that I am what happiness means to you
maybe that was true,
more days than I care to count ago.
But clearly, that meaning wasn’t enough
for
you.--Again work back toward your imagery. While this is all telling me something. It's much flatter than showing me the image that represents your relationships.

I would consider re-titling this Glass Promises instead of the generic You.

Just some things to consider, your first section can be developed. I'd look to do that.

I hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd

Thank you very much for the critique, and the link for the line breaks. I wasn't completely sure what the poem was to be about, but now I have much more of an idea.
The gossamer part was supposed to convey just how thin the glass was, so that the single breath breaking it would make more sense. Hmm, I'll have to find a different way of wording it.

Thanks again!

[RiverNotch]

You are
the ghost in my head,
who whispers words I wish had gone unsaid, Period instead of a comma?
You are
the singer of beautiful lies,
who creates glass promises
as delicate
as gossamer,Glass is already delicate. You don't need gossamer here.
    glass
   /
that
   \
    broke
   /
with
   \
    a
   /
single
   \
    breath. Neat structure here! A bit of a problem with the tense "who creates glass promises, glass that broke with a single breath". Make that more consistent.

I agree with an earlier crit: after this, it falls flat. I'd suggest the same: explore the image of the glass better, practically discarding the whole of the next two. Oh, but if you're gonna do that, I also suggest putting this device by the end: it's a real stand out!

You said
that you were selfish,
I dismissed the notion,
it was a nonexistent blemish
in my mind.
If only I had listened then,
but I had been hopeless
in my love-tinted vision,
and thought of you as divine.

You say that I am what happiness means to you
maybe that was true,
more days than I care to count ago.
But clearly, that meaning wasn’t enough
for
you.

Thanks for the read!

[phenomena]

You are
the ghost in my head,
who whispers words I wish had gone unsaid, Period instead of a comma?
You are
the singer of beautiful lies,
who creates glass promises
as delicate
as gossamer,Glass is already delicate. You don't need gossamer here.
    glass
   /
that
   \
    broke
   /
with
   \
    a
   /
single
   \
    breath. Neat structure here! A bit of a problem with the tense "who creates glass promises, glass that broke with a single breath". Make that more consistent.

I agree with an earlier crit: after this, it falls flat. I'd suggest the same: explore the image of the glass better, practically discarding the whole of the next two. Oh, but if you're gonna do that, I also suggest putting this device by the end: it's a real stand out!

You said
that you were selfish,
I dismissed the notion,
it was a nonexistent blemish
in my mind.
If only I had listened then,
but I had been hopeless
in my love-tinted vision,
and thought of you as divine.

You say that I am what happiness means to you
maybe that was true,
more days than I care to count ago.
But clearly, that meaning wasn’t enough
for
you.

Thanks for the read!

Thanks for reading it, and for helping! It's very much appreciated

[Mr. Creosote]

I love the idea of glass promises. The poem becomes too dense in the second stanza. I think it should stay as light as the glass and as light as the structure at the end of stanza 1. I might even end it after the that.

Also, just a thought, use light (illumination) and light (lacking density, heft) and maybe explore the transparent nature of glass as a metaphor.

The first stanza is the best I have read today. Keep working.

[mkat]

Here's version 2 of the poem, hopefully it's improved some. Any further suggestions are still very much welcome

You are
a singer of polished lies,
with words flowing like a breeze.
You create glass promises,
that
   \
    break
   /
with
   \
    a
   /
single
   \
    breath.

I'm fairly new to poetry, so I apologize if this poem is an extreme mess. I'm intent on improving as much as I can. I think I may have used excessive line breaks, but I'm not sure which ones to remove...  

You are
the ghost in my head,
who whispers words I wish had gone unsaid,
You are
the singer of beautiful lies,
who creates glass promises
as delicate
as gossamer,
    glass
   /
that
   \
    broke
   /
with
   \
    a
   /
single
   \
    breath.

You said
that you were selfish,
I dismissed the notion,
it was a nonexistent blemish
in my mind.
If only I had listened then,
but I had been hopeless
in my love-tinted vision,
and thought of you as divine.

You say that I am what happiness means to you
maybe that was true,
more days than I care to count ago.
But clearly, that meaning wasn’t enough
for
you.

we really expect a bit more than this/mod
I think you could have just stopped it after the first bit. The next couple of stanza's don't really add as much. The first bit is good and my friend likes the visuals. Well done.