Loon Wind Edit 1

[Leah S.]

Edit 1
thanks to all who commented.

I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight,
watching shaded moon-lit shapes
like dancers bending, stamping
shadows limned on lucent cloth,
I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding from the lake,
recounting cold lifetimes of traveling,
wavering past ruined homesteads
as ancient echoes wake.
Its manic sobbing climbs,
as cloud-totems slide across the moon,
and spreads a knapping tone across the waves
that shatters pale and brittle
moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first,
and startled, I inhale.
Intent,  I'm sure I hear an eerie,
cadenced hint of patterns,
layered pitches perfectly aligned,
attuned with tangled, haunted voices
as they scribe their message,
wishing ancient litanies could find a tongue
to list the name of each forgotten tribe.



These are both printed here for comparison's sake. I'm experimenting with metered poetry with line breaks more like free verse. I posted another poem that I tried this with on a different forum, and the consensus was they liked the 'free' one better. Please give me your opinions on the two forms as well as any other critiques. It's supposed to be in iambic hexameter.


with even line breaks:
I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight, watching shaded moon-
lit shapes like dancers bending, stamping shadows limned
on lucent cloth, I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding on the lake, recounting cold lifetimes
of traveling; it reaches past ruined homesteads,
and ancient echoes wake. Its manic sobbing climbs
as cloud-totems slide across the moon. It spreads
its knapping call across the waves and shatters pale
and brittle moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first, and startled, I inhale,
intently sure I hear an eerie, cadenced hint
of patterns, layered senses perfectly aligned,
in tune with tangled, haunted voices as they scribe
their message, wishing ancient litanies could find
a tongue to list the names of each forgotten tribe.

with 'free-verse' style line breaks:
I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight,
watching shaded moon-lit shapes
like dancers bending, stamping
shadows limned on lucent cloth,
I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding on the lake, recounting
cold lifetimes of traveling;
it reaches past ruined homesteads,
and ancient echoes wake.
Its manic sobbing climbs
as cloud-totems slide across the moon.
It spreads its knapping call across the waves
and shatters pale and brittle
moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first,
and startled, I inhale,
intently sure I hear an eerie, cadenced
hint of patterns, layered senses
perfectly aligned, in tune
with tangled, haunted voices
as they scribe their message,
wishing ancient litanies could find a tongue
to list the names of each forgotten tribe.

[tectak]

These are both printed here for comparison's sake. I'm experimenting with metered poetry with line breaks more like free verse. I posted another poem that I tried this with on a different forum, and the consensus was they liked the 'free' one better. Please give me your opinions on the two forms as well as any other critiques. It's supposed to be in iambic hexameter.


with even line breaks:
I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight, watching shaded moon-
lit shapes like dancers bending, stamping shadows limned
on lucent cloth, I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding on the lake, recounting cold lifetimes
of traveling; it reaches past ruined homesteads,
and ancient echoes wake. Its manic sobbing climbs
as cloud-totems slide across the moon. It spreads
its knapping call across the waves and shatters pale
and brittle moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first, and startled, I inhale,
intently sure I hear an eerie, cadenced hint
of patterns, layered senses perfectly aligned,
in tune with tangled, haunted voices as they scribe
their message, wishing ancient litanies could find
a tongue to list the names of each forgotten tribe.

with 'free-verse' style line breaks:
I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight,
watching shaded moon-lit shapes
like dancers bending, stamping
shadows limned on lucent cloth,
I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding on the lake, recounting resounding ON?
cold lifetimes of traveling;
it reaches past ruined homesteads, unrelated it
and ancient echoes wake.
Its manic sobbing climbs again
as cloud-totems slide across the moon.
It spreads its knapping call across the waves again
and shatters pale and brittle
moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first,
and startled, I inhale,
intently sure I hear an eerie, cadenced
hint of patterns, layered senses
perfectly aligned, in tune
with tangled, haunted voices
as they scribe their message,
wishing ancient litanies could find a tongue
to list the names of each forgotten tribe. long sentence. Take another look;

Hi leah,
First of all I enjoy imagery and wordplay. "liking" any piece is to a large degree subjective and in that very real sense not a parameter  under consideration in Serious Workshopping. Suffice to say I  "like" both versions the likeability element is not the issue. Fortunately, you have  written a fine piece here. The words used are, with few exceptions, precise and coherent. Intently sure?
The line  breaks make little difference to the excellence of the piece....in fact, as you chose the words you should  choose the form. Offering up two versions is rather pre-empting critique...how would it be if you wrote two  versions with synonym alternatives? No. Don't do it

[Leah S.]

These are both printed here for comparison's sake. I'm experimenting with metered poetry with line breaks more like free verse. I posted another poem that I tried this with on a different forum, and the consensus was they liked the 'free' one better. Please give me your opinions on the two forms as well as any other critiques. It's supposed to be in iambic hexameter.


with even line breaks:
I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight, watching shaded moon-
lit shapes like dancers bending, stamping shadows limned
on lucent cloth, I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding on the lake, recounting cold lifetimes
of traveling; it reaches past ruined homesteads,
and ancient echoes wake. Its manic sobbing climbs
as cloud-totems slide across the moon. It spreads
its knapping call across the waves and shatters pale
and brittle moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first, and startled, I inhale,
intently sure I hear an eerie, cadenced hint
of patterns, layered senses perfectly aligned,
in tune with tangled, haunted voices as they scribe
their message, wishing ancient litanies could find
a tongue to list the names of each forgotten tribe.

with 'free-verse' style line breaks:
I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight,
watching shaded moon-lit shapes
like dancers bending, stamping
shadows limned on lucent cloth,
I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding on the lake, recounting resounding ON?
cold lifetimes of traveling;
it reaches past ruined homesteads, unrelated it
and ancient echoes wake.
Its manic sobbing climbs again
as cloud-totems slide across the moon.
It spreads its knapping call across the waves again
and shatters pale and brittle
moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first,
and startled, I inhale,
intently sure I hear an eerie, cadenced
hint of patterns, layered senses
perfectly aligned, in tune
with tangled, haunted voices
as they scribe their message,
wishing ancient litanies could find a tongue
to list the names of each forgotten tribe. long sentence. Take another look;

Hi leah,
First of all I enjoy imagery and wordplay. "liking" any piece is to a large degree subjective and in that very real sense not a parameter  under consideration in Serious Workshopping. Suffice to say I  "like" both versions the likeability element is not the issue. Fortunately, you have  written a fine piece here. The words used are, with few exceptions, precise and coherent. Intently sure?
The line  breaks make little difference to the excellence of the piece....in fact, as you chose the words you should  choose the form. Offering up two versions is rather pre-empting critique...how would it be if you wrote two  versions with synonym alternatives? No. Don't do it

Like, Tectak, I meant, well, like, you know.
Not sure all the 'it' s are unrelated, but I knew there was a problem. Will fine tune. Thanks.

[onepapa]

These are both printed here for comparison's sake. I'm experimenting with metered poetry with line breaks more like free verse. I posted another poem that I tried this with on a different forum, and the consensus was they liked the 'free' one better. Please give me your opinions on the two forms as well as any other critiques. It's supposed to be in iambic hexameter.


with even line breaks:
I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight, watching shaded moon-
lit shapes like dancers bending, stamping shadows limned
on lucent cloth, I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding on the lake, recounting cold lifetimes
of traveling; it reaches past ruined homesteads,
and ancient echoes wake. Its manic sobbing climbs
as cloud-totems slide across the moon. It spreads
its knapping call across the waves and shatters pale
and brittle moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first, and startled, I inhale,
intently sure I hear an eerie, cadenced hint
of patterns, layered senses perfectly aligned,
in tune with tangled, haunted voices as they scribe
their message, wishing ancient litanies could find
a tongue to list the names of each forgotten tribe.

with 'free-verse' style line breaks:
I pitched my tent at sunset in a bitter wind.
Now, staring up at midnight,
watching shaded moon-lit shapes
like dancers bending, stamping
shadows limned on lucent cloth,
I hear the cackle of a loon
resounding on the lake, recounting
cold lifetimes of traveling;
it reaches past ruined homesteads,
and ancient echoes wake.
Its manic sobbing climbs
as cloud-totems slide across the moon.
It spreads its knapping call across the waves
and shatters pale and brittle
moonlight into chips of shining flint.
More loons have joined the first,
and startled, I inhale,
intently sure I hear an eerie, cadenced
hint of patterns, layered senses
perfectly aligned, in tune
with tangled, haunted voices
as they scribe their message,
wishing ancient litanies could find a tongue
to list the names of each forgotten tribe.

Leah,

The "free verse" line breaks work better for this poem. The hexameter forces a long cadence that detracts from the sharper and clearer line endings you get with free verse so the free verse simply reads easier aloud. Very nice.

onepapa

[bena]

There is so much to love in this piece, it's just captivating with crisp images ---so I feel as if I am required to bitch about that first line....

pitching a tent in the bitter wind....You're in clicheville love, welcome. I almost didn't continue reading, and I would have been missing out if I had stopped. Scrap that line and grab the readers attention! You've got it in you dammit!

Dismissed!

mel/bena

[just mercedes]

This is a great mindset-breaker for me. I do like the free verse better, mainly because you make your reader focus on different words than the end-line rhymes. I can't add anything in the way of critique, really, that hasn't already been said. I like your imagery, it's usually very precise - 'stamping shadows limned / on lucent cloth' is maybe an exception.

I had to go and write a sonnet too, and play with the line breaks. Thanks for the spark!