softwater stone

[jasmine.m.wardiya]

There is a tumbling stone that carves its path into mud, squelching little trails
of sweat and blood and bathing itself in grime, pressing on
because its desire for that bubbling pool at the end of the road is so sweet,
so tantalising, that it cannot cling to the slippery soil and hold itself.

It hits the water with a splash, the oiled grime that coated it washed off
without another breath, along with the desire
now fulfilled…

but soon, the salt water burns the little bruises that litter its coarse form
and its soul burns, burns with the echo of pain that follows
that pleasure, and it sinks, that heavy stone, as the water rises up
in embrace and envelops it: together still, as on the horizon the sun
slips away into dark.

[bena]

hmmm I am wondering now if this is a magma traveling either down a hill...or magma traveling up through the ocean. Hard to tell, could be totally wrong on both counts, but I wish I knew before commenting, since this is in serious, I'd love to go into line by line, thorough critique. Shot me a pm so not to influence the comments of others criting.

[Erthona]

J-mine, First post and you go straight for serious. Evidently you have brassticular gonads, or fail to realize what a monadic morass you've stepped into, and I mean that in regards to all things Leibniz. I guess maybe you missed the sign that said abandon hope all ye who enter here (no, they stole it from us and by they I mean Dante).

There is a tumbling stone that carves its path into mud, squelching little trails
of sweat and blood and bathing itself in grime, pressing on (OK, stones do not bleed. So is there some personification going on here and why is it being used incorrectly?)
because its desire for that bubbling pool at the end of the road is so sweet, (a squelching stone gains no desire)
so tantalising, that it cannot cling to the slippery soil and hold itself. (It could, it wants not)

It hits the water with a splash, the oiled grime that coated it washed off (sorry, water does not easily wash away oil)
without another breath, along with the desire
now fulfilled… (this is awkwardly worded)

but soon, the salt water burns the little bruises that litter its coarse form (what is the purpose of "little"?)
and its soul burns, burns with the echo of pain that follows (why is it the "echo of pain", it appears our heroic stone is still in pains grasp?)
that pleasure, and it sinks, that heavy stone, as the water rises up (if the stone did not sink in water, this would be worth talking about, but I believe Newton made this a non-topic several hundred years ago.)
in embrace and envelops it: together still, as on the horizon the sun(If I am reading this correctly, first the stone sank through the water, supposedly to the bottom, but no, at some point the water rose up to embrace the stone: however that might possibly happen.)
slips away into dark.(does this means it dies?)

_________________________________________________________________________________
As the writer has attached this story progression to nothing in particular, it could apply to many different things. If it can be applied to many things, it loses its meaning for all things.
So while some parts offer some nice images, taken as a whole it is more of a senseless jumble. 

If this is an attempt at a love poem, I commend you, as it generally avoids most of the cliches (although it still caught enough - pain burns my soul).

This appears to me to be a decent beginning novice piece, I have certainly seen much worse. One point for it, is that it is clearly written. There is much work to do here, but some obvious talent and skill with which to work.



Best,


Dale

[RooktoKing]

There is a tumbling stone that carves its path into mud, squelching little trailssquelching sounds like what boots do
of sweat and blood and bathing itself in grime, pressing onI am particular to visceral imagery, so I like sweat and blood, but wonder why the stone is sweating/bleeding/bathing?
because its desire for that bubbling pool at the end of the road is so sweet,
so tantalising, that it cannot cling to the slippery soil and hold itself.like slippery soil, but this is way wordy

It hits the water with a splash, the oiled grime that coated it washed offwordy.
without another breath, along with the desirewhy is the rock breathing?
now fulfilled…why ellipses? IMO they weaken a poem. make strong statements!

but soon, the salt water burns the little bruises that litter its coarse formlike the idea of salt and purifying, but stones don't bruise?
and its soul burns, burns with the echo of pain that followsmelodramatic
that pleasure, and it sinks, that heavy stone, as the water rises up
in embrace and envelops it: together still, as on the horizon the sunnice imagery, but poorly executed
slips away into dark.

So the main issue with this, in my opinion, is that I really have no idea what is going on in this poem. My mentor has always emphasized the importance of having a narrative that makes sense to a reader. In this, I am very lost. You've personified the stone a bunch, making it seem like it should be a metaphor for something (maybe?), or perhaps just a dramatized account of a stone rolling into a river? Why is the stone rolling? Is there a reason it wants to be in the water so bad? What is the end supposed to mean? Why does the stone have a soul?

I think you've got a way with words, and obviously a good imagination. But you need to make your poems clear enough for the reader to grasp what is going on. And as someone before me said, be careful of falling into cliche and melodrama. Hope that helps now onto the "fun" part...editing!

[jasmine.m.wardiya]

Thanks Erthona and RooktoKing for your detailed feedback. Both of you have pointed out some interesting things, and once campnano's over I'll be sure to work on editing this. Particularly clarity, wording, and some images that contradict either the rest of the poem or general reasoning (which is a trap I seem to love falling in to).

Specifics to ask/reply...

Actually, might be neater to do that once I work out how to quote little bits of multiple posts.