Robinson Crusoe's Scarecrow
#1
The following is an account of one man’s trial with a pack of hungry birds on an island by himself:

 
Deliverance had come in due degrees
when providence had furnished me with corn,
but savages had spied my growing ears,
and waited for a time I should be gone.
They were a sundry band of thieving fowl
who perched above the blade in steady watch,
but some I saw were like a common crow.
I had a mind to save my kingdom’s bread
and especially I had in mind those people
who inhabited therein, and were at present
very much in need of some subsistence.
By this, it seemed no act of squander to let fly
and use some shot upon the rabble, murder
Or whatever appellation I deemed fit.
When this occurred, a little cloud of fowl
that had no doubt been spoiling my crop
uprose, it seems, to peck away my hopes.  
How steady was their looming presence and
How fast they could have eaten all my store
was pressed into a matter in my breast,
as I staid close by to load my gun
and watch the plumage in my bower.
They roosted in the nearby crowns of trees
and I swear if they were human and not
as they were, they may have brooded more
upon the lot that brought their need of crime.
They may have born a certain countenance
which is familiar and yet foreign to most men
and clearly labels them as bandits, rogues,
and villains all around who bear the mark
of scowling felony engraved on their face.
Yet these I took, if they were seen as men,
To be a desperate cutpurse sort of thieves
That could scarce hold their tongue to squawk or eat,
the kind that dragged a nation down in packs
as wolves could gnaw the hind-legs off a horse.
So trite they seemed when I had scarcely left
and hid myself behind a hedge to spy them.
They would descend as if the memory
of me was only in their present view.
Such was my posture as a man to beast.
For I had leisure now to shoot of them.
They may have eeked me of a peck-load,
But the caution in my chest did not prevent
me in the execution of design.
It was a providence that sailed my shot
and carried out my wish for three dead birds
which I had hung to make a chain of terror,
as I would do with a mutineer.
When life had fled their corpses they were mine
to use for miracles and reaping of
my daily store of sustenance and bread,
what wonder when the birds would squawk no more
and my scarecrow proved itself un-hollow.
Upon reflection of this scene I think
It was an unexpected thing to see them there,
and was I not delivered in my way
I fancy that my eyes would turn like theirs
from heavy drinking of my Spanish rum,
that perhaps my neck would jerk like theirs did
and that my spirits would be drained by noon.
In such a case I would have left my state
for honest Poll whom I had taught to speak
 He would bemoan of me “where did you go
Where is the poor forsaken man, Crusoe?”
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#2
Periods go at the ends of sentences, capitals go only at the beginning, make it so.

This seems more an exercise in a particular dialect (I'm assuming the one used in the original book) as the driving force than any coherent story, even with the surprise ending (well, not if you read the book, as the end of this very closely mimics the end of the ceder canoe chapter). This does not raise any kind of morale problem that has not already been examined in the book, or at least none I can see. I seriously doubt there is any morality that upholds the idea that one should work to raise food, only to let scavengers take it away. It is not lost on me that you are trying to make the distinction in the type of thief the crows are. I can see no reality between the crows and criminal justice systems, unless you are reversing the focus and saying it is the man who should be judged, and not the birds. There is probably some subtle vehicle there to be used, but I don't think you have assembled it.  If you had a greater command over the dialect this might make a good character study. Outside of that I don't really see what the point is. I guess you think you have a point in this, but it completely bypasses me. Maybe you will enlighten me.

Sorry,

Dale

PS I did have one absurd idea, but please don't tell me that the scarecrow was Friday.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#3
(03-03-2015, 12:47 PM)Erthona Wrote:  Periods go at the ends of sentences, capitals go only at the beginning, make it so.

This seems more an exercise in a particular dialect (I'm assuming the one used in the original book) as the driving force than any coherent story, even with the surprise ending (well, not if you read the book, as the end of this very closely mimics the end of the ceder canoe chapter). This does not raise any kind of morale problem that has not already been examined in the book, or at least none I can see. I seriously doubt there is any morality that upholds the idea that one should work to raise food, only to let scavengers take it away. It is not lost on me that you are trying to make the distinction in the type of thief the crows are. I can see no reality between the crows and criminal justice systems, unless you are reversing the focus and saying it is the man who should be judged, and not the birds. There is probably some subtle vehicle there to be used, but I don't think you have assembled it.  If you had a greater command over the dialect this might make a good character study. Outside of that I don't really see what the point is. I guess you think you have a point in this, but it completely bypasses me. Maybe you will enlighten me.

Sorry,

Dale

PS I did have one absurd idea, but please don't tell me that the scarecrow was Friday.

There is no reality between crows and the criminal justice system, but he still calls them thieves. I appreciate your analysis and criticism, it's helpful and I encourage more of it. 
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#4
This could read more quickly and keep your readers engaged despite the length. I think switching into simple past tense would really strengthen this.
For example the first four lines:

Deliverance had come in due degrees,
providence furnished me with corn,
but savages spied my growing ears,
and waited 'til I was gone.

I think you should also comb through and cut out excess, for example

"and especially I had in mind those people
who inhabited therein, and were at present
very much in need of some subsistence."

You flat out repeat "had in mind" from the line above, and these lines, while following the style, are all saying one thing in a very roundabout way.

This is truly a narrative, and a fun one at that. But with as much as you have going on, I think it's important to trim up a bit to make sure the reader isn't bogged down. A 'forest for the trees' kind of thing. :')
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#5
(03-23-2015, 12:03 PM)jkprry Wrote:  This could read more quickly and keep your readers engaged despite the length. I think switching into simple past tense would really strengthen this.
For example the first four lines:

Deliverance had come in due degrees,
providence furnished me with corn,
but savages spied my growing ears,
and waited 'til I was gone.

I think you should also comb through and cut out excess, for example

"and especially I had in mind those people
who inhabited therein, and were at present
very much in need of some subsistence."

You flat out repeat "had in mind" from the line above, and these lines, while following the style, are all saying one thing in a very roundabout way.

This is truly a narrative, and a fun one at that. But with as much as you have going on, I think it's important to trim up a bit to make sure the reader isn't bogged down. A 'forest for the trees' kind of thing. :')

Really good comments jkprry, I owe you a read, if somethings to be said for propriety. Smile
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