White Cliffs of Dover – for milo

[Erthona]

White Cliffs of Dover – for milo
 
While I was resting by the shore,
just me and mine and a few more,
though not exciting, or a bore,
as I don't see the White Cliffs of Dover.
 
It's not surprising I've not been,
from here to there and back again,
my family'd think it was a sin,
to waste my gold on White Cliffs of Dover.  
 
It's no surprise I'll never see,
although it's been a dream to me,
to rest out some upon the sea,
while taking in the White Cliffs of Dover.
 
 
Erthona
 
Note as per Brownlie, I changed L4 of S1 as follows:

"for I see not the White Cliffs of Dover."

to
"as I don't see the White Cliffs of Dover."
 

©2015

[Brownlie]

White Cliffs of Dover – for milo
 
While I was resting by the shore,
just me and mine and a few more,
though not exciting, or a bore,
for I see not the White Cliffs of Dover.  -- I have a prejudice against the word "for." I also thing the syntax and or diction is a little strained in this line to fit the meter. I did not see would, at any rate, eliminate an extra word. However, I think there is probably a better choice than that.

 
It's not surprising I've not been,
here to there and back again, -- Not sure about here to there and back again. There is a rhyme scheme, but it sounds too much like a song to me. (not that I'm totally against pop songs, but perhaps they are a different sphere)
my family'd think it was a sin,
to waste my gold on White Cliffs of Dover.  
 
It's no surprise I'll never see, -- This may be a good opener. Anyway, it is a cool concept.
although it's been a dream to me,
to rest out some in the sea,
while taking in the White Cliffs of Dover.
 
 
Erthona
 
 

©2015

I like the idea of never actually seeing the cliffs of dover even though the narrator appears to have dedicated time to literature. Made some small comments.

[Erthona]

Thanks Brownlie, I've made a change.

"for I see not the White Cliffs of Dover."
to
"as I see don't see the White Cliffs of Dover."

Dale

[ellajam]

White Cliffs of Dover – for milo
 
While I was resting by the shore,
just me and mine and a few more,
though not exciting, or a bore,
as I don't see the White Cliffs of Dover.
 
It's not surprising I've not been,
here to there and back again,
my family'd think it was a sin,
to waste my gold on White Cliffs of Dover.  
 
It's no surprise I'll never see,
although it's been a dream to me,
to rest out some in the sea,
while taking in the White Cliffs of Dover.
 
 
Erthona
 
Note as per Brownlie, I changed L4 of S1 as follows:

"for I see not the White Cliffs of Dover."

to
"as I don't see the White Cliffs of Dover."
 

©2015

Well, a bit of a bore, this. I tried google, the song lyrics are just as boring and the poem doesn't give me a clue of what impact the cliffs are supposed to have. The rhymes are common, if it's a joke I don't get it, so sorry, this just falls totally flat for me.

[Erthona]

Thank you ella, I feared as much.

dale