Love's illusion

[somnium]

Love's illusion

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely from my fantasy.
For I had said that woman is made of man's dreams.
I didn't really think that I was being extreme, and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats, my heart grew ever fonder.
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower.
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what she seems."
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered.
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters had turned into drought.
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me.

[milo]

Love's illusion

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.

what is the difference between sitting 'high' and sitting '/on/ high'?

[somnium]

Love's illusion

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.

what is the difference between sitting 'high' and sitting '/on/ high'?

I am not sure I have that answer really.. I used it as an expression that came to mind and felt right. That's all the thought i really gave it.

[milo]

Love's illusion

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.

what is the difference between sitting 'high' and sitting '/on/ high'?

I am not sure I have that answer really.. I used it as an expression that came to mind and felt right. That's all the thought i really gave it.

I think it would help if you went through and really thought about every word and expression to consider whether it makes the poem stronger or whether it makes the poem weaker.

Thanks for posting.

[somnium]

Thank you!

[shootthestar25]

Somnium,

Some thoughts:

Line 1: The rhythm is a bit halting with 2 commas, but flows so much better in the next line, Maybe remove one?
Line 2: I really like the line "giving birth from the mind" and think it is a great way to say that the subjects are sharing their thoughts with each other.
Line 6: I totally see this line in my mind, not sure why, but I like it.
Line 8: What is a "black diamond tower" ? It makes the line a bit long, and messes with the flow. Would "diamond tower" work?
Line 11: Again, a long line that messes with flow, and we know snakes hiss...maybe shorten it by changing it to "Then a snake popped up from the ground and hissed, "that girl is not what she seems."
Line 13: remove "my" from doubt
Line 14/15: I really enjoy the flow of these two lines, and I feel like you've ended the poem in a way that sums up the "story" as it were. As something I constantly struggle to do, I'm impressed. One thing, though, is I wish there weren't a period at the end of line 14.

Other thoughts: As a reader, I stop at each period. If you want the reader to flow between lines, then the periods should be removed, or turned to commas. If you want the reader to stop, then leave as is.

I'm no expert, so ignore any suggestion that doesn't sound true to you.

-ShoottheStar25

[somnium]

Thank you ShoottheStar25, good suggestions. I will take it all in.. glad you liked it too.

[somnium]

Thanks Kez!

[zahrakh]

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
(Sat on high what? In the night sky? You sat in the night sky?)

We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from
the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely
from my fantasy. (good line)
For I had said that woman is made of man's
dreams. (just a suggestion, how about removing"i had said"?)
I didn't really think that I was being extreme, and
so I let my mind wander. (i didn't really think sounds a weak phrase to me)
As I watched her dance to my beats, my heart
grew ever fonder. (Heart grew fonder is cliche)
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the
hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and
she stood there on my black diamond tower. (where did a black diamond tower come from?)
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and
allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and
said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what
she seems." (do we really need a snake here?)
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered,
and in my eyes my love sundered. (wondered like a tool? perhaps you felt like a tool, been used by her or something?)
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters
had turned into drought. (good expression)
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal.
My love and life away from me.

First, it's all opinions and you don't have to accept them.
This poem did convey the central idea, love, passion and betrayal. But also left some confusion, the black diamond tower and snake perhaps some metaphors but i didn't feel they go well with this poem.
And as a reviewer has pointed out, too many commas and longs. Also few cliches. Other than that this poem has potential and did create a mood.

One more thing, I'll point out an inappropriate line break:

For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal.
My love and life away from me.

You close the line after steal but the idea completes in the next line

For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal
my love and life away from me.
or perhaps

I did not know if love was real, (too many'For' already)
I let that snake steal my love and life away from me.

[ThePen]

Love's illusion

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely from my fantasy.
For I had said that woman is made of man's dreams.
I didn't really think that I was being extreme, and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats, my heart grew ever fonder.
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower.
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what she seems."
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered.
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters had turned into drought.
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me.

Your poetry is telling a story of love and fantasy. The first part of the poem describing the woman is probably the most consistent.
I can sense that the woman is "made of man's dreams", which is a beautiful way of stating her beauty. The story progresses. At first, the presence of the snake seems a bit incongruous for the poem. And then I realize that there is a level of fantasy and of imagination involved.

The best line is probably "And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered."

However, your poem does not seem to have a focused rhyme scheme. Also, I think that your sentences are too long. Perhaps, you can shorten them by splitting them in two verses?

Also, I think that your language seems a bit uneven. Maybe work on making it a bit more poetic. I do not really like the words "popped up from the ground". You could say: "sprung from the ground". Also, the term "tool" could stand to be improved upon.

[somnium]

Thanks everyone for your criticism. And black diamond tower is symbolic in the alchemists knowledge, as having reign over the darkness of creation. Diamond symbolizes the full spectrum of creation captivated and made manifest as a diamond, and black symbolizes the night, or the colour black which retains the rays of the Sun or the light of all creation. Thus Black diamond tower symbolizes the construction of a tower that reigns over the totality of creation, the day and the night. It would be symbolic to say it is the result of becoming master of your creation and your destiny, as to say Adam and Eve in the Garden before the Snake came and offered them tainted knowledge of creation.

[SilvanusNath]

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely from my fantasy.
For I had said that woman is made of man's dreams.
I didn't really think that I was being extreme,
and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats,
my heart grew ever fonder.
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower.
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what she seems."
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered.
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters had turned into drought.
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me.

Line 5, the word think should be thought. The voice is inconsistent; try making the lines the same length and adding rhythm
But if you want to stick with this: cut line length after every word that rhymes, or that’s going to rhyme:

I didn’t think my thoughts extreme,
and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats,
my heart grew ever fonder.

And there are some words that are unnecessary: like “really”, it makes the poem feel too much like a casual conversation.
I’ll put those in bold.

When you use symbolism, it is necessary to pair it with at least a few lines that dissect the idea.
take the meaning behind the symbolism and put it into words.

Some words are a bit too strong. ill put that in italics.

The ideas flow well from one to the other, but you need better symmetry (in form, imagery and symbols)
when you have a symbol, or an image, they should all come together. I understand what is being said
but you need better delivery. but you do have good ideas.

[Nahtaivel616]

This how I would word this phrase:
Like a tool I wondered
The sky thundered
Right there, in my eyes the love I had
Sundered

[Erthona]

I tell people new to writing poetry (under ten years or so) that the two most difficult types of poetry to write is religious and love poetry, with love poetry probably being the much more difficult. I used to have the 150 trite words of love poetry to paste in as a public service, but I lost it somewhere alone the way. The second thing I used to tell people was that the worst time to try to write love poetry was when you are in love. Of course no one cared for any of that advice so I have stopped giving it.


I must say this is the first time I have ever seen hottest and goddess (little "g") and I hope not to see it again soon

I did enjoy this phallic reference "I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower".

My favorite however is the Deus Ex Machina, that is to say the snake as he/it appears out of no where. (Another phallic reference)

Oh, by the way, why are you capping all the lines. That went out in the 1950's when it was no longer needed for typesetting, and people saw it made reading the poem much easier not to do so. Holding on to that is like holding on to center justify, these days it's just an affectation. I'm sure like a lot of people you didn't know, but now you do, so please start capping only the beginning of sentences, your readers will be grateful.

I have to ask, if on these lines:

"For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me."

that you realized that the last line was not a sentence and that " I let that snake steal" does not refer to anything.

I'm guess you meant to write:

"I let that snake steal my love and life away from me."  Although that still doesn't make that much sense in light of the rest of the poem.

Well, I've already gone over my limit for novice, so I'll stop there.

Best,

Dale

[Shem]

Isaiah 14:13 ``I will ascend on high;'' from a John Gill commentary suggests your reference is that of becoming a deity. As a set-up, i.e., "I sat on high..." made immediately and continuously transcends the nature of the first deity to the female deity that dominates much of the rest of the poem. The poem suggests the engulfment of the “Anima” archetype. I make gracious deference to milo, as I agree with the author’s “feelings” that, "on high" to is an excellent choice given the transition of somnium's character from "on high," in order to remain equal in symbolic stature to his "G"oddess without needing any further inference to his character as he has placed himself "on high." This illusion, albeit, unconscious, perhaps, offers a perfect transition to the "G"oddess being of supreme attributes, yet the main character reining, as her creator, by virtue of his dreaming her.

As for the remark that the, "expression came to mind and felt right," not only could be, but is a very good thing. Trusting your own feelings is good for anyone writing their own poetry.

‘The word sundered, which means to split apart, break up is another excellent choice of words as it indicates the disillusion of his dream, as “love’s waters had turned into drought.”

[tectak]

Hello somni,
This is not easy to read, not easy to crit....and patently, you found it not easy to write....in spite of the wealth of cliche. Please do not take this in bad humor. Writing love eulogies is a necessary step to avoiding writing love eulogies. There is very little you can do about the cloudy Wordsworthian "on high" but do not fall in to the trap of thinking you thought it up. "wrought from fantas(ies)y" is generic."woman is made of man's (men's?) dreams" is skirting on the avoidable."...let my mind wander" goes without saying though you said it. "heart grew fonder" is improved by absence.
From this piont on the whole thing goes down the vernacular drain and not in a good way. What with "tools" and punctuation issues, "the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess." compounding the rot; cliche upon cliche "...a dream come true","thundered sky","steal my love". Sheesh.
OK. that's the bad news. The good news is you can change it. Try to say things in a new way, it really does not matter how you extend the imagery as long as it makes sense. Put yourself out on a limb then use all your imagination to picture your thoughts. Yes. Picture your thoughts. Imagery is a term that is used to describe by projection...you have to transmit what you "see" to the reader using words, clarifying metaphors and similes, colour.
The last eight lines are quite substantial in terms of intent but the weak language and lapse in to forced rhyme is your downfall. It screams inconsistency and goes down the maelstom in a flood of mixed metaphors which have no scaffold to hold them together (see what I mean?). The bizarre punctuation does not help (I let that snake steal. My love and life away from me.), nor does the schoolboy capitalisation of every line as seen in poetry books from fifty years ago. Don't do it.
Finally, when you have run out of things to say....stop saying things.
Best,
tectak

Love's illusion

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely from my fantasy.
For I had said that woman is made of man's dreams.
I didn't really think that I was being extreme, and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats, my heart grew ever fonder.
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower.
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what she seems."
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered.
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters had turned into drought.
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me.

[mkat]

Love's illusion

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely from my fantasy.
For I had said that woman is made of man's dreams.
I didn't really think that I was being extreme, and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats, my heart grew ever fonder.
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower.
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what she seems."
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered.
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters had turned into drought.
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me.

Pretty good.
I liked the line "We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind."
You also may want to work on your spacing so you have more divides/separation.
Don't understand this line "And like a tool I wondered."

[tectak]

Thanks everyone for your criticism. And black diamond tower is symbolic in the alchemists knowledge, as having reign over the darkness of creation. Diamond symbolizes the full spectrum of creation captivated and made manifest as a diamond, and black symbolizes the night, or the colour black which retains the rays of the Sun or the light of all creation. Thus Black diamond tower symbolizes the construction of a tower that reigns over the totality of creation, the day and the night. It would be symbolic to say it is the result of becoming master of your creation and your destiny, as to say Adam and Eve in the Garden before the Snake came and offered them tainted knowledge of creation.

Could you give citation or references for this "black tower" information...or are you making it up on the hoof, so to speak.
It seems that as a metaphor it is obtuse and obscures rather than illuminates. Where does your information come from?
Is this a child's video game? The whole crit is skewed if so.I have to say that your "explanation" above reads like absolute nonsense to me but I would like to increase my knowledge base.
Best and concerned,
tectak